Oft. Wow, I am so sorry! The freaking nerve of him to cheat (and all the other stuff!)! You have done SO MUCH for him AND his girls! 

I am glad you had the strength to leave... it IS a hard step to make.

PA, you are an absolute gem of a woman. If it weren't for you, those girls would still be with Psycho and your DH would likely still be living with his parents (sleeping on the floor) and floundering. You have gone above and beyond time after time because you are warm, loving, and genuine. Whatever the outcome, you will come through this, shining like the gem you are.

I'm here for you, hon. {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

Damn PA I'm so sorry! You always seemed so on top of it all! We all agreed he was being a whiny man child, but now cheating?

I know you are a strong person and will be okay whatever the outcome. Just be strong in your convictions and do not waver on what you chose as your boundaries!

I hope for his sake he wises up and realizes what he's losing in you as a partner. Keep that in mind when you guys are in counseling...where are you at as partners, not as the person whose been raising his damn kids for him.

I do hope that you dont go back, but if you do, I understand that too.

Sending healing hugs from hot and sunny california, with a little salt water added.

Damn. I'm sorry.

I survived cheating. (Emotional, but I almost wish it were physical. But that's a story for another time.) After LOTS of anguish, DH and I committed to the marriage. We both found therapists for us as individuals, but didn't do couples' counseling, and I'm sorry about that now. We needed both. I spent two years with my therapist to learn how to set boundaries, accept that I had zero to do with the affair (I'm normally a strong confident person, but went way off the rails over this), and work on my OWN happiness. I strongly recommend that you find a therapist for yourself too.

Anyway, it's been, what, four years? We're happy but things are forever changed and I still have (and probably always will have) PTSD-type flashbacks. But it's no longer every two minutes. More like every two weeks or months. There will always be triggers.

It's IMPOSSIBLE for you to just "move on." That he expects it is hugely immature and selfish (but it's also common). He'd just like you to stop talking about it and go back to "normal." Take it from me, there is no longer anything remotely like "normal." That has to be created all over again. He MUST be willing to talk about it with you, answer even your most difficult questions, and he must be willing to do that whenever you need him to so that YOU heal. If he won't do that, he doesn't care about your healing -- just his own guilt and shame.

Reconciling after an affair takes a huge amount of work and patience, and it takes a long time. Both of you have to be willing to do the work. Lots of marriages survive infidelity, but many more don't.

Add all the step nonsense on top of that and, honey, damn.

PA, your DUH is a complete idiot. How does he not appreciate the best thing to happen to him?  Be good to yourself. It sounds like you're not going to settle for his too little too late attempts to do the things you've been begging for for ages. Stick to your guns and make sure there is real, continuing change before you consider going back.  Remember, you are a PRIZE and can do a lot better than him. He is immature, lazy and has a ton of baggage.  You are in control of what you do here. Make your decisions selfishly, based solely on your needs. Your needs have been pushed to the side for too long - you need to be the priority now. ((((HUGS))))

I found www.chumplady.org to be a great resource for me when I was recovering from infidelity . Do you know what a prize you are? You are loyal and hardworking and he so messed up . I wouldn’t take him back if I were you . You deserve and can get a partner that truely is there for you . 

Wow, I had no idea you were close to separation. What an idiot, how many women does he think he can find who will take on care of his kids?

And speaking of that, I hope if you go back, you will put most of the burden on him in terms of caring for the kids and dealing with psycho and her family.

My mind is just blown! I am so sorry. You have done everything for him for so long, I can't believe it. What a dick move.

One thing is for sure, you are a strong, independent and fully capable woman!! Whatever you decide, YOU are going to do great things. 

Please do not beat yourself up for staying and wanting to work things out. This just shows you are a person who did what you felt was best for all at that time. That must have been hard to do and for that you are a strong woman. Sometimes in life things happen that are heartbreaking. It takes our breath away and we don't know which way to turn. So all you can do is what works best for you. Never think you are being selfish for taking care of your needs. Right now you need to learn to be your own best friend. Use this time to sort things out in your head...not your heart. Realize your self-worth. And know that you are loved by many people in this world. Hugs to you and please know that things will be fine. You will get through this.

Condolences and congratulations. Let yourself feel everything. It helps.

Giant virtual hugs. 

And if you need vigilante justice, I’m in.

Oh PAI. You already know what I have to say on the matter. He is an <insert string of expletives that would get me banned here>. You have been SO good to him and his girls, and SO patient putting up with the BS he has brought around.

I've got hugs for you and a few swift kicks in the arse for him.

This is pretty far down in the comments, but I hope you take the time to go back to the top and reread everyone one of the comments above.  It’s all true.

You are an amazing woman.  This doesn’t have to be your life.  You deserve better!

Proud of you for removing yourself, writing about it, and being the true sweetheart that you are. I echo what so many others here have shared above about you, and know you are a generous, kind, loving person who gave your best effort for cheater-man & the girls. 

