We were not married, thank goodness.  Part of me thinks that indeed his behavior is some sort of mental issue.  Two years ago this daughter got married.  The year before SO was very difficult to live with. Then when the wedding was over he seemed to be not as hostile or difficult. A friend recently told me her and her husband said to SO prior his daughters wedding that now she is getting married next will be a baby.  SO response to them was “OMG I still see her as a six year old and I am not ready to be a grandfather.”  My therapist said that thought is called projection.  He sees her as an extension of himself and infantises her because then in his mind he has control over her.  When she exercises independence by getting married or having a baby he cannot deal with it.  I know that’s pretty heavy stuff but it makes sense. 

You are so correct when you say they will not care for him but he will make excuses for their behavior as he does.  He had a significant fall last yr breaking his wrist.  I cared for him and took off work for his surgeries, etc.  We needed help to care for things SO usually did around the house. Not one of them came forward to help on their own accord.  We had a huge argument about that as he defended them saying they have lives of their own and busy.  

I cared for him in so many ways being a RN. Newly diagnosed as a diabetic and I helped him get his diabetes under control, plus his other medical conditions.  

I also was his greatest support with his band.  I was his roadie helping him set up and tear down his equipment.  The few times I wasn’t there he complained nothing was done correctly and efficiently as both he and I did it.  Well, he chose his daughters over me and he will have to suffer the consequences.  He will be stuck in his dysfunctional life while I will have moved forward being more healthy.  

Many things have come to light during this entire breakup. One of which you mentioned, the ex wife.  They have maintained a civil relationship since the divorce...even though SO recounted the fact she secretly foreclosed on their home many years ago. He found out when he tried to buy a home. Plus he still has guilt over leaving her 25 yrs ago and helped her financially for many, many years.  Apparently she is a train wreck when it comes to managing money.  SO told me she is a very giving person and would give $ away rather than pay her bills.  WTH?!! So he helped her via the guilt. She also was supported monitarily by her own parents who gave up their dream of a Las Vegas retirement home to help her all her life.  She works full time. Never dated or married since the divorce. 

SO would spend Xmas eve with her, her parents and his children saying her parents were always close with him over the years and he was committed to this. Big arguments over this. So he was emotionally attached to her because of guilt. 

I thought she was my support as she had defended me in the beginning of SO and I relationship. But...in the past year I think her daughters turned her against me with their psychotic and irrational thoughts about me. Like I was going to harm or poison their dad...smear campaign to get what they wanted...their dad all to themselves.  

I still don’t understand her and the daughters presence while I was moving other than perhaps it was SO trying to persuade them he was actively getting rid of me.  My therapist feels that he made it very difficult for me to move out by hiding tools from me so I could not take my furniture apart, hiding the dolly he bought for my flower business and locking me out of certain parts of the house.  She says that if a man wants someone gone they will not interfere or make it difficult to leave.  Furthermore, a man would not appear dejected, somber and depressed as I have seen and others have reported also.  He should have been happy and jumping for joy and in good spirits. 

I so hear you on everything! Thank you! 

When we first met SO laughed and said this daughters nickname was “greedstone”.  He went on to explain that if he gave his younger daughter in college at the time, $25 this daughter would have her hand out for money too even though she worked full time as with her husband.  Family saw her steal food and drinks from our annual summer picnic.  Did they tell SO...no...they told me.  They were afraid to say anything to him. But they go behind each other’s back and talk about each other. 

And it’s so true what you said about him feeding his family distorted versions of reality. He puts on a facade to stay in good graces with them. My therapist thinks he did not want me out of his life thus the reason for making it difficult for me to pack and move. Thus the crying when I hugged him a few times during my packing. He wouldn’t let go of my hugs. And this in private.  His anger and hostility were forms of how he was coping with me leaving. Again she feels instead of taking his anger out his daughter he was taking it out on me.  A form of anger displacement. Men don’t cry, they get angry. She also feels he wanted me to beg to stay.  Absolutely not! 

I think he and his family have mental issues. They backstab each other and act like they are a close family but are two faced.  I have thought about writing a private note to his therapist to let her know the real truth about him.  He needs professional help but unless the therapist is given the truth about himself he will never get well.  I guess it’s the nurse in me wanting to help. He does in an insidious way asked for help in the past because I have heard him say he doesn’t understand why his relationships fail. And he has said he maybe could have done things differently.  

I do know that I am a recovering codependent and  after years of therapy (still going) that I didn’t know any better why I thought and behaved in dysfunctional ways.  I think it may be the same for him.  I tried to encourage him to get help with  his dysfunctional coping skills. He was doing well prior to all of this. But that guilt he has is so destructive. 

You know many have said the same.  I am not so sure. I have no intentions of taking him back because he would have to be healed from all of his narcissistic injuries from childhood and that takes years of committed therapy. There would have to be riddence of his guilt towards his daughters and ex wife. She and her parents would have to bow out of the picture. He would also have to have healthier coping skills for his anger.  He wouldn’t be able to do any of this. I have too much respect for myself to ever go back. I am not a vindictive person but I think people like him need to suffer the consequences of their behavior for the rest of their life. This just wasn’t I made a bad choice and forgive and forget. He made a conscious choice to hurt me. He realizes he hurt me. He told me. His behavior and dejected affect tells on him.  He made me feel worthless so he could absolve his daughter of her selfishness. He turned my life upside down and inflicted a financial strain on me.  

I am curious if he will feel guilt for the rest of his life for doing this to me as he has felt the guilt from divorce 25 yrs ago.  I sure hope he suffers loneliness and more.  May Karma take over his life. And if not, I know that I can sleep peacefully at night knowing that I left with the better outcome.