Sunday thinking after a glass of wine.
Just posting this for myself. I had online journals years ago that I reread sometimes, so this one might be helpful in the years ahead.
Had a big accomplishment today. Something I’ve been working towards for years. And I’ve just spent the last two weeks straight with my 15SD. And it’s been okay. Maybe some of my issues are not with her, but with myself. We have the same mental diagnosis (anxiety) and take the same medication for it. She’s grown up with enough money for all her needs and wants, and I grew up on social assistance. My father was absent, and hers is there for whatever she needs. (Whatever I need as well. I love him to bits for it). It’s easily possible that I’m jealous of her for having what I never had. That’s a horrible thought, but it could be true. In that case, I’m jealous of a teenage girl with anxiety who’s acting out in the only ways she feels she can. Just like I did years ago. So I need to work on some things, I think.
I’m not really a stepmom I guess, because we’re not living together, and we aren’t married. But we may be soon. Maybe I should think about who I was at my SD’s age.
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I also am trying to work on
I also am trying to work on my part in the step mom/step kid dynamic and what I can do to improve myself.
Having empathy for the skid
Having empathy for the skid definitely can help you get through things..lol. Remembering that you are the adult... and choosing to be there vs the kid not having the same option... and I "know" that bio kids don't choose their parents.. but it is a bit different to be raised in a bio home vs a step situation.. and it's disingenuous to say that they aren't.
So... you can still have your own feelings and reactions.. but being able to step back and analyze them from a mature perspective? that's a good ability.
Problem with them or a problem with yourself?
I comlpetely get what you're saying. My Father was present...but absent most of the time and my fiance and his daughter are inseparable so it's been a difficult thing to understand as well. You should never feel guilty for feeling like she has what you didnt because it's completely normal to reflect on "what could have been" for yourself. Chances are, your upbringing, made you a strong person today but no matter how strong it's hard for you to see someone not have to "work for it." It's totally fine to feel like that. It's just what you do with it that's important.
I always feel like DH gives SD13 too much without her having to really work for anything....but jokes on DH when she goes off to college and cant do anything for herself.
I feel this way about my SO
I feel this way about my SO and SS13 (and SD10) as well! It’s hard when I grew up working for everything.
A 15 year-old with mental health issues?
Wait until she’s launched before you move in or commit to marriage.
I’m gonna have to wait. She’s
I’m gonna have to wait. She’s awful to live with. And I have a stupid amount of patience.
But your SD is not the only
But your SD is not the only problem, your BF is also part of the problem.
Absolutely he is. She was
Absolutely he is. She was over for a few hours yesterday, and I got a real taste of what daily life is like with her. Sitting on the couch playing video games instead of doing homework, demanding special take out snacks (which he ran out to get), sassy remarks and arguing. He’ll yell at her, but ten minutes later it’s like nothing happened. There are no lasting punishments or repercussions for her behaviour.
And I swear, if I get called “boring” one more effing time...
I don’t think I’m gonna move in until she’s out. I couldn’t live like that. Yelling gives me major anxiety and I wouldn’t be able to escape it. Even her own grandparents are appalled by her (their side comments when she’s around are hilarious).
You are going to have to make
You are going to have to make sure she's out for good, and even then, there is no guarantee that he won't let her have a significant impact on your relationship. Just read some stories in the Adult Stepchildren Forum.
Boring?
"SD, only boring people get bored. Your choice. It's up to you, SD."