I am a first time SM in my relationship of 2,5 years. I have already explained my situation in a forum post... but there are 2exes and 3skids. I have no ex marriages or bio kids but would love to have. 

(Forum post if you are interested in the background story https://www.steptalk.org/forum/general-discussion/what-advice-would-you-...)

When I met my SO I had accepted his past... i had left everything behind to move to be with him. Closed by business and moved countries. It's a choice I made. 

When I arrived he always mentioned how he wanted to run away from where he is, from his exes, his kids, everything. Wishes there was some way to fake his death and start a new life with me somewhere else. And his parents said the same thing. 

I know he loves his kids, but in the beginning it was this constant dread for him to fetch his kids and deal with exes. Even told me he regrets making the decisions he did. Ie. Having kids. 

This is obviously not a good thing to say to your new girlfriend so slowly but surely my acceptance and view of the kids was tainted. I havent had any major issues with the kids myself (at the time they were 8,4and 3) 

Try to cut a long story short, 2,5years down the line, things have changed. He never really saw the kids the last 2 years, esp this year of 2019. But he was also bed ridden for 3 months from a spinal injury, then started a new job which he has been working constantly, day and night and many times weekends day and/or evenings to some times. So when he is free he is too tired to fetch them etc. And of course I have enjoyed my time without them. Because all we do is sit in the house, they take over the lounge area with all their toys and scream and play (like any  normal kid does) they did have a bedroom to play in at the time but never did. 

Anyway... now it's like he wants to rebuild the relationship with his kids, saying he misses them etc. Which is totally okay. I understand. But in some way it's as if this distance that has been created between him and his kids and family is all my fault. No one has said it directly to me, but I can feel it. His mom said to me the other day she thought it was me isolating him from his kids and family and I told her no, it's just life events from this year that have been difficult! She apologised for thinking that, but it still hurts. 

This weekend he went to his parents without me because his sister is buying a product t he sells and she needs to sign the contract. I didnt go with because I have an exam on monday morning and wanted to be home to do revising etc. He also decided to take all 3 kids for the first time in 4 months (the other one of 8years he saw 9 months ago because he lives far and things have just been tough) 

Our relationship feels like it has ended. I have cried and am heart sore about all of this. Friday I cried because I dont want his parents or anyone thinking it's all my fault he has distanced himself all because of me. I dont stop him or control him to phone or not phone his kids. His phone is stuck to his hand. Always facebook scrolling or playing games. 

I had bought little gift for the 2 little ones (who are now 5 and 6yrs) and gave it to him to give to them this weekend. 

I messaged him on his way there, took 2 hours to reply to me. Whereas before he would reply immediately no matter what. 

And again after he replied and I replied took another 2 hours to reply. Then tells me he was driving with an exclamation mark. Which he has never done to me before. 

At about 8pm he called me which I was surprised about as he has been pretty distant the entire day. I asked him if he misses me and he said I have been busy the whole day so havent had time to think about anything, but yes sure i have missed you. 

That hurt... it was an avoidance to my question. He didnt miss me. 

I asked if he gave the gifts to the kids he said yes. But he didnt send me a voice note with the kids saying thank you or anything like he normally would do. 

I asked if the kids asked about where I was. He said no. Just plain no. Nothing else after. That hurt. Normally the girl asks for me... 

He doesn't look hurt, he doesnt act hurt, he says he wants me and us but I dont see him fighting for this and making the necessary changes to make things work. It's as if he is confortable in his shitty situation of lack of finances, greedy BMs who put him down and whatever the list goes on... 

I'm hurt. I know I need to leave... it feels dead the relationship. I already feel like an ex this weekend. He treated me like he would treat them. Ignore messages and reply when he wants to... a part of me wants to work this out and the other part of me feels it's better to go. 

I feel like I'm the horrible person here... and I feel judged.... i was right about people thinking this is all my fault that he has distanced himself. His own mother admitted the family thought i isolated him. 

Yet in the beginning they were all wishing he could just fake his death and run away.... now no one is happy he has distanced himself. His parents are good people and have always made me feel welcome. But this year has been a year from hell in my life with SO and his exes and finances. 

My heart is broken over all this... I feel like an outsider. Yet I still cry for him... why! 

It feels to me as if  things were done to his comfort. So it was accommodating to him to not see the kids, and now he misses them... and he is the innocent one in all this and I'm the one to blame for his distance. 

Yes I have had issues with the kids. They are not perfect and neither am I. So yes there have been days where I say not this weekend, lets do next weekend and he happily does so.  (He has no routine as to when he fetches them due to work). But then next weekend comes and he is tired. 

I used to remind him to fetch and call kids. But I stopped. I noticed I was doing more of the work of helping him. And this year I completely stopped and now its ALL my fault by the looks of it. Easier just to lay blame on me because I'm the new woman in his life.... and he doesnt take responsibility on his part?! I can admit I dont feel like seeing them but have never had personal issues with the kids. Just the fact that I get kicked out my bed when they come here.... 

Of course him and his family have had a discussion about us this weekend as I am not there... so easier ro talk without me and I wonder what he has said about me and us to them... because he is not mr innocent either. Would be nice to know if he took some responsibility for his actions and maybe defended me too, that I'm not the reason he has distanced himself. 

Tells me he feels this relationship is another failure! To me it's not a failure, it's a growing experience. He needs to change his ways and learn to manage the situation with these kids and exes. And I need to also change my ways to learn to just be around them and try be more present with them too. I detached myself from everything because of issues with the exes, and I was suffering from the shit they cause. But his responses to the things I say are "only time will tell". No time does not tell anything, it's what you do with that time decides the outcome. If you want me, want this big family. Then do the work to make it work! But again he seems content to just sit back... it's his failure not mine... if he puts in effort to learn how to manage the situation and get his finances fixed we have a chance. But it's like he doesnt want to. He is not a fighter at all. I have come to see him as weak emotionally and mentally, indecisive, lefts exes talk down to him and demand and manipulate, disney dad habits of not disciplining when necessary. I'm no longer a priority... exes say jump and he does it! Like wtf. Makes me wonder why his last 2 relationships failed... is he really a "victim" of these women... 

I feel sick, nauseous and heart sore... one moment I'm numb and then it's like a sword through my heart. Why do I feel so confused even if I know the better road is to maybe leave... ?? 

Pls excuse me if I have repeated myself... just writing as it comes out... xxx