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Wow, that's a lot of insecurity

ITB2012's picture

Submitted by ITB2012 on Mon, 10/14/2019 - 3:56pm

Over the weekend DH and I had to do a lot of driving. So I brought up a lot of topics, things like memories of childhood and college. I also did that set of questions to draw two people closer because the questions are good conversation starters.

Even DH had to admit after answering the questions and talking about childhood stuff that he's highly insecure. And, boy, is he insecure. He's not accusing me of cheating or tracking me or controlling my spending or friends. He's just got a lot of stuff that makes him uncomfortable and based on how he reacted, there's something more he's not saying about his upbringing and how he is. We'd circle close and he'd move us away. It came up how worried and tense he just is all the time and he told me that when he was getting a shot at the clinic that they kept telling him to relax his arm and he said he kept trying and thought he was relaxed.

Here's the kicker: he admitted to being a Disney Dad. Not in those words but he admitted he was coddling the kids and should have held them to higher standards, and parented them.

I believe that DH would benefit from therapy if he could let his guard down about whatever it is that he's holding onto so tight.

Comments

susanm's picture

Submitted by susanm on Mon, 10/14/2019 - 5:11pm

Sometimes people just can't let go of or come to terms with things that happened in childhood.  It has nothing to do with their feelings about their partner.  It is all about how they feel about themselves.  People are very complicated to begin with and if you put childhood trauma on top of it things can go very strange inside your head.  Please try not to take it personally.  Maybe he can get therapy but not everyone responds well.  He may have made peace with not resolving the issues and that is his right regardless of what today's culture tells us.  But pushing him will not help.  Having someone insist that they MUST share  does exactly the opposite of fostering a feeling of security and love.

ITB2012's picture

Submitted by ITB2012 on Mon, 10/14/2019 - 6:13pm

I'm not taking it personally. Unfortunately it informs his response to almost everything.

Based on how uncomfortable he got, I don't think he's at peace with things. And I'm definitely not going to push it since he can lash out. I'm just surprised at how much he said and the depth and breadth of his insecurity/his need to avoid areas.  I was surprised he thanked me for pushing him to talk about things are uncomfortable.

SmelltheRoses's picture

Submitted by SmelltheRoses on Mon, 10/14/2019 - 8:40pm

Thank you for sharing! Never heard of the term Disney Dad, I'll look into reading more about that. I feel the same with DH and his childhood and now coddling my SD23 and grandchildren. He is also very needy.  I grew up very different from my DH. So I always wonder why does he parent the way he does.

ITB2012's picture

Submitted by ITB2012 on Mon, 10/14/2019 - 8:55pm

He admitted that his insecurities and guilt over getting divorced and "doing that to the kids" fueled his anxiety and his need to make it up to them. He did say it was the better thing for him and BM. It came up because both DS and OSS who are off at college made comments about liking to have only one place to go to and one place to sleep. It refueled his guilt. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 12:44am

Isn't driving a great conduit for communication? Especially at night. 

My DH comes from crazy. Multigenerational dysfunction, genetic predisposition to instability, mother was an alcoholic, distant father who favored DH's sisters, divorce, etc. The trauma has left scars on all the kids, manifesting differently in each, but they are all well versed in rugsweeping and presenting the facade that everything is fine just fine, TYVM. 

Is it surprising that so many of us seeking step help here have damaged partners? Damaged people from troubled families who've developed unhealthy coping mechanisms; people who still struggle with interpersonal relations and have the failed relationships to prove it, who've had kids of their own who are paying the price for their parent's shortcomings. Ugh what a mess.

We could all benefit from some therapy, and a long drive offers the opportunity to talk things out while partially focused on something else. Its intimate, yet you don't have to face the other person. The last time DH and I had a substantive convo about YSD was driving home from a wedding, full of nostalgia and wrapped in velvety darkness. You probably helped your H more than you know on that drive, OP. Hopefully he'll continue to open up with you, and you'll be able to persuade him to get into real therapy.