I am scared that my 12 yo SS is going to move in with us
This is my second time round as a step-mum. Despite my marriage ending in divorce, the blended family aspect of our marriage was fantastic, my 3 kids and my husbands son combined with our shared daughter worked - we were a family. I have been with my 'new' partner for nearly 6 years now and it's a totally different experience. My partner is the best partner I could wish for but he isn't a great Dad to his troubled son and his ex wife is a horrendously bad mother. Their 12 year old son is a product of their parenting; he is an outsider, he is immature, insecure and socially awkward. He is addicted to screens, which his dad is happy with him being wired up to. In the beginning I tried hard to be a positive adult in this child's life and me and my older children genuinely felt sorry for him. I have worked hard to provide a home for my children. My partner moved in a few years ago and the fact there wasn't a room for his son wasn't really discussed (probably because at the time the child's mother had stopped their contact for 9 months) my partners son now comes to stay every other weekend and asides from the fact I cannot connect with the child (mainly because he is so moany and immature), there is not a room for him here (it's my house, not our house, although my partner makes a very generous contribution to the living costs) so everytime his son comes we all play musical beds to accommodate him - this does not seem to bother him or my partner. We are 6 years down the line and there hasn't been an ounce of improvement in the child or in his relationship with his father and others. I find it so unpleasant to be around my partner and his son that I make excuses to avoid them and make social plans that coincide with his visits. I find I am not attracted to my partner when his son is around and that is a worry. We used to go on holidays together but due to his sons issues I now avoid this and encourage my partner and his son to plan something together to have QT. Now up until recently this just about worked. However, the child's mother has been diagnosed with breast cancer and is undergoing treatment. This has meant his visits have increased. My fear is that she will die and he will end up living with us. Despite their difficult relationship my partner does want to take responsibility for his son and he is desperate to provide him with a room at my/our house. He is prepared to finance an extension to achieve this. Up until the mum having cancer I was all for this but now the prospect of having his son live with us full time horrifies me and I feel we will definitely split up if that happens. Part of me wants to proceed with the moto 'what if it's all ok' but the other part of me wants to end it now, as it is not looking good for the mum and I can't bear the thought of having this child in my family. I feel myself withdrawing from my partner. The thought of not growing old with my partner really upsets me but the thought of living with a child I really don't like horrifies me more and also makes me feel so totally crap about myself for not being a kind enough person to like this child or to make the effort for my lovely partner. The turmoil is really affecting me and I feel really quite depressed by it all. I'd love to know your thoughts/experiences. Thank you
Agree with previous 2 posters
Agree with previous 2 posters. Your SO should find his own place for himself and his son. Continue to date if you want (if he has time...), but do not cohabit until his son launches (it likely will not be at 18).
This problem is not going away
Tell your to make other living arrangements. That you can't deal with SS.
Ma
There isn't a room so where does your SO think he would stay? Visits are one thing, or sleeping on the couch, but that alone prevents him from moving in. For now can you enroll him in some activities for the weekends he visits? Sounds like he needs social time. I would try that, and plan date night on the Friday or Sat. night to help your relationship. I would tactifully bring up the subject of her dying. That there's no room at your current home. Do the other kids get along with him? Or do they dread his visits? The BM could be fine and maybe it's not something you'd ever have to worry about. Do you know the stage she has? Your SO may be under a lot of pressure from the BM to keep taking him since she's sick. Worse case if she did die your SO can get a larger home for all of you if you don't want to break up.
What a horrible situation.
What a horrible situation.
I think you already know what will happen if he moves in full time.
A moderate problem will turn into a huge problem.
I would only consider a future if he steps up and starts parenting his son properly. If he isn’t committed to making positive changes then why should you have to deal with the consequences?
I can't bear the thought of
I can't bear the thought of having this child in my family. Up until the mum having cancer I was all for this but now the prospect of having his son live with us full time horrifies me and I feel we will definitely split up if that happens.
Does your H know how you truly feel about his son? If he doesn't know the depth of your feelings you need to have that serious conversation with him ASAP. I know this is not an easy conversation due to the sensitivity of the situation and because its his son but he needs to know that SS moving in can possibly mean the end of the marriage. Give him the opportunity to make changes or sort something out where you are no so heavily impacted by this.
If he doesn't take action you already know where he stands. I wish you well OP. I know this isn't easy but its not worth giving up your happiness for the rest of your life living like this.
I would set some rules and
I would set some rules and boundaries for when he comes over. It's YOUR house. Make sure these rules are respected otherwise, he can't come to your house anymore. Let him go to his grandparents or else, if something bothers you, you have to tell the father and you have to ask him to fix it ASAP. If he doesn't do anything about it, then maybe he doesn't care as much as you think.
Do NOT accept his offer to
Do NOT accept his offer to build an extension. Doing so could well open the door being considered a co-owner in the eyes of the law even if his name is not on the deed. See if you can't find a place nearby where he could live with his son so that you can still have your home and your privacy.