Father's Day gifts from thoughtless skids ??
I have a really hard time with holiday gifts for my SO when it comes to his kids. It's strange to me how thoughtless and uncaring his boys are. They are 9 and 10 and honeslty couldn't care less about their father's feelings. Which is even more strange because he's a super sensitive VERY thoughtful guy who does nice things for all of us all the time. My BD6 and BS10 are way more thoughtful kids when it comes to me and SO. When they are at their dad's house they both call me to ask what we've been up to, how our weekend is going, etc. In three years his boys have NEVER asked either one of us how we are, what's going on in our lives or anything else. SO broke his arm at work a couple weeks ago and both of my kids have asked him almost daily how he's feeling. SS9 and SS10 haven't mentioned one word to him about his injury, nor do they care...
I'm really struggling with gift ideas as Father's Day is quickly approaching. My ex doesn't have a serious SO so I still take BD and BS to buy their dad something small for Father's Day. BM has never taken the skids to get their father a gift. Last night my BS asked when we can go shopping for his dad and my SO (his future stepdad). He made it clear he wants to pick out something nice for both of them. I think he and BD are going to get their dad a "dad" photo frame and put in photos of them from baseball, football, and dance this year. On the way to camp this morning I mentioned to the skids that Father's Day was coming up and I'd like to take them all shopping to pick out something for SO and to let me know if they have any ideas. Neither one of them seemed to care at all. The older one told me to just pick something out or let BS pick something when he shopped for his own dad. I can't stand the uncaring attitute they have toward their dad who literally does everything for them. And it's nothing against him, that's how these kids are about everyone and everything.
So my dilemma is, what do I do about a Father's Day gift? I have my biokids who want to pick out something nice and personal for their future stepfather and his own kids who don't give a damn. I think it's a little odd to get him any kind of personalized "dad" gift from ALL the kids and I don't want to give him a gift from his biokids that doesn't include MY kids since they are the ones wanting to do something nice for him. Any thoughts or ideas??
That is sad! What about
That is sad! What about taking him out somewhere for the day with all the kids? Fishing, baseball game, a restaurant he likes?
The older one told me to
I have trouble keeping my mouth closed. I probably would have said that neither of his suggestions were going to happen. I have offered to bring you to get a gift for your father. You are free to accept or decline. But, a gift for your father is a gift from you, not me, not my BS. If you decide to accept my offer let me know.
Then I'd let it go. Bkids can give their gifts. If Skids don't have gifts, then they don't have gifts.
This... I would say it just
This... I would say it just matter of factly.. you were offered.. I'm taking your response as you don't care.. if you don't care.. I don't care... you are on your own boys.
Same here
In the almost five years I've known them, my SSs have never cared to get a birthday present, father's day present, or christmas present for DH. They have never even made him a card. This is even after I've offered to help multiple times.
The kicker is that one year, they gave him $20 for Father's Day and then when he told them we weren't going to do something they wanted, they said, "we know you have money dad, because we just gave you some."
Last year, he asked both SSs to call him on his birthday (they were away with BM even though they are supposed to be with DH on his birthday). Neither one did. He even told them the date of his birthday about three days before and they still didn't.
My overly-dramatic SS always feels put out when other people give DH gifts and he doesn't have one to give. He even tries to claim that he purchased gifts others give or that it was his idea to give those gifts. It's not as if I don't offer to help him pick something out...
Now, I just get DH something on my own and say it's from me. No need to give his ungrateful children credit. If they were my kids, I'd feel so disappointed in them.
I used to let SS know I was
I used to let SS know I was willing to help him get gifts for either of his parents for any occasion and then left it at that. If he didn't do it (and sometimes he did, sometimes he didn't), then that was on him. He was alienated at 15 and DH heard nothing from 2015-2018 on Father's Day. I'm waiting to see if SS does anything next weekend, now that he's not alienated anymore. I'm not holding my breath.
You can't control DH's relationship with his kids. I know you want to make him feel less hurt, but that's just putting a band-aid on a gaping wound. Believe me, I know how hard it is - Father's Day is not pleasant for me now, with my own father gone and DH treated like a nothing by his own son.
Father's Day
This year willl be tough. Munchkin SD13 - she is really bad about thinking of anyone else but herself. It starting to get really noticable. Shes sweet to everyone, but for example, she is a really good artist, yet when her father raised money for her to go to science camp, and I encuouraged her to make a thank you card, all she came with were stick figures.
