boundaries and SD20
Frankly, I find it so hard to set boundaries with SD20. One reason is that I have mostly been disengaged the last year. But probably not in the right way or how you other steps are doing it. I basically realized that all. I mean, all of our arguments involve SD20. She brings endless drama, and also DH has real guilt issues. He is so afraid that she will leave us and move to mom if he upsets her. But she gets upset for nothing. She is very easily offended, actually if others get attention, that also counts as a trigger for her. So I stopped putting her name in my mouth and ignored all her bad behavior and focused on me, my work, my daughter and my and DH relationship, and our relationship is really great that way, but it is hard in the long run since she lives mostly at our house.
However, one of my biggest issues is that she is very intrusive on me, tries to compete with me all the time, copies me, and is a chronic boundary violator. She will steal or take whatever she wants, and unfortunately, it is mostly my (and some of DD13) things that she desires, so DH guy stuff is left alone. And she lies all the time about everything, so she will stand there in her room with stash from my purse saying she did not take it, I don´t know why it is there.
Once again, some new school supply I bought for DD13, that she needs tomorrow was taken today. I have been thinking a lot about the comments I got about taking a firmer approach with DH, and I told him to address this and tell her that taking other people's stuff is not ok. After all, nobody takes her stuff. She lives here for free and chore-free, not stealing from me, and DD would not be too much to demand (seriously...!)
He got angry first, and said a few uncalled for words, but then he said ok, we would take them back and I will talk with her. But, in the middle of his roller-coaster reaction, he said, but she might have asked me if she could have them, I don´t know, I don´t remember. My answer was, well, DH, then you are the problem here, not her! Should I start giving your fishing stuff away? He then did not want to talk about it more, simply stated we guys don´t remember everything like you women.
Of course, now I am wondering did he say that to cover up for her?, or because he has a hard time to see what kind of a person his DD is?, or am I married to such a nincompoop that keeps on giving all of my and DD13 stuff away, if princess only asks for it. And seriously, the things she took from DD13 is neither something that should be interesting for a girl her age, nor something she would use for anything. Gosh, I wish I could have the full story on video, so I did not have to wonder what kind of a man I married. If he is giving the stuff away, he better hope I do not catch him red-handed, hell has no fury as a stepmom who is robbed by her husband to give her stepdaughter all she wants!
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Since your DH refuses to do
Since your DH refuses to do anything, it sounds like it's time for you and your DD need to lock up your things.
Evil Aniki wants to hide something of your DH's for everything SD has STOLEN from you and your DD. .
I love Evil Aniki.. LOL. Yes,
I love Evil Aniki.. LOL. Yes, I think locking up things has become necessary.
Ugh, this is my DH with the skids
Look at my posts. I can say something as simple as "looks like YSS is forgetting to rinse his dishes again" when DH is rinsing a plate and DH will respond "I didn't see who left it here"---when it's only the three of us in the house and he knows I left the table and rinsed mine, and he had his in hand when he encountered the dirty one sitting out.
It's all avoidance. God forbid he have to "be mean" (tm) ---also called "parenting." God forbid a skid be made to feel uncomfortable.
My skids have stolen things, left things out, broken things, broken the rules, etc. If I mention it to DH or attempt to take care of it myself, I'm blocked by DH. Sometimes literally. He has (unconsciously) physically moved a little to shield a skid. And I wasn't freaking out or trying to make physical contact or anything of the sort. I was talking in a parental tone.
If he can make it a fight with you, then see, you're the one with the problem and he doesn't have to address behavior issues with his child.
Oh wow, sounds precisely like
Oh wow, sounds precisely like something DH would do. It is not very attractive, is it?
Also, what bothers me is that the SS or SD has so much power over your home environment. They can do stupid shit like that just to manipulate so that they get a lot of attention (negative and positive), and perhaps as a bonus, there will be an argument and negative emotions between DH and stepmom.
I just can't shake the memory of what a drunk ex-husband of BM sister once told me. He said that you should really watch out BM and SD are trying to get rid of you, and it is so disgusting they are always talking about how to break you guys up or how to cause problems in your relationship. He says that it is like plotting, and talking negatively about me is the only thing that holds their mother-daughter relationship together. He told me he wanted to tell me, since he really thinks my DH is a nice guy, but he is in over his head with that dysfunctional BM family. I guess he could also be playing me, but it makes a lot of sense looking back at the secret phonecalls and how BM has always acted like she wanted DH back. At the time, it hurt me so badly, her behavior and covert hatred. I had given her so much, so has my family, and I used to love her deeply. But I guess it is part of her upbringing to hate me, and frankly, as an adult, her personality problems are showing in all her relationships, just as BM. And we really never had a chance to make her any different as long as BM is just a phonecall away, which gives me at least a sense of peace, I really did give it my best.
But, again, as others here have told me, it is a DH problem, he is the only one that can put a stop to the behavior and how he responds to it.
20 years old and living for FREE?
