What are your thoughts about last names post-divorce?
As i posted, I am filing for divorce. I don't really have another option if I want to demonstrate any kind of self-respect.
I have a fairly complex situation and i'm contemplating keeping my married last name. Most people understand that.....then i say I don't have kids with this man and I was married for one year.....then people tend to say "WHAT??? WHY ARE YOU KEEPING HIS NAME???"
Long story short: I have a history of extremely complex childhood trauma. I worked on a lot of it during my marriage and did a lot of self-improvement. Now, as I face divorce... I thought about going back to my maiden name and I shuddered at the thought. "Pinkleton Maiden Name"?!?! She's a weak person who couldn't face anything. She's enxiety ridden. She's insecure. She's still that little girl in an adult body. "Pinkleton Married Name". She's an adult. She faced some of the biggest challenges of her life. She overpowered the past and is making a future. <--- These are my actual thoughts associated with my name. It doesn't even have anything to do with being married, the man i married, or anything else. but part of me feels like i'm "not allowed" to keep it or i'm "holding on" by keeping it. I guess I just have really shit timing on making myself a better person.
I thought about "picking a new name" that is not my married or maiden name. But here's the challenge... I have not disclosed my childhood trauma to anyone except one person... which is going to lead to A LOT of questions. Questions from close family and friends that I feel uncomfortable answering and i feel uncomfortable dodging. Its enough fun having to tell people i'm getting a divorce.. i don't really want to toss in my childhood traumas on top of it.
Am i crazy? What do you think?
FYI: I know this is not completely step-family related... but many of you have lots of experience with divorce, name changes, and all this good stuff that stepfamily members get to deal with.
- Pinkleton's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Do what you feel good about.
Do what you feel good about. Don’t make the decision based on what other people will think. BE that strong woman you’ve become.
My 2.5 cents
My SIL changed her name to her SECOND husbands last name and kept it post divorce, even. She said it sounded better than all the others even her maiden name (true story, and she is something of a fashionista....)
So, march to the beat your own drum Pinkleton, keep forging forward, and use whatever last name you feel your phsyche wants to. IRL I have a VERY unusual name, and I kept my maiden name for personal reasons. so I totally get the importance of a name and how it fits our identities.
I dunno - might be nice for
I dunno - might be nice for you to go back to your old last name as a new person, as the final step in mastering the trauma. Because the marriage and name change had nothing to do with you overcoming it.
But keep whatever name you want.
that's an interesting
that's an interesting perspective that i haven't really thought of.. a piece that i forgot to post is that my abuser shares my maiden name... i think thats another reason I don't want to go back to it.
You have to think about your future
If you find new man, with out kids. Do you want to be know by your married name. Do you want to be married by your using your married name, I would go back to maiden name or pick a new name to used. Clean break, for a fresh start.
I view my name as me, not
I view my name as me, not necesarily an association to my stbx.. I don't know how or why.
but along these lines, what i have thought about is.. what if i was in the shoes of a man i dated in the future? Would I be uncomfortable being in a relationship with someone if they had kept a married name? Then I go back to the rationale of why i choose to keep it and think maybe it shouldnt matter.. its SO EARLY for me to think about this.. but its just on my mind
.....then people tend to say
Screw what people say! Who are these people and are they going to have to carry your last name? Will they reap the consequences of your decision? They have no say in this and neither does your STBX. Stop asking for anyone else's input.
You legally attained that last name by marrying the guy. If you want to keep it then go for it. This is 100% your decision and your life. Do whatever make sense for you. Personally I'd change it to something awesome that I absolutley love, but maybe you love your current last name, if so keep it.
I kept my married name for the same reason, but...
I wish I would've picked a new name altogether. Where I live it would've been free for me to change it during the divorce, but now I have to pay a few hundred dollars when its all said and done. That sucks. I always figured I'd just change it when I married again, but I never did...so I'm stuck with the married name 17 years later! But yeah, I don't talk to any of my family because of childhood trauma and dysfunction, so I also shuddered at the sound of returning to my maiden name. I just couldn't go back. I also hated to keep the married name because my ex was such an abusive jerk, but decided because I had full custody of our son I would keep it for his sake. It was the best of two options at the time, but I've always wished I would've chosen a 3rd...pick one that I chose for myself. As for what people have to say...not their business. It's YOUR life, YOUR name! :)
thank you for that input!!!
thank you for that input!!!
Then i think..... HOW THE HELLLLLL do you pick a new last name?! theres so many options! hahaha
Yeah, there's that!
