Need to vent ... Adult Step kids ...
Life will be going along just great! Step-kids basically ignore us 99% of the time. We never hear from them unless they want something. They even ignore DH. While he seems a little sad about it sometimes, for the most part his mood is so much better when they are not around. I can pick up on it instantly whenever they make contact with him. Even just a text. His mood and entire outlook change and all of the sudden he becomes short with me for no reason. I don’t even have to be told, I know that they have contacted him just by how he acts. My step-kids are train wrecks and BM is crazy! When they are out of our lives we are so happy. Our life is pleasant without issues. I truly think my husband would also be happier had he not had kids at all and certainly not with BM or he would definitely been happier if I had been their mother. I think he also feels guilty as many on here DH’s do because he had no control over how they turned out as no matter how hard he tried BM had different ideas about parenting. He tries to call them they never return his calls only when they want something. I know he sees it and he is always saying to me he is done doing for them. Then all of the sudden they call and he changes. He also changes toward me, which is the part that I really care about. It is so hard to have life going along just fine and then they come back. They are so selfish, it is never about DH. Even at his bday last month. SD doesn't even bring a card and but brought her Christmas list to give us. I will see how that goes because we were just giving a little money in a card. I am nice to everyone when they are around. Even though they do not treat me well. I don't understand why DH changes toward me and acts annoyed with me?? It is almost like he blames me for them being around or something. I would rather they never came around. They are both train wrecks and self pity parties that everyone is supposed to bring a gift to. They are always poor me and everyone is supposed to cater to them. They blame all of their issues on DH and me because that is what BM has told them. We are wrong if we don't cater to their every whim. It took years for DH to get this. I tried to explain sure we all love our kids but you have teach them responsibility and you can't give them everything they want. They will become adults and not be able to care for themselves. We are here and way past that now. They are in their later 20's and can not care for themselves. He is with me on my board until they are back around. Then that is when he seems to get annoyed with me. I just don't understand why he seems annoyed at me when they are around. He seems to just wait for me to make a mistake with something and he gets short with me........
Sorry tried to fix
Sorry tired to fix it won't do my paragraphs
I know the feelings.
I can identify with your DH. My adult sons only contact me now for money. My daughter is at college but rarely calls. Ironically one of my SD’s has been texting me and she is the one who responds most to my texts. She has similar hobbies to me and who knows?
Its funny how life changes. My own parents in their late eighties, have essentially divorced as my mother moved cross country to live with my sibling who had a baby late in life unmarried and my mother is essentially her slave. It’s quite something. Of course my parents never got along but now my father is very depressed finding he actually misses my mother who lashes out at him to basically justify her bad behavior.
I guess I’m finding it’s not just step relationships that are problematic. It’s hard not to let it get to you!
very hard you're right..
I don't get that at all! but it sure seems to be a scenario many parents fall into.
I understand his feelings about his kids I just don't understand catering to them. I would not do that with my son. I tell him what is what when it was necessary but he is an adult now, I don't have to tell him anything. If he asks advice sure I give it or if I see something that I think he may not know I offer an opinion but he is not a 30 year old teenager.
My Philosophy has always been if you get to a certain age and you don't "get it" you never will!!!! I say that age is 30. It is not to say you won't make mistakes sure you will but if you don't get what reasonability and life and relationships are in my opinion you never will!!
Sandy, you obviously know
Sandy, you obviously know your DH and I do not, but... I wonder if he takes it out on you because you listen to him vent and are "handy". He can't/won't take it out (justifiably) on the skids because he doesn't want to alienate them. That leaves you because you're available and understanding.
Can you sit down with him and talk about it? "DH, I've noticed that when you have contact with the skids and it seeingly stresses you, that you take it out on ME. I understand that you're upset about something, but we need to find a way for you to express your upset/frustrations about the skids in another way." SOMETHING so you're not wrongfully on the receiving end. Sorry, sweetie. {{{hugs}}}
Thank you so much !!! You bring up a very good point..
Thank you for the support it is truly appreciated. It can be a pretty lonely place being a SM.
You bring up a very good point!!! I think that he definitely knows that there is a problem with them. I also agree with you that he knows he can only say so much to them as in many ways they are already alienated as they never return his calls unless they want something and they certainly don't want to hear the truth about life at all.
It is kind of an unspoken thing with us. I don't really ever say to much about his kids because for the most part they are not around and second he seems to already know the problem. When they are around we end up here. I think I am so upset this time because he hadn't fallen into it in a while with them and seemed to see where they caused their own problems. Then when he feels sorry for them it puts me over the edge. No need to feel sorry for they have caused their own problems.
