a little OT, marriage advice
I have sort of posted about this before but I am looking for advice. On top of the non stop blended family drama I sometimes feel my marriage is doomed.
We are total opposites....religion and polictics...total opposites. We don't like the same music or movies. We have opposite personalities. He is a homebody and I am not....this is the part I am struggling with. DH is content to just stay home and lay around and I just want to go and have fun...beach, pool, water sports on the river, parks, festivals the list goes on.....we have everything at our disposal.
I want friends (I lost all of mine in my previous divorce) and he is fine with no friends and we have ZERO friends outside of work. He won't even be friendly to the neighbors....he avoids them.
Even when we have gone on vacation...he likes to stay in the room and relax/watch TV. It drives me crazy. My blood boils and I feel like I am missing out on life. My life used to be full (in my first marriage) and so much fun!!!! Now I feel stuck and this feels like the rest of my life will be spend in the confines on my home with him laying down.
Even my kids notice........they go to their dads and do things and live the life they were used to before the divorce...they come to my house and it's just blah and I don't even blame them for complaining. I know I can take them out and about myself.....but I don't want to do everything by myself or I'd just be single.
Each time this happens.....where we spend weekends doing NOTHING or he just sleeps in while I take care of the baby and clean the house I am like 30 seconds from exploding it on him. I've been holding it in for a couple of years. He is just really lazy I think b/c he always tries to mask it with a headache, stomach ache or something other BS way he doesn't feel good. But he is fine and dandy at work M-F.....
Is this just doomed ? Or is there somethign I can do? I know that I can't spend the rest of my life with a human that wants to spend all their free time LAYING down in a bed.
Has he always been like this?
Has he always been like this? Or did he pull the ole switcheroo on you after marriage?
If he has always been like this, it is not likely to change.
Yes, the signs were there and
Yes, the signs were there and I should have paid attention. We sort of rushed into this. I think even his mom said as a kid/teen he would spend DAYS in bed. And I know his EX had made mention of the same.....and then his kids have also made remarks about him always laying down.
I don't think it's going to change and I don't know what to do. I don't think my marriage is going to last.....he is already 50 so add that into it. Will he be even worse in 5 years? We have a 1 year old that deserves more than staying home and missing out on everything.
and while I am complaining...
and while I am complaining......I don't even think he realizes it. He also doesn't help me around the house or at least keep our yard nice. We get letters from the HOA b/c he won't take care of the yard or he half asses it and then says someting shitty to me if I take the HOA's side on how the yard looks.
He gives me so much anxiety and a feeling of depression....just his presence has me on edge b/c he also likes to criticize me but he sugar coats it as a joke. The only time I ever feel that I am not on the verge of a nervous breakdown is the rare occasion he goes out of town work or works late..........and anytime I try to talk to him about anything....he is not a communicator at ALL ....I end up apologizing b/c he turns it on me like I did something. He makes me feel like all these issues I have or any issues are b/c I worry too much or think too much or.....whatever else. He shoots down all of my ideas but then says he does't.......
HELP
What do you love about him
What do you love about him and why are you still there?
I mean, it's obviously ok if people with different ideas and interests are together.. but they should have some commonalities and coupleness going on. It honestly sounds like he has always been like this to an extent. I don't see it really getting better unless he REALLY wants it to be different.. it' will likely get worse as he ages.
I do love him but I can't
I do love him but I can't list why. I am wildly physically attracted to him....but that fades I guess?? Well the more resentment I hold toward him I guess I can tell it's begining to slowly fade.
There are moments when he isn't like this and then things are wonderful.....but 80 percent of the time things aren't so good for me.
I have never just frankly brought it up and I think I need to. But I don't know how to say it. He isn't someone you can really talk to. He either makes a joke or changes the subject and then figures out a way that it's my fault.
He makes me feel like I am to needy or hard to please...and maybe I am to an extent. I struggle with a TON of guilt from my first divorce......
My DH is similar. He works a
My DH is similar. He works a really physical job, so his idea of the perfect weekend is taking intermittent naps while watching movies and maybe doing some yard work. We definitely have to plan to do things. Having friends to do things with also helps. DH and I moved, so now I'm farther from friends and really miss that. I do things with friends now about once a month, as opposed to several times a week. I've told DH that this is noticeable and it's making me unhappy. We moved to be closer to SSs and so we could get a home big enough for everyone to have their own room.
My parents have been happily married for decades, but after my sister and I were out of the house, my mother basically had to find groups of friends because my dad is not big into doing much. Now, she goes out all the time and he stays home most of the time. Now that he's retired, he's really bored.
They do things periodically and go out to dinner every Saturday, so they still do things together, but my mother also has several different friend groups that she does things with.
Are there things the two of you like to do together that you could schedule once a weekend or every other weekend? Even if you started doing something small, it would help you reconnect. You should also look for others with common interests though, so your DH is not the only person you have to do things with.
I could understand if my DH
I could understand if my DH had a physical job like yours does. But he doesn't.