I am glad I didn't pick some I was seriously considering at one time. It's almost like trying to decide on a tattoo! *lol*
Hahahahahaha that is the BEST
Hahahahahaha that is the BEST comparison!!!
Totally do this
If you have no kids and don't like the associations, just change it as part of the divorce. If it won't hurt you professionally, do it.
I kept my ex's last name because we had been married so long it was how I was known professionally and because we had a son together and it made it easier. I had told DH I was thinking of changing to his last name after DS launched, but now it's been even longer and now I'm even more established professionally with this name. BM kept DH's last name which is another reason I don't want to change, don't want to be a sister-wife. And my mom kept my dad's last name because of us kids and never changed it because of professional reasons. I also have a friend where both her and her fiance changed their last names when they married because their last names were too much the same, and other set where they just didn't like 'em.
Maybe when I retire I'll change both my names just for fun and confusion.
It is your name.
It is your name. You have every right to keep it if you want to. Changing everything to your married name was a pain and changing everything back will be a pain! Your personal reasons for keeping the name are yours and are no one's business. You owe no one any explanations.
Honestly though, people are going to be asking you a lot of intrusive questions over the next few months that they have no right to ask and you are under no obligation to answer. "This is what I decided to do" is really all that you need to say unless it is something you actually want to talk about to that person. And if they persist, "I don't want to talk about it any further" is completely appropriate. You are a grown woman and have the right to privately make your own decisions. Anyone who doesn't understand that after first being politely informed can be walked away from or, if you can not physically get away from them, frozen out with "what part of I don't want to talk about it did you not understand?"
I think it's all personal
I think it's all personal opinion.
Another way to look at it though.
Pinkleton Maiden Name. She's the bada$$ that got out of a bad situation and looked out for herself (if you change it back). But that could apply to Pinkleton Divorced name. Regardless of what you choose. Whatever name you end on, that's who the bada$$ is. Who worked so hard and is now looking out for HER.
If you choose to keep the
If you choose to keep the last name and people ask why? Respond with have you ever changed your name? Do you understand the laundry list of a nightmare it really is! Most people (WOMEN) who have had to do it completely understand.
If you chose to change it back to your maiden name own it!! "I'm Penny Pinkelton and I'm PROUD!" lol sorry your name reminds me of hairspray.
If you opt for a whole new name you can tell people well this was a great opportunity for a whole change, new name, new me!
Whatever option you choose own it and be proud of it, and who cares what other people think, it's not their life.
Pick a last name you like.
Leave all that nonsense behind. You don't have to explain. I started using my middle name because my first name has some bad mojo on it. People get over it. But change your name now during the divorce it is easier than doing it later. Do you have a family name maybe from an ancestor you like. Use that one. Good luck Pinkleton.
I actually did this
because my father has a cult following in the cult I was raised in. Took my maternal Grandma's maiden name
It's YOUR name, not your STBX
It's YOUR name, not your STBX's.
You have every right to it and to do with it what you want, including keeping it.
It doesn't matter if you were married for one day or one year.
It doesn't matter that you will not have any ties to ex.
IT. DOES. NOT. MATTER.
It is YOUR name.
Don't pay attention to what other people say: they can go pound sand.
It is your name, tied to your identity.
Be whomever you like through your own choice of name.
I agree, and I will add, I am
I agree, and I will add, I am remarried now. Married at 19, divorced at 41, and stayed single for about 10 years. So that name has been my name most of my life. It did not bother new DH that I kept my former married name.
Your name your choice. If you
Your name your choice. If you feel more comfortable with the newer name then keep it. The nice thing is without joint children you'll never been the BM that some future wife cries foul about having to share a last name. That comes off cold but I hope it makes sense. You do what makes you happy. It's your legal name and your right to keep or change as you wish.
I kept my XH's last name only
I kept my XH's last name only becaue we shared children who have his last name. It is completely up to you and what makes you most comfortable.
Your decision. Me - it would
Your decision. Me - it would KILL me to be saddled with an ex's name. But that is ME - not you.
A dear friend of mine decided that she did not want either her ex's name or her maiden name. She picked a grandmother's maiden name (or maybe even a great grandmother's maiden name) as her new last name. I never heard a word (or anyone ask) why she didn't want her maiden name.
Pick a name that you want. And that even includes your married name if that's it. Your decision.
Your decision!
Your decision!
After my divorce I did not change my name back - I liked my 'maiden' name as my middle name better and it was a PITA to change it. I did however change my name again when I married DH, because I wanted to, yes it was a PITA!, and I love his family as a whole.
