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At my end

loulabelle's picture

I have been with my fiance for 8 years - and it has been a difficult 8 years.  His ex wife has tried on a regular basis, to create something, lie about something - whatever - make things difficult - to just make things suck.  She's told him repeatedly he needed to dump me.  Eventually she started using her daughter as her tool, claiming I was bullying her but could never give an example (unless you call painting the kids room how she wants it, or buying her every dang personal item, and clothes, and books you thought she woudl like bullying). 

Daughter doesn't have to lift a finger in our house, she has been given this entitlement that she is too good to do anything.  I walk on egg shells around her, less I am a monster.  If i ask that she do dishes, her father goes over to do them with her or for her.  I watch her tell him to f**k off, shut up, I hate you, walks away when he's talking to him, hangs up on him, left the house in her car the one time, says my family is horrible, my son is an asshole and should die, stealing, etc, does all kinds of things with absolutely NO consequesnces.  None.  I am NOT exaggerating.  This has been going on for years.  But its getting worse.  Now that she is driving I have suggested taking driving privleges away if she does these things, or speeds, etc.  Nope. 

Everything with her is ignored, but not with the other boys in the house.  

Her mother harasses me to no end.  She veered her car at me once and I keep being told my fiance oh theres nothing I can do.  I filed a police report for harassment and he got pissed at me!   Her and her daughter both do things and know there are no consequences and keep doing things  because they can. 

Over a year ago, I saw on a NHS application, she/her mother had filled in volunteer information that was false.  Yes, I do know it was false.  I brought it to her father and he agreed with me.  We both knew it.  I asked him to talk to her about it and fix it.  He did not.  There are other things going on that I cannot go into detail about, but it woudl explain more into the situation - but I decided something needed to be done, so I reported it to the school that the volunteer information was incorrect.  I heard nothing back.  This past year, she in passing said her mother was filling out the information again on this years application for her.  With a multitude of BS going on, I passed on an email to the advisor annonymously to pay attention to volunteer information.  Well - that email got sent to her mom and all hell broke lose.  Now I am a bigger monster than before.  Fiance is pissed that I went over his head even though he wasn't parenting his kid in any aspect and she needs to know that she can't cheat her way ahead in life.  There are kids that bust therir asses for NHS.  I know this isn't the end of the world, but you have to teach your kids this kind of thing isn't ok.  But he was essentially telling her cheating was fine.  I am NOT ok with that.  But he keeps telling me it wasn't my place.  None of her anything is my place.  I have no business in her life. 

I don't feel it was wrong to report it.  I don't.  I feel I coudl have not done it annonymously and just owned up to it myself.  Maybe even confronted her about it instead but that is not the culture/relationship we have because thats what he has made it.  I cannot bring anything up to her. 

I can't say it ruined his/my relationship because it was so highly strained befre this happened and I can say 100% its because of his ex wife and her BS.  He refused boundares.  I can't blame her either I guess.  He refused boundaries.  He refused to parent.  He refused to stand up to her or allow her to continue the behavior without defending me.  But he wants me to go to counseling with him/his daughter for them to basically yell at me about why I reported daughter cheater when I had no proof and I am not allowed to discuss any of her/his past behavioirs that contributed to any of this. 

He is so back and forth you'd think he was bipolar.  Wants me to stay but is chewing me out the next day giving me the silent treatment.  He gets so many texts from daughter/ex wife clearly they are not happy he's still with me.  So they must be giving him a ton of grief. 

I'm exhausted, but can't leave...


Aniki's picture

Why can't you leave this crappy situation?

Do you have a job? If not, get one asap.

Do you have family who will help? Call them. 

Are you being held prisoner? You need to call the police.

Merry's picture

Right, why can't you leave? You're with a man that won't parent, and his daughter and her mother are out of control to the point of threatening vehicular homicide.

That's no way to live, and certainly you've lived it for too darnn long already.

What is it you need to get away from this mess?

Step-girlfriend's picture

How are you even tolerating this situation? I would absolutely not be able to stand it. I would have lost my sh*t on everyone longgggg ago. Your fiancé is a terrible parent. He doesn't parent at all. And he expects you to live with a heathen as a result. No one would be happy in this, and he obviously isn't willing to change. Life is too short to be this miserable. 

I too would be interested to hear what prohibits you from leaving this sh*t show. Where there's a will there's a way.

ndc's picture

I would not have gotten involved in the NHS thing - e-mailing a counselor seems like a big overstep, and at least in my area NHS is fairly meaningless anyway, but there's no way I could live with this situation.  The fiance who doesn't parent is bad enough, but having to deal with the harassing BM would be a deal breaker for me.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Why are you continuing to subject your children to this situation? Does your son know that SD wishes him dead? Does she steal from your children? If you can't get out for yourself, please consider doing it for your children.

Kes's picture

I don't understand why you can't leave?  there is absolutely not one single redeeming feature in the description you have given of how awful your life is.  Surely anything is better than this?  Are you staying for financial reasons?  If so, you are making a mistake, because somewhere down the line your awful relationship will end anyway.  Best to do it on your own terms. 

DaniSanti83's picture

I only agree with one things of the parents which was writing in. I wouldn't want my daughter's step mother to do that because it isn't her place.

BUT everything else, GIRL I agree with you. All my skids are grown with kids of their own now BUT that is your house, your rules, your boundaries!!!! Period I have learned that trial and error over the years. If your finance can't show support for you in front of his offspring you have a MAJOR problem and consider it a deal breaker if HE can't change his ways otherwise it will just get worse as they get older. If you and finance show solid unity it helps wonders!! Sounds like the root of all the current problems is with him and that is good because you can correct his neglectful behavior or find someone new without all the baggage.

shamds's picture

Shenanigans. Anytime hubby tries to suggest a meet up with skids or mini holiday with them for his family events like weddings etc i simply say since nothing about skid situation has changed and they feel they have done no wrong, my feelings on the situation have not changed. I will not participate 

hubby is aware if he were dumb enough to rock up with skids and no me, he can bullshit all he wants but his sisters have been informed by me why i will not attend. Hubby is afraid of having his 4 sisters hound him over skids level of disrespect to everyone including hubby and especially me and he had some nerve leaving me at home and choosing to prioritize bringing 3 uncivilized and disrespectful skids instead of his wife and 2 kids with her that his family would rather enjoy soending time with.

i’m lucky my in laws actually side with me on this because everyone is fed up of skid excuses. Being a cod is such a cop out for bad parenting and shitty manners

Steppedonnomore's picture

"I'm exhausted, but can't leave..."

You can and you should.  It may not be easy and you may not be able to leave immediately but you can take the first steps to get out.  And, for the love of all that is good, do NOT marry this abusive fiance.