I mean he will go shopping with me and we go out to eat very often....he goes to the grocery store with me....we sit out back and have happy hour about twice a week....but it's like that's the limit...if we go out to lunch then that's it for the day....we can't do anything else.... I am talking more like getting outdoors and enjoying life, friends and a social life.....fun.
Suggestion, if you want to
Suggestion, if you want to save your marriage (I'd be more concerned about the gaslighting he is doing):
My DH is lazy. He admits it. He will do things, but he likes being at home, on the couch, away from the world. I'm not like that, and it drives me nuts if I spend a whole weekend inside.
So we compromise. On weekends without kids, we spend Saturday out and about doing things and spend Sunday at home. I usually put off errands and cleaning until Sunday because it gives me something to do around the house. DH musters up all his socialization points for Saturday and genuinely tries to have fun.
Weekends with the kids are a crapshoot and dependent upon their activities/needs from DH. However, they are homebodies, too, so I tend to go out with friends and do different things without DH on kid weekends.
Specifically designating every other Saturday and Sunday as active and rests days really help. Sure, other obligations get in the way, but WE don't purposefully schedule things that aren't in line with that day's intended purpose.
My parents were a bit
My parents were a bit different with their tolerance for socializing. My dad was much more of a homebody.. and my mom liked going out and doing more things. So.. she did.. without him.
Maybe you could focus on doing some stuff on your own.. maybe an interest.. join a club, take a class check out your local "meetup" site to see what's happening. Sure.. it will be without him.. but he can be at home.. resting in his peace.
Just because you are more outgoing.. doesn't mean he has to be. I think it would be nice for him occasionally join you out.. or for you to laze around with him, but own your own happiness here and don't wait for him.
I could....but we have a 1
I could....but we have a 1 year old. So, if I go out on my own I likely take baby or he gets pissy because I leave her....so if she is there he can't sleep as much. And don't forget we have 5 pre-teen/ teen DD's between us on top of the baby.....so I'll likely get stuck going out with the whole crew while he has peace alone at home.....and goes to sleep.
I feel like it's more that he is lazy....and that is what drives me crazy. He can't be bothered to go and have fun but he also can't be bothered to take out the trash. grrrrrrr I can see him wanting to stay home but why does it have to be sleeping? Why can't we do a home project or just some chores.........he just can't.
It is not doomed, but it
It is not doomed, but it depends if you are ok 1. talking about the issue and 2. working with your husband to come up with a solution. Without talking about it, things will not get better. Thridly, you will have to accept that he may not accompany you on all of your adventures and that you will probably be doing a lot of them without him most probably, finding an acomplice (sibling, friend, social group) will help you not to feel like you are doing them all on your own. Of course you could just do your own thing with out discussing it but talking to him first will before starting to activate your social life again will help the transition and for him not to feel like you are rejecting him when you are out more often.
If you cannot talk about it then I suggest that you two need to work on communication as a priority, because without that relationships really are a huge struggle. A therapist might be able to help you two with this.
He is probably an introvert.
He is probably an introvert. And there is nothing wrong with that. It sounds like you are an extrovert. Also nothing wrong with this!
I am lucky as DH and I are both introverts. I am happy being alone. I like being home most of the time.
However, if this is such a big deal to you, why did you get married? If socializing is so important to you (again which is fine) than you probably need a partner who is more or less the same.
But if you really want this marriage to work, then you and your husband need at least to compromise.
But as SayNo said, there is no excuse for laziness or making you do the housework.
He absolutely needs to pitch in or hire someone to do it
Are introverts typically
Are introverts typically laying down watching TV or sleeping? That's the part that bothers me...that I can't accept.. Do introverts mow their lawns? Go outside? Take out the trash? Swim? That's where I'm at a loss...Introvert doesn't have to mean lazy does it?
.I dont have to have friends or some fancy social life......but I do need my DH to help me with the house and actually want to walk out into daylight and participate in life besides when he goes to work....or just go hang at the beach or pool.....or like I said a home project....or just wake up in the morning and have a cup of coffee with me......instead of waking up only to keep laying down.
I didn't really know it would be this way....we rushed to get married. Maybe it was a mistake.....
I know many introverts who go
I know many introverts who go hinking, camping, golfing and other solitary things. Being introverted doesn't mean being a lazy shut-in.
I would hire a dishy gardener
I would hire a dishy gardener, remember desperate housewives? Just kidding. If you are still wildly attracted to your partner your marriage is currently fine. It’s when you aren’t that’s the big issue. It’s like OMG I have to look at you for the next twenty thirty years or so. - you have relatively small stuff that can be worked out. Add to that, that he doesn’t bore you to tears so you are reasonably compatible. It may be if you were with someone more similar to yourself you may fight a lot or something. Similar personalities can clash quite a lot.
Has you DH been to the doctor
Has you DH been to the doctor recently? Sounds like he could be depressed. Its unlikely things will get better unless something changes.
Do not sacrifice your life's
Do not sacrifice your life's happiness for this guy. Life is too short and too precious.