I feel like I’m drowning
Hey guys,
I’m a new member but have been reading the forum for a while. I have been with my DH for 2 years now and have three SS: 12SS, 11SS, and 8SS. The BM is very much in the picture, however we only have the Skids every other weekend and special occasions like birthdays.
I honestly don’t know what the purpose of this post was. It’s the weekend we have the three boys and I’m hiding in my room posting this, trying to find some moment of peace. The SS’s are kind to me and can be sweet, however are mostly undisciplined. I often spend the weekends we have them trying to block out the endless screaming as they fight each other and the back chat whenever DH disciplines them. I won’t sit here and lie, their behaviour is due to both BM and DH. BM cheated on DH after they were together for 7 years and he’s grown resentful and often views having the children here as a chore given BM uses the times she drops them off to belittle DH or make comments about their previous relationship to try to stir me up,
I constantly feel like I’m drowning in this blended family. I hate that BM is involved in every aspect of our lives, given we struggle financially and she complains that CS isn’t enough and how little DH contributed. She constantly yells at the children and just tonight, I found out from SS12 that he thinks their behaviour is causing their SF (BM has a new partner) to drink excessively, and I can only imagine that BM is telling them this. She is a good mum most of the time and the kids behavioural/developmental issues are difficult to deal with so I understand how she may have meltdowns at times, but telling Skids this and constant yelling can’t be good for them.
I think my real issue is that by being with DH, I have to be subjected to BM and her toxic attitude. She constantly belittles DH for being a “bad father” and condones skids bad behaviour towards others at school. My DH just takes it because his self esteem has been destroyed by this woman and he’s just given up. I am struggling to accept that BM is going to be around and I don’t know what to do. I love DH and we’re married now. I knew Skids were going to be part of the package and I was okay with that but I think I didn’t fully grasp how much this would all be. I dread having the skids here and I hate the constant yelling that the skids have learned from BM. I also hate when my DH yells and sometimes smacks them when they are naughty. While this is good on his half for disciplining, I have always been in a peaceful home growing up and this constant negativity and yelling makes me want to run away. I’m worried that I rushed things and I have no idea what to do. I love DH so much and I keep waiting to adjust to my blended family and find a way to make it work but I’m constantly exhausted from the skids terrible behaviour, the BM belittling my DH, and feeling like she has all the control because if we fought her, she would make things difficult by dropping off the skids and disappearing when we are in no capacity to care full time for them (we both work full time, live in a small house and would get no financial support from BM so wouldn’t have the finances).
Has anyone else been through this? Any tips on getting over this feeling of being suffocated? I should be grateful we only have them 2 nights each fortnight but even that feels like a punishment and I feel awful talking to anyone about this given I’m supposed to be nurturing of DH stepping up and being a parent.
god, I feel like a monster.
BM doesn't sound like a good
BM doesn't sound like a good mom to me. And it's sad that your DH basically dislikes his kids and won't stand up to his ex or parent his kids. What makes you afraid she will dump the kids on you and disappear? That's not the M.O. of most of the BMs on here, because then they lose control of their ex.
If he isn't willing to parent, he should stop his weekend visitation and just see them for a few hours every other week. But it sounds like he's another man who is afraid to take his balls out of BM's grasp.
I think my real issue is that
I think my real issue is that by being with DH, I have to be subjected to BM and her toxic attitude.
If your H had the capacity of knowing how to handle a BM like this, you shouldn't be subjected to her toxic ways. Your H lack of self esteem and allowing her to run his life is why she so easily interjects herself into your lives, he basically lets her. Until he honors you both and puts a stop to it, this will continue.
I feel awful talking to anyone about this given I’m supposed to be nurturing of DH stepping up and being a parent.
You should be supportive of your H but what good is that if he's not stepping up and controlling his life. You can't do that for him. These are his children and you are no monster. You are in a position where your H's X basically dictates his life where there are three sons with no structure and he has to do something about it...instead of laying down and allowing this shit show to go down. Action is required, none of which he is doing so the outcome will always be the same unless he changes it.
You should push your DH to go
You should push your DH to go into therapy to deal with his feelings of resentment towards the kids. They likely feel it too. BM shouldn't take up any room in your head. Ignore her, ignore any games she plays, ignore it all. Go out when the kids are over - spend the day at the beach/mall/wherever you enjoy going. Just do you - you only have them 2 days a week. You should be able to focus on yourself for those 2 days easily.