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Hands are tied & I'm frustrated...

bethann08's picture

Submitted by bethann08 on Mon, 02/13/2012 - 7:17am

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Parenting Issues

My dh & I are just recently married, but have been together for two years now. My fil & mil have been huge stressors in our relationship, ESP when it comes to my ss & sd, their bio grand kids whom they helped raise before i moved in. Fil seems to feel he is their father & has the right to take parent time from dh. I have had to Stay out of most everything when it comes to them & the step children because they don't feel I have the right or authority to disapline/help parent my sd & ss. The step kids are now 6 & 4 and I met them when they were 2 & 4. BM has made an appearance about 8-9 times in the past 2yrs & has given her blessings for myself to be called mom if step kids chose, has been supportive of myself being a stay at home with the kids & kids are very loving & accepting of myself as a major influence & parent in their lives...
Mil & fil unfortunately are not as supportive & tend to behave more like a jaded ex rather than Inlaws or grandparents... So dh & I have been trying to deal with this now for over a year, since I moved in & became a stay at home mom to our three kids, my bs ( 7yrs)' ss (6yrs)' & sd (4yrs). I tend to have to say to dh "if these were my bio kids..." & he is very supportive of my parenting, as his job & his parents have not always aloud him to be an active parent & I have been encouraging him to take back his role of their father & encourage him to become a more influential person in his children's lives, his parents however are not happy that my dh has chosen to try to become a "better/more involved" parent, as this takes their complete control of them away.
Fil has given ss when 5yrs old, two hand saws, an old lawnmower & tools to tinker with, a tractor, a bb gun... I'm not ok with this as I feel these & other things are not appropriate for children so young. I've recently found out that fil took sd age 4yrs, out to shoot bb guns... I'm not thrilled, "if this were my daughter... I would ask him to reframe from putting a gun inher hands until her father & I deem it an appropriate time." but, because the inlaws do not view me as a valid parent to my step kids, who im the main care taker of in the past year & a half, I am unable to say anything about this. I haven't had a chance to discuss with dh as he is at work & now his grandfather, fil's dad, has passed away this week, so don't feel it's an appropriate time to bring up issues I am having with him... But jeez I love these kids too & am frustrated not to be able to voice concerns I have... To their grandparents, when if I voiced it to BM, she'd most likely support my thoughts, but she really has no influence, & dh tends to write her off due to circumstance of the past & her lack of participation in her kids lives. I'm frustrated & tired of getting the shaft from the inlaws, I care about & love these kids too & just want good for them.

Agged and Fragged's picture

Submitted by Agged and Fragged on Mon, 02/13/2012 - 9:00am

There is only one solution, your DH needs to sit down and take a hard line with his parents, period. Luckily it sounds like he's cognizant of the situation. He needs to tell his folks that you are his wife and you are in the children's lives permanently, that you love the kids but the kids need to respect you, so your wishes as a parent need to be respected. In marrying DH you have chosen to participate in parenting his children, and his parents undermining your wishes and authority will only result in damaging the family and the children. These children are now part of your family and need to be raised in the manner you and DH wish, not the way their grandparents want.

I totally agree with you, 4 and 5 are WAY too young for BB guns and sharp edged tools! That's just ridiculous!

I speak from experience when I tell that if your in-laws disrespect your parental choices, no good comes of it. The children get conflicting messages. It's nearly as bad as having a spouse who doesn't agree with you on how to parent.

Good luck, this is not an easy situation to rectify and you and DH both need to be tough. Sometimes getting your message across requires putting the grandparents in a "time out" where they have only limited access to the grandchildren until they get their act together and realize the final decisions on how the kids are raised is up to the parents, not them.

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