I would love to say just what you have written. We will have to be with them again at the holidays and I dread it. I dread any time they are around.
Don't let him scapegoat you.
Don't let him scapegoat you. You are not to blame for his baby mama choice. That's on him. Put a firm boundary up when he starts blaming you and walk away. He is projecting his guilt onto you instead of dealing with it. A spouse can only take so much. I think most people on here who have lasted into the adult skid years reach this point. After all the years of abuse, then to have freedom from it, makes it difficult when it all flares up around the holidays. You can't save him from this and should never try to. He needs to own this 100%.
This season might be a bit different if you do decided to not participate in his pity party but it might be a change to make future holidays better for yourself.
Thank you ! Interesting thing ....
When I first read your comment I was thinking no that is not it but then I read it again and yes it is partially true.
He doesn't yell at me or blame me in actual words, however, his mood change and shortness when we are preparing the food or setting the table is exactly what you have described. With him it is more of a mood change and shortness to something dumb like finding the one little thing I forgot to put on the table like the salt. The more I have thought about it it is almost like when the kids are around it annoys him that I do what is right and the kids do everything wrong.... Example show up late, don't bring a gift .... and so on.
Thank you for helping me to see that!!!
I agree with Aniki. If you
I agree with Aniki. If you haven't already you need to communicate to your H what you observe every time he has contact with his kids. You also need to let him know that you don't appreciate being mistreated after their visits and he needs to address and work on those emotions. He takes it out on you and his anger being misplaced is not going to work for your marriage.
Let him know what you see, how you feel and your expectations on how you hope he deals with this because its impacting you. He gets upset fine but he needs to take that bullshit attitude and direct it where it belongs because you have nothing to do with their poor behavior.
Thank you !!
Thank you you make great points!!
It sounds to me as though your DH
hates the fact that he keeps putting up with their s&*t even after you and he have discussed it, agreed things are nicer when they are not around etc. Could be that he gets mad at himself and then projects that onto you as the safe and sane one (similar to what Aniki said). I think it's time for a chat about the fact that when he gets like that (and realise it may not be anything to do with you), but it does have ramifications for you.
My DH was doing a similar thing and I had to tell him that how he was feeling about the skids had nothing to do with me, yet he was letting it affect me. He actually hadn't realised he was doing it. Apologised and tries to do better, although as with most of us, it's a practice until you perfect it kind of thing.
I agree and I think he has guilt
I think he has guilt about htem which he tried for years when they were growing up to make it different but BM made it so hard. She stil does!
I also agree he does get mad at himself.
My ex would sometimes try to
My ex would sometimes try to use me as a scapegoat. He would get in really bad moods when people would ask him for money, especially his youngest daughter. Probably because he knew all along she has been using being in college as a way to get money out of (she won't show financial aid paperwork, grades, or anything). I left him. That's his problem adult kid to deal with not mine. Maybe your DH is using you as a scapegoat.. I definitely wouldn't tolerate that.
Thank you!!
I appreciate the support!!
I feel ya!
Do you find that he gets defensive for them if you agree with him? My DH will complain about them but if I agree then he shifts into defending mode, even though he started the whole conversation! It's like I'm the one that started complaining about his kids and I'm the cold, selfish stepmom!
I have been here too
I have been there too! It doesn't seem like there is any way for me to be right. Most of the time I just don't say anything and just let him say what he wants and when he is done change the subject. That works as far as no fight but it builds inside me and I am probably getting an ulcer!
The facts work on SO's as
The facts work on SO's as well as they do on the toxic opposition.
Point out the facts as direct quotes of what he just said to you. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Make it crystal clear that HE is the one who started the conversation, quote him directly right back in his face, and tell him if he ever flips the script on you again that he is gone. When he does it, immediately call the lock smith to rekey the locks and inform him that his access to your home is directly related to his direct behaviors and is a minute by minute thing.
The facts work. Use them.
Thank you everyone....
I have been working a few doubles and hadn't had time to check in. I appreciate all the responses!! Thank God I was so busy at work that I didn't have time to think too much but just enough to get my blood boiling again!!! So sick to death of always being wrong!He would stick up for them no matter what. He doesn't seem to get that just because they are his kids doesn't mean they can't ever be wrong.
Yeah, as the others said -
Yeah, as the others said - tell him that you understand he's upset about the skids but not to take it out on you. He's the one choosing to perpetuate this pattern of allowing them to use him. And it's probably not guilt that drives it, but FEAR - that he will lose them if he stops giving in to their demands. And he will - but what he has now is not a real relationship anyway.