I am so sorry you're going through this! And angry that he treats you (or anyone!) that way. 

You will get through this, one step at a time. 

Well I'll be damned. What a pos! After all that you've done for this non-man, he CHEATS??! You've slept on a godd@mn air mattress, lived in someone else's house, helped pay off thousands in debt he and BM accumulated, organized his life, raised his daughters, supported him through school... And he does THIS? You're the kind of woman to ride the river with, mature, loving and true. You've rescued this idiot a thousand times, and he yet felt entitled to repay you by cheating, probably while you were caring for his d@mn kids! Screw him sideways with a cactus!!

You take care of yourself, PAI. Take your time deciding what your next step will be. I've got a truck, shovels, and tarps - just say the word.

What a d*ck! Has one of the best SMs on this site and blows it. Idiot!

I'm so sorry PA for everything you are going through. You do not deserve this, especially after your contributions to this family.

SO and I are on our way to splitsville too. Not step-related. It's hanging by a thread right now so if you ever want to talk, let me know. Big hugs!

I am so sorry about all this. I never liked your DH, I always had uneasy  feeling about him, I even stopped reading your posts because I just was too frustrated to read about this guy but I never thought he’d stoop that low. How painful. And sad. You deserve better. Make sure if you decide to stay with him you know your worth. Don’t sell yourself short. You are a true catch 

He threw away a diamond while collecting stones.  What an absolute fool!  I am so very sorry PA.  I truly hope you find peace in your heart.

I’m so sorry PA. There’s nothing I can say that hasn’t been said already, your H is a spineless coward & has never deserved you. You’re one of the kindest, most selfless and empathetic women out there, and you’ve given everything to him & his kids, only to be repaid with disrespect and infidelity. 

I’m so grateful you’re taking this time for you. You are worth so SO much more than this. You deserve to be cherished, valued, loved, adored, and RESPECTED above all else. Whether you stay or leave I’ll always be in your corner, stay strong girl and know that we’re all rooting for you. I can’t believe the nerve of that man, I’m both heartbroken & fuming for you. 

Wow. So, after all of this time that you've been sacrificing, taking care of the girls, dealing with his psycho ex, supporting his goals, helping him get out of debt, he cheats on you? And you should just be over it?

That, and everything else, is a lot to come back from. I know you want to be able to say you did all that you could to save the marriage, but don't let a few temporary changes sway you. Even if you go to counseling and think you can make it work, I would not move back for quite awhile.

He has a lot of motivation to "win" you back, so be careful. Without you there, he will more than likely start relying on his family again, so still will not be forced to step up and do things on his own. Can he afford the house without you?

I am so sorry this is happening.

When XH and I got married I told him I had only one rule: no cheating. Guess what, he cheated. I found out on my own since things were not adding up. I think the lingerie store coupons addressed to him for being such a good customer was the first solid proof (he hadn't gotten me anything there ever). And I found more proof.

I stood in the mirror and asked myself if I could be proud of the person I saw if I divorced or proud of the person I saw if I stuck it out. I told him to leave (he had somewhere else he could go, right?). More stuff was going on but he broke THE rule.

I am astonished by the strength of people who keep trying after infidelity. You are SO strong. I just saw your update. It takes strength to leave and it takes a lot of strength to be able to even keep the door open for reconciliation. 

Oh man, I finally check back in on StepTalk and this is what I see??  

Oh, PA, you so did not deserve any of this.  I have been where you are, and I could not survive the cheating, so I give you credit.

I wish you peace and good decision making.  I am here if you need me.

Wishing you much love, peace, and virtual hugs.

I can't add any more than what everyone else has said.  We are all here for you and you are strong and will get through this.

HUGS and Peace to you!

I don't know what to say other then offer you my support, my love and sending you virtual hugs!  We all love you here and know your worth.  I will stand by you regardless of your decision, you know this.  Reconciling or going your own way....neither is a wrong decision...it's YOUR decision and your life and your relationship.  I'm super glad you're taking some time for yourself to re-group and watch things from the sidelines rather then IN the mess you know? That can only be beneficial.

HUGS PA!  

it seems no good deed goes unpunished.  Sorry to hear all of this, PA.  You're much better off without him.  Especially having a "fixer" type personality.  We become mothers to an adult child (DuHs)

You are mighty, just know that you did your very best and if it doesnt work out you are NOT a failure, HE is the failure. Im so sorry - sending you hugs from California. I hope that wherever you are that you realize how awesome you are.

Defintely check out chumplady. Sounds like you need gray rock. But if you want to reconcile, know that we are here as support through this journey - no judgements.

PA, I'm so sorry to hear this.  Cheating is really hard to overcome.  You deserve better.  Do what is best for you!  

I support whatever you choose as well but I strongly feel he is unworthy of your love and companionship!