This is a topic I've been
This is a topic I've been mulling lately.
A friend recently escaped her abusive marriage. It was a very bad situation that she had tried in various ways to end, but her ex didn't want to lose control of his cash cow. He somehow managed to have her Baker Acted (which she's pursuing redress for via the courts), and she's finally free. (This friend works in the legal profession, btw) As soon as she had somewhat recovered, she changed her surname to her mother's maiden name. For her, it seems part of her recovery process and a way to honor her mother, who has been her staunchest support. I applaud her for doing whatever she needs to do to rid herself of that b@st@rd's stench.
I think for some of us, there's great power and symbolism in a name, while others are more pragmatic. It seems women always have some man's surname, be it a father or husband or grandfather's. Everyone's circumstance is unique, and each woman should do what feels right for her.
I've promised myself that if DH predeceases me, I'm going to legally drop his name. With him gone, there would be zero reason to be called by the surname of a loony family I've distanced myself from. Isn't that a freeing thought?
My mother kept her married
My mother kept her married name after divorcing my father. I don’t know her reasons though. She kept it until she married my stepdad almost 10 years later.
Now, my DH’s exes (yes, multiple) did not keep his last name. I think it was even in the divorce decree that SD’s BM would change back to her maiden name. That was not by DH’s request though, so I thought it odd.
You do you, girlfriend!
I kept my first husband's
I kept my first husband's last name after I remarried. One name change was enough for me.
My mother kept my father's last name after their divorce, and still has it after being remarried for 30 years.
Not a big deal.
Do what you think is best for YOU.
Totally your call, don’t let
Totally your call, don’t let anyone else’s opinion lead you to a decision that’s not right for YOU! Personally, if DH & were to divorce I’d likely keep my new last name too. Changing it is a pain, and I like how my married last name flows with my first name better than my maiden one. I know plenty of divorced women who’ve kept their married names, and plenty who haven’t. Do what’s best for you lady, you’re a badass either way!
Once again it’s not how you feel
but how new BF feels. That you want to keep a connection with XH. You are not ready to move on
Not talking about people with children with Ex
Keeping a married last name
Keeping a married last name post divorce doesn’t always mean you’re keeping a connection to an ex. It’s legally YOUR last name, and changing it is a PITA. If a new BF is that put off by it, he’s probably a possessive d-bag anyways, so meh.
i kept ExH last name. It was
i kept ExH last name. It was something DS asked for so I reluctantly agreed. I did warn him if I remarried I would take new husband's name.
I didn't read all the other
I didn't read all the other comments. Here we go into my last name story!
I was born with last name A
Adopted and got Last name B at 7 yrs old
Married at 18 with Last name C
Divorced at 29 - kept C (my kids last name)
Married at 30 - Last name D
Divorced at 31- back to last name C (my kids last name, everyone still called me that name anyway)- swore I would never marry again.
Married at 35 - Last name E.
I AM NEVER CHANGING MY DAMN NAME AGAIN. I didn't even want to when I got married this time. It was really important to my husband. I have been with the same company for years and had to give an authorization today. The person on the phone asked my name. I am always like damn.... First Name and last name could be listed As C D or E. It sucks!
My maiden name is long and
My maiden name is long and difficult to pronounce. My ex was a violent stalker. So when I divorce him, I change my name to a completely new name.....one I like, identify with, for my safety and because I was whole different person.
Tell people to mind their damn business
Maria Kondo this situation - those people bringing their two sense ??? Doesn’t bring you joy??? Throw them out!
keep your last name, don’t, change it to Rockefeller, just make sure you’re putting your happiness first
I think it would be a blast
I think it would be a blast to pick a name! So freeing, creative and fun!!!! That’s what I would do. So many beautiful names out there.
what are your hobbies? What are you passionate about?
I wanted to add...I had two
I wanted to add...I had two friends get married. She did not want his name and he did not want hers.
So they made up a new last name for the both of them. Walker. Because they wanted to walk through life peacefully. I always thought it was interesting and fun that they did this.
My BM kept my dad's last name
My BM kept my dad's last name after they divorced. She said she'd had that name longer than her maiden name. At the end of the day, it's your choice. Do what's right for you.
I wouldnt think much of it
I wouldnt think much of it either way. I know alot of people who have kept their married last name for various reasons and I didnt think much about it. Unless it's a family name that's well known for something in particular or associated strongly with something it probably doesn't matter much.
My married last name is one of the most common last names in the US so I dont really see it as part of my identity. Kind of hard to think of it as our family name when every like 5th person I meet has the same last name anyway even though they're no relation.