DH's kids dont really do anything at all. And Toxic Troll just last night called him a "cold hearted bastard". ANd Feral Forger his eldest is acting line an A$$.
Im just going to take him out and do something nice for my father. Its really not up to me at this point. Im with the others, if SS's dont want to do anything, you should not feel obligated to do something on their behalf. It misses the point.
It’s very nice of you to be
It’s very nice of you to be so caring. I do help my ss12 with fathers days gifts because I love my husband but if the kids don’t want to participate then I wouldn’t make them. Maybe you could get something from all the kids.
I agree with the others. I
I agree with the others. I wouldn’t focus on it and let it go.
I never bring up Father’s Day and gift giving to skid, but I always look forward to what she gives DH.
Since she is attached to MIL’s hip over summer visitation, and summer visitation happens in June, I assume MIL takes her shopping for her dad.
One year it was a very basic coffee mug from Walmart that looked as though it was a piece from a cheap set of dishes.
Another year it was a book titled Man Up! (the one about classic skills for modern guys). I bet both MIL and skid thought they were pretty cheeky gifting him that. I definitely cackled when he opened it.
You asked SK,
That enough, If they don’t respond with asking you to take them shopping. I would disengage from the whole SK father day gift. Take BK and get BF and SF gifts. I’m would not get a gift where SK benefit from gift. Like tickets to someplace. Yes, I know that they are his kids, but that how he and BM raised Them. You can not do more then birth parents
I really appreciate all of
I really appreciate all of your feedback. I am unfortuntely the type of person that always wants to do the right thing and make sure everyone is happy. But you are right, if skids don't care then why should I go above and beyond to try to do this for them. I think I will take my biokids shopping tonight and give the stepkids one last opportunity to go with us. If they choose not to that's on them and they won't have a gift for their dad. And I'm sure as hell not going to let them try to take credit for any special gift that my bios pick out!!
I always go above and beyond
I always go above and beyond for my husband too. I try and get his kids involved. I actually left what was probably a bit nasty of a voicemail to SS14... I am blocked from his phone but who knows if he will listen to it. I said something along the lines of "If you actually feel like thinking of your dad for once in your life..." but whatever.
OSS19 has his issues (autistic). He came up with some stupid stuff... I redirected and he got excited. So I am going to go with that. My kids came up with some good ideas for DH and for their dad so I have ordered all of their stuff.
This year, I am just not going to include SS14. He is being a jerk and it is what it is.
My ss is 21, he has lived with hubby since the
parents divorce 11 yrs ago. Never once has he cared about hubby, ask how he is, how was work, mention happy birthday or just talk to his dad about stuff... sd23 & sd14 are even worse because of the major brainwashing from bio mum and the pas.
My husband said its absolute torture to spend time with them as there is no family dynamic, the 3 skids don’t even talk like siblings. I don’t get involved.
If we happen to be out at lunch or dinner and everyone is singing happy birthday to ss, i keep quiet and don’t get involved. I have disengaged since 10 month ago
At this age they are still teachable...
If you have the strength, I would plan a craft for all of them to make for your Dh, something simple, even a card from each. Look up a cute Father's Day card idea on pinterest. Then make sure to give Dh the heads up that a great big thank you is in order as you are teaching them to give and care for others. If you can set the pattern now and help them learn how great it feels to be thanked you might succeed. With the 3 & 5 year old in my life, they make cards or gifts, drawings for everyone's birthday and get praise.
But it is not your job, everyone is right.
I'm betting that
this year on Father's Day just like every other Father's Day, birthday and Christmas that SS(17) will show up with exactly the same thing he does every year - a statement of "I bought you something but it hasn't come in the mail yet" LOL seriously every holiday this is what he says. I'm honestly going to lose it if he uses this same excuse this time. Does he not remember that he has said the same thing for the last 5years, 3 times a year? One year my older DD took him shopping for Christmas and he never thanked her (which is whatever, not why she took him) but he bought his dad something that he wanted and ended up using. I won't stress about it. If they are with you and you have time take them to the store, if not give them some paper and a pencil and have them write a letter. My SO would be just as happy with a card but spawn hasn't figured out yet that they sell then at the Dollar Store on his way over.