He needs to find the strength to stop being their ATM machine. He will feel sad about losing them, but better in the end, because he will have his self-respect.
Tog you are so right
You totally get it!! He had stopped doing it. It has been almost a year. He still tried calling them but he didn't give them any money and if he tried a few times and they didn't answer he would go on for weeks without calling them. That is when I noticed our life was peaceful without them. He seemed happier and he while he seemed sad sometimes for the most part he seemed happier.
It is hard to explain he really doesn't "take it out on me" or yell at me UNLESS of course I do anything except listen or if I decide to give an opinion. When they are around, his mood just changes and he doesn't treat me the same or seem happy. He lets them and whatever their deal is upset him to the point that I get distant or upset.
I think you are right on the money with the fear idea. I think that is a lot more the case. And as I am typing here in thinking of your fear idea, that sort of of explains the shortness and annoyance with me. I am the one who has suggested through the years that he not give to and into them all the time. So he may blame me for the outcome. Still wrong all the way around but maybe the answer to it.
Yeah, my DH tends towards
Yeah, my DH tends towards getting quiet and snappy when he's upset. I've just learned to keep my distance and let him sort it out. If he snaps at me, I call him on it, but otherwise, I let him brood. It's annoying, but it doesn't last long.
My SS19 was alienated for 3 years and still is not fully present in their relationship. DH doesn't try to buy his love because he was aware of that possibility and made sure he didn't fall into that (BM's sisters do that with their father, and it used to disgust him). But SS can still let him down in other ways - cancels on him last minute, doesn't respond to texts for days, doesn't text on holidays, etc. DH can get broody over that stuff too.
I just let him decide how to handle it unless he asks my advice.
My DH is slightly different with this part
"And as I am typing here in thinking of your fear idea, that sort of of explains the shortness and annoyance with me. I am the one who has suggested through the years that he not give to and into them all the time. So he may blame me for the outcome."
My DH acts similar, not to a bad extent, but I know he is grumpy. However, I don't think that it is that he is blaming me for the outcome, but I think he gets grumpy because after years of defending their actions, he has figured out I've been right on the money all along *biggrin*
For the last year
I have tried to just listen. But the bigger than problem or when it envolves our life and finances it is hard to look the other way.
Great advice!! I see you totally get this situation!!
Yes, if it involved our money
Yes, if it involved our money, I'd take a different approach.
I am in a very similar
I am in a very similar situation to you so you have my total empathy on this. I'm reading the responses and support and it's encouraging to feel not so alone in this. Hoping things improve for you x
thanks Rosie'smum!!
It is nice to have people who understand!! Most comments are supportive. I have also gained insite to my situation by reading some other posts. I never thought of the fear insite that Tog described, it makes a lot of sense!!
Thank you for the empathy and support!! Right back to you!!!
It's a tuff situation
I never knew how hard it could be to be a SM! Thank God for this site!! I finally got the reason why SD was in contact. I started a new topic. She wants a car ..
Funny that.....my SS is the
Funny that.....my SS is the same!!
I don't understand why DH
Because he's a jerk with boundary issues. He doesn't understand that he's the one to blame for choosing BM, for raising or choosing not to raise his kids the way he did. I'm reading that it's all the kids fault and all BM's fault, but DH is the one at the center of all of this. Where is his responsibility? All of a sudden he's offloading his drama on you. Your man is emotionally immature and it has nothing to do with you, his ex or children. Maybe the kids ignore him 99% of the time because he's so childish.
Not exactly .... Not sure how you would come to that conclusion
It has everything to do with his kids and his ex. When they are not around we have a peaceful life. We rarely ever fight. Only over the kids.
I think Tog was right on the money about the Fear issue.
He does tell the kids what is right and he tried to teach them reasonability. BM had different ideas. He doesn't give them money anymore and does not cater to them as he did which is why I was upset with how he acted. They ignore him because BM is more fun and their friend and tells them what they want to hear. He tells them the truth and they don't want to hear it. BM is crazy, Bipolar.
BM and the kids manipulated him through his entire life until I came along. He choose BM when he was 15 and then she got pregnant. You are right he is at the center but the center of their game of master manipulation.
I am not sure how anyone could read this and find my DH to be the entire problem. It would never be BM or the 30 year old teenagers....
I can see your one of those never blame BM or the kids people so I am not even sure why I am responding to you.