Why? Is she working full time and school? Is she full time school?
WHAT exactly is she doing to earn anything.
Secondly - web cams. And really, you need to have a discussion with this Skid-ult about her taking your stuff. That is extremely a big no go zone for me. Even disengaged, you need to be direct with her. Take your DH out of the loop completely. Of course record the conversations so she cannot lie about what you said.
ugh.
My SD20 thankfully doesnt live with us, because I can forsee that it would be similar. She lives with her BM (Karma!!!) trashes their apartment on the regular, has stolen checks and cashed them causing financial hardship. Again, Karma. Is rude and disrespectful. I dont have to deal with this.
Honestly, that is a good
Honestly, that is a good question; what is she doing during the day? Because, as I have described, she lies about everything, even stupid small everyday stuff, that should be pointless to lie about. Of course, I have to be careful to call everything a lie, because there are some true things mixed into her stories. She is going to highschool trying to finish for the second time. She attends school two days a week and works whenever she feels like it. She says that she works all the time, but in reality, she is in our house often and frequently at the mall. She does also have a history of getting a lot of money from her grandparents, who cannot say no to her(BMs mother and stepdad), which could explain her spending, and sometimes she probably has taken shifts at her work. The other day, she told us as she entered our house with a huge mall bag, that she had been working late at school, and that she has to finish her midterm final, because the grade for last semester is fixed at the end of January. So many, fishy things about this (like everything else), first the mall shopping bag, secondly I have a friend that has a daughter at the same school and the final was in November, thus if she has a delivery date this month, she has had to have special circumstances like illness, to get a postponement, but she was not ill in november.
By chance I once meet this woman BM went to high school with, she knew I was with DH and had heard that BM had a child with him just after high school. She had no contact with BM since, but said something like Gosh. I hope BM is doing well, I always felt so sorry for her, she was always lying about everything and acted strange, I was worried that she would not adjust and be able to function well as a grown-up". Well, at least she is good looking. I guess that is why DH fell for her. But she was also very abusive towards DH in the short time they were a couple. He was so stupid, though, not using protection when he was with her and trusting her taking the pill.
Why is he so afraid she'll go
Why is he so afraid she'll go to BM's? She's 20.
Right?!
I’d jump for joy if SDrama who is also 20 moved back with Skankula. Let them both collect sit around and collect welfare and live their lives out in misery with each other...like mother, like daughter!
Sign me up for that solution!
Sign me up for that solution!
I doubt that would happen though. Because I think BM and SD do not enjoy each other's company alone over time. They need a person to target and talk bad out. It is sad, really.
Well, that's a good question!
Well, that's a good question!
Please tell me you sent DH out to replace the item immediately.
He gave them back to DD and
He gave them back to DD and offered to replace other items.
It use to drive me nuts when
It use to drive me nuts when skid (18 at the time) use to take my things without even asking, even expensive body lotion and had it on his night stand probably using it as lube.
Ask many request to both DH and skid I would hide and lock up my stuff. And if skid didn't pick up his crap from the living room or any of the common areas it was gone never to appear again.
I could never live with skid again.
OMG! that is nasty.
OMG! that is nasty.
So WTF gives him the right to
So WTF gives him the right to give away OTHER PEOPLE's belongings?! Please ask him that for me, would you?
He said he was not thinking
He said he was not thinking straight and that it was a stupid thing to say (!)
Again, from me, tell him that
Again, from me, tell him that he is a truly pathetic waste of space - if he's going to tell lies, let them be, at least, vaguely believable. Maybe suggest counselling for him so he can start to think straight all by himself?
Bless your heart because I
Bless your heart because I wouldn't be able to live in my own home with a Kleptomaniac and my H simply looks the other way. No way in h@ll you should live like this. Your H burying his head in the sand and not addressing his 20 year old daughter out of fear. She has your H by the balls and what a turn off that he just does whatever at her whim. You are the Queen of your home and to have his daughter run your house is unacceptable.
You say everything else is great but this right here is a huge problem. She'll still be living with you at 40 years old, running your home and everything in between. Are you ok with living this way?
Thanks Siemprematahari, it is
Thanks Siemprematahari, it is really not ok.
It is funny that you say queen, because that is acctually what SD calls herself and has her whole room full of the queen coffee mugs and other simelar assesories etc. So yes, she is probally not leaving before she is 40. Or if she leave to be with a guy, she will try to move back in shortly.
I think I need to make a plan on how set down boundaries and stand up for myself.
The stealing, lying, and
The stealing, lying, and snooping would be dealbreakers for me. Either she goes or you go.
Also at her age she should be working at least 30 hours per week. I worked that much in HS at 16 and 17 and still graduated with honors.
The ungrateful s****
The ungrateful s****
So today, DH told SD20 that we had bought tickets for an expensive holiday one month in an exotic location during summer. And what did she say, "ok" Then he went on and told her the dates, and she was like yeah, I know!
I guess I should really not be surprised.
Gosh, is it so hard to say thank you!