Teens
My oldest stepchild is 16 almost 17 and yesterday he decided to not come back for his curfew and hang out with his friends instead well my husband just says whatever.. (hubby & ex-wife are not on the same page at all she is fine with my hubby being run over) but our daughter together gets into trouble he takes action. And if I say anything about LV and how my husband needs to discipline me I know I have overstepped I am on egg shells here.. 7yrs and I finally put my foot down that he either treats the kids the same or we are done! They need to coparent and tell me where I stand because I am tired of walking on eggshells here!! I care about my stepchildren a lot I am just so fed up with being afraid to say anything because my advice is never taken and I am looked at like I am stupid... am I always gonna feel like this??
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Your DH is afraid to parent
Your DH is afraid to parent his son with BM the way he parents his daughter with you because he fears BM undermining his relationship with their son, which is a real fear. Now, that doesn't mean he shouldn't parent him, but it does explain why he treats them differently. He gets defensive about it because he knows he's wrong to do that, but he's afraid of facing his fear. They probably will never co-parent, and he may never get over his fear of parenting his son in a way that might cause the kid to go over to BM's and refuse to come back to his house (which is very likely if BM is more permissive).
So that leaves you do decide what you have control over and what you don't. You can't control him, and he can't control BM, you can only control yourself and your actions/reactions. You don't say how old your child is, but if she is much younger than her stepbrother, she may not be affected much by the difference in your DH's parenting of the two kids.
Fear
He is definitely afraid to parent! He will plead with them to do as he asks but our child (9) she notices she asks why he loves them more... it breaks my heart because they probably wonder the same thing about her and if he can't treat them the same I can't handle the look they each have on their face... I mean what roles do you guys have as a stepparent because I have 0 I have to walk on eggshells his 14 yr old cries if she doesn't get her way... they now no longer have to see my family at all because well they just don't want to and I have to be ok with it... my family treats them like they do my child and they don't want to see them and their BM set her foot down saying they aren't to come up when we have the kids period and we are not to ask the kids if they want to go for a visit or anything I am feel like the least important person and the most hated but I don't mean to sound like I hate these kids because that is far from it! They are great siblings to our 9yr old but my thoughts opinions and feelings are worthless to them
I am not a parent at all to
I am not a parent at all to my stepson (almost 20), but we have a positive relationship. My DH is a strong parent and didn't need (or want) my help in parenting. Your DH is allowing his kids to mistreat you and he's allowing BM to call all the shots because he's afraid.
I think your daughter is old enough for you to explain that it's not that he doesn't love her, that it's different with the other two because they have a different mom. That you and DH agree on how to parent her, but DH and her siblings' mom don't, so that's why he treats them differently. Ideally DH would have that conversation with her, but he probably won't.
Personally, I'd have a hard time respecting DH if he was such a pansy that he allowed BM to decide who came to visit you when the kids are there.
DH needs to set his foot down
DH needs to grow a spine. He is letting his ex dictate his relationship with his in-laws. He is letting his ex control him, you, and his child with you. He needs to put his foot down and cease kowtowing to his ex.