You're allowing your husband
You're excusing your husbands verbal and emotional abuse towards you, then blaming HIS behavior on his ex and kids. Denial much?
ok first I never said........
First I never said there was verbal or emotional abuse. I do not consider this to emotional abuse.
I described how the kids and the ex act in this and other posts and if you think that is ok behavior than you are entitled to your opinion but I don't see how leaving negative comments is helpful but there seems to be a handful of you on here that do.
If you think it is ok for the ex to harass us after 18 years of my husband and I being together. And you think that it is ok for BM to ruin SD's credit and the kids to treat my husband with disrespect and expect to be supported adults, keep right on clicking to the next topic your opinion is not needed.
then she got pregnant.
Let me fix this for you, "then he got her pregnant." Women don't get pregnant on their own.
Shouldnt it be "they got
Shouldnt it be "they got pregnant" then? Because she did play a part in it also.
Ha ha, yes. I always laugh
Ha ha, yes. I always laugh when someone says, "She got pregnant" in an accusatory way. Like she did it all on her own with no help. The point of my comments is that DH needs to take responsibility for his part in his family drama, including the part where he procreated with his ex not once but multiple times.
He does take responsibility ..
They have always all ganged up on his line of thinking where he thought the children should have some kind of discipline and responsibility. Which I might add explains why we are here at their ages. Because BM's way of raising children didn't work!
It seems you just want to argue and make accusatory comments yourself instead of offering any real advice on the topic!
Because BM's way of raising
Where was DH when the kids were being raised? If he chose not to raise his kids then he sure as hell can't complain about what kind of adults they grew into. My real advice on the topic is for your DH to do what he's telling his kids to do, be responsible for his actions/non actions that contributed to this situation. But it sounds like you are happy to blame them as well and take take DH's abuse when he gets frustrated with the mess he created.
I was just like you the first few years of my marriage until I made DH own his baggage. I refused to take his abuse, scapegoating, or left him dump on me about his frustrations with his adult kids. All of it is his fault, he contributed to enabling and infantilizing his grown son, and he needed to deal with it, not me. You'll learn if/when you're ready. I wish you the best.
He was there raising his kids and she underminded him
By letting them do whatever they wanted no matter what he said.
Again a debate that I am not interested in explaining or having with you. Your opnions just like a few others on here are not to help out or to offer real advice they are to be rude and insensitive and they are not needed.
You do not have any understanding of what I am saying and you scour the posts looking for something to pounce on. Like I said keep on scrolling I am not interested in your rude nasty opinions!!!!!!
No Let me fix it for you!!!...
When a woman is on the pill and in her twenties she knows how not to get pregnant. If she decides to stop taking the pill I would say it is ALL ON HER!!!!! She wanted a baby and to trap him. It happens all the time!!!
Your DH must be a slower
Your DH must be a slower learner since he impregnated her multiple times. There are things called condoms. Both parties should be responsible for birth control, not just the woman.
ok you are totally misunderstanding
Ok you are totally misunderstanding what I said And hell bent on starting an argument ..
I am not going to debate the issue of birth control with you. In passing I said they would not have gotten married unless she was pregnant.
They were married they had a second child. She cheated on him and left him.
This is my life right now
Your situation is my situation. When my husband's 23-year-old stepdaughter is not around he is in such a better mood. Like you as soon as he makes contact (text or phone) with her and she makes him upset about something he takes it out on my and my 16-year-old son. Even my son has brought this to his attention. We know that she is a trigger for him. First, it was her mom now that she is an adult it is her. I have brought this to his attention and called out his behaviour..it just took me over 10 years to have the confidence to do so. I advised him that I can't deal with his personality shifts when she is visiting or when he talks to her. He does not want to lose me. He is so disappointed in the direction her life is heading. The trigger for his is talking to her about anything life related that has to do with her future. What he does now when she visits is he does not ask her anything in detail and keeps their conversation at a high level. He said this is the only way he can remain calm. We only see her for a few hours every other week and sometimes longer so it works because of this. Until she was the age of 19 we saw her 4 times a week and she would sleepover. Those were bad times.
I've actually heard a lot of
I've actually heard a lot of parents admit they wish they hadnt had kids, even if they love them. I dont think it's super uncommon actually. I would guess theres probably a lot of cognitive dissonance going on there and it would be hard to reconcile the bond/love you had with them as a baby with the negative feelings and regret towards them. And even moreso if they grew up to be crap people on top of it.
Still, everyone else is right that it has nothing to do with you and he needs to learn how to deal with it in a better way.