believe me when i say this as a mum myself, its progress if she even manages to start a load of laundry.

i had my 2nd child when my daughter was 16 months old, my hands were full that year.

all i can suggest is that she needs to have elder skids help with chores. Expecting home to be spick and span spotless isn’t reasonable with that many young kids

were all these behavioural issues not present when you were dating your partner? 

My first year being a mum of 2, hubby helped out hanging laundry or doing a load, he took care of kitty litter and emptied the trash

A newborn??  And three fairly young kids?  I don't blame her if she's not doing the housework- I am still barely surviving every day and my children are 1 and 2.  Please, don't hold this against her, it's hard enough to try and function with one newborn much less a whole blended family.  Let it happen in its own time.  My dishes may sit in the sink for a couple more days then they should, and I might dress my family with clothes out of the dryer for a week, but everybody is OK, and the world isn't ending. 

I am not saying she may not have been this way before, BUT, I do know many moms will probably agree with me that it's not a bad thing if you are picking up a few more of the household chores while Mom recovers a bit from a newborn.

And if your partner has barely ever worked and is on benefits, and you knew this going into the relationship and after choosing to have a child together (I'm assuming it was planned), then I don't think that's fair to throw it into the discussion.  If that isn't something you approve of, or something you don't really like, then you should have thought about that before this relationship blossomed into what it is. 

I think it's great that you have such a strong relationship with your step daughters, especially if their bio Dad is out of the picture.  It's easy to step in and fill the role of a parent as well when the biological one is absent, too- so kudos to you for loving them as your own. 

In regards to your step son- this isn't something only you are experiencing.  In fact, there are several step parents on here that have similar problems- whether it's behavioral, not really loving/liking their step kids, having disciplinarian issues with bio versus step parents and an unruly child, wanting to leave but don't know how (I'll raise my hand on this one!), or just finding blended life isn't what they thought it'd be. 

Just from what you are saying, I can't really tell you why your step son may be acting this way, but it's nice to read that you are trying to make him feel loved as well.  There could be several underlying problems - I may have missed this in your post, but I'm assuming the daughters and the son have the same father?  Could there be any issue because bio Dad isn't around?  Is the tension in the house feeding his behavior?  I don't think the daughter should be telling him that she hates him- that isn't helping anything, even if her feelings may be warranted.  Similarly, Mom seems to be emitting a lot of stress/tension towards him, that he may be feeding on as well.

Have you guys thought about counseling?  I know it sounds cliche, but he may trust opening up to someone outside of the family dynamic.  Also, is he faithfully taking his medication for sure?  Sometimes that can cause some disruption in a childs behavior. 

As far as your partner, I am against people who say the kids come first, the partner comes second.  UNLESS its in a situation where a child is in imminent danger/abuse, etc. etc.  But, my partner has said the same thing to me in the past, and I should have ran then before having children together - I was naive and ignorant about step life then. 

Anyway, no one should be put before another in a positive, supportive, loving family.  Everyone has a role to play and everyone needs to feel just as important as the other.  When your bio daughter grows up and happens to be in a relationship where her husband says that she is second, how would you feel about that?  I am sure you wish the world for her, and for an amazing partner who would love her firstly and unconditionally. 

So, where I am going with this, is if you are truly unhappy, it's not fair to the rest of the family for you to go around being unhappy.  You may say you don't show it, but believe me, it will always seep out in some capacity.  Sit down with your partner and speak up- lay it on the table and hash out your feelings about everything.  I am sure she isn't in a very good position either as a mom to four (including a newborn), dealing with stressful behavioral issues, and a partner who says she comes second and (I'll go out on a limb here and assume) complains about picking up more housework.  If you don't complain- then good!  Don't! 

I understand not wanting to "visit" your daughter or be on a part time custody schedule with her, but unfortunately life deals us cards that sometimes, well, suck.  It sounds like if you can make this work, it would be for the best.  I don't think being in your late twenties is an excuse for anything, especially if you are a father now and claim to love two other children as your own.  You have a lot of responsibility now- as a partner, father, and step father.  See if you guys can work this out!  (Counseling may not be a bad option for you two either). 

man. Bless you for that.

The SS seems to be the presenting problem and the issue that all undesirable outcomes center around. You mentioned family. Is there a possibility another family member can take him?

Your wife seems somewhat complacent, and perhaps even lazy. If she knows you'll do it all, why should SHE, after all? I would pull back a bit on all that you do, unless it is for the kids, especially your baby.

If you leave, you will feel lonely and resentful. Your entire life will change all because your wife cannot and will not discipline her first born mess.

Have you tried an ultimatum? Telling her she either needs to parent effectively with boundaries (Dr. Henry Cloud has many excellent books and work books on this topic and they will most likelyprove effective if used in conjunction and with consistency with your wife).

If I loved my spouse and the 3 kids, I would really find ways to make it work.

You deserve so much more than you're getting in return. 

You mentioned "when he had a dog", what happened to the dog? Just curious.

I am sorry what you are going through and I hope you can come up with a solution.

First of all I agree with other posters that most of the problems seem to arise from stepson behavior and your partner not addressing (to what you expect) his behavioral problems. Good thing he is on waitlist for counseling and this kid may need a lot of counseling and treatment and I hope he gets it he is only a kid and has a life ahead of him so couselling may be extremely beneficial at this point.

Second I think your main problem with your partner is going to be much more difficult to solve. I think that you being upset at having to pick up house chores and extra things are things that are getting you upset more becuase some resentment has build up towards her for not disciplining her son (to your expectations). You sound like a person who usually gives a lot and I find it strange that you complain about picking up some stuff around the house specially when there is a newborn around.

I would talk directly to your partner, come up with reasonable expectations of behavior from your stepson and what to do when he fails those expectations. If you cannot agree to the expected behavior and the consecuences when he missbehaves then you should really seek help as a couple. You say you love your stepdaughter as your own, I think part of your resentment towards your wife comes from the fact that she parents them with different standards that her son so just imagine how much more resentful you will be when she parents your biodaughter with different standards.

Keep all options open, living apart (but not divorce/separate) if affordable can be an option. Boarding school for stepson (if all the family is less stressed when he is not around) may also be an option if affordable. It all depends if you and your wife can agree that there is a problem, that part of the problem is that you are not seeing eye to eye with respect to stepson, and if you both agree to trying to change things to a mutually agreed situation.