SD wants to move in with us
This is my first time posting or in fact using any forum so I'm in hope of some advice and support regarding our current circumstances.
My husband and I have been married for two years and together for six years in March. He has three daughters from his first marriage and two of them (17 yr old & 10 year old) stay with us every other weekend and Wednesday night. We also have a 4 yr old girl.
They are generally good girls and on the whole I've had a good relationship with both of them dispite vitriolic hatred from their mum about me over the years. However the now 17 year old started playing up last year and after a huge family fight which ended up in her dad having to intervene, I decided it would be best to disengage for a while. To be honest, I don't think this has helped much and now after another row with her mum she wants to move in with us. She barely speaks to me and the thoughtful, kind girl that I once knew has disappeared as quick as my mascara when she comes to stay. I'm sick of walking on eggshells in my own home and my husband running around doing everything for her, without a second thought.
I feel as if I'm between a rock and a hard place - screwed if I do and screwed if I dont. I want to protect our marriage as much as possible and if she moves in I think it will come under incredible strain (we're already arguing about it) but my husband can't get his head around having to refuse her from living with us. I know he will resent me for putting my foot down on this but I honestly don't see this working out.
She is living with us at the moment until she sorts things out with her mum, but there has been no discussion about how long shes staying and she's avoiding talking to her mum as much as possible, so the end is nowhere in sight. My husband thinks her mum is causing her emotional distress and because she is conscientious, he doesn't want this having an impact on her education. I feel like the big bad f**kin wolf for suggesting she works things out with her mum. If she moves in she will more than likely be with us until after she finishes University and if things don't work out and she returns home before then it will be even worse as it is now which will put further pressure on the relationship with her dad and also our marriage as my husband will feel guilty.
Has anyone else been in this position and a stepdaughter moved in? How did it work out? I think as she's only been with us on a part-time basis in the past, she thinks it will be a holiday camp. She left for school this morning and slammed the front door without as much as a goodbye to me or her stepsister so her level of contempt and disrespect seems to be increasing.
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IMO, your wishes and well
IMO, your wishes and well-being in your own house should come first. The fact that he's giddy with glee about it and not concerned about her lousy attitude says that he doesn't plan to be her parent whatsoever. He's just happy to have "won" over BM.
Take a hard stance and let him know your marriage is on the line.
Is this girl his daughter or
Is this girl his daughter or his step-daughter.
Sorry to say this, but you are going to have to be the bad guy here and draw a hard line in the sand. Your husband can't just decide who lives in your marital home without consulting you...just like you couldn't move your brother in without consulting him. That's not how a partnership works.
Tell him exactly how you feel. Your comfort and well-being in your own home MATTER. Your SD has another home to go to. You don't. It's unfair to make you walk on eggshells in YOUR home in order to cater to and enable this nearly-grown daughter.
If your DH doesn't understand this...I highly recommend packing your things and DDs things and going to a hotel or friends house. Tell him you'll return when your house is your own again. Make HIM choose.
Also...how much work do you do for this rude girl? Cooking? Cleaning? A lot of times dads really want their kids all the time...until they have to do all the work. Let him see what it's like without you.
Sorry, this is his daughter
Sorry, this is his daughter and my stepdaughter. My head is away with all the sh**ty drama that I can't think straight.
My husband is of the opinion that this is necessary respite from her mum for her and she will 'eventually' go home. Personally, I think what about my bloody respite, but he thunks I'm being 'selfish' thinking about just me. BUT, its not just me, it's our bio daughter and my stepdaughters sister that's still with her mum. What happens if she then says, I want to live with dad as well?! *cue packing bags and running for hills*
When I disengaged last year I stopped running around after her, but instead of her picking up the slack, my husband does. Typical Dad guilt. He says, he doesn't want her living with us either but blows up at the thought of having to tell her.
I'm with you, I'd make her
I'm with you, I'd make her work things out with her mother. That's part of the way that you learn life skills. How is she going to survive in the big, bad outside world if she runs away when the going gets tough? And since when does a child need respite from one of her parents?
Maybe you can come to a
Maybe you can come to a compromise. I get that you can't live with all that stress but at the same time you did take on some responsibility for her when you married her father, and your DH certainly has a responsibility towards her.
If she 's having difficulties with her mum, maybe you can suggest that she still bases herself at her mum's but maybe she spends 1 or 2 nights a week extra with your family. You could present it as making sure that she can maintain a relationship with her mum - which is important.
It also allows your DH an out - he's not refusing to live with her (which would be hard for any parent), he's letting her stay with you guys but making sure that she works things out with her mum.
I know it's not ideal, but maybe it's a way to break the zero sum game of SD/DH win or you win.
Incorrect. Stepparents do not
Incorrect. Stepparents do not take on responsibility for their skids when they marry their spouses. They are not marrying the children (gross), they are marrying their spouse. The legal contract is between the married parties, solely.
SP’s have no legal rights to their skids, the responsibility remains with the biological parents. It’s often expected that SP’s will step up and ‘love the kids like their own’, all the while not crossing boundaries with the BP’s yet often having their boundaries crossed by those same BP’s, but that doesn’t make it a SP’s responsibility.
Anything I do for my skids I do because I choose to do it, either for them or my DH. I don’t do anything because I ‘have’ to. They have BP’s for that. OP is being disrespected by her DH, she didn’t ‘sign up for that’.
you did take on some responsibility for her when you married her father
Nope.
Maybe responsibility is the
Maybe responsibility is the wrong word. But she became a part of your family.
My family is now my husband's family. His parents (annoying as they can be) are now part of my family and I have a certain responsibility towards them. Not like a legal responsibility or anywhere near as much a responsibility as my husband, but a certain reaponsibility nonetheless. The responsibility that you as a family are in this thing together, you and your OH made vows to spend a lifetime together and you have to find a way to make it work. Otherwise your OH, and any children you share with your OH are going to suffer.
That doesn't mean being a push over. It doesn't mean letting people bully you or staying in unbearable situations. It means taking time out when you need it and putting yourself first when you need it. It means being assertive and setting boundaries. But that doesn't mean that you have zero responsibility to the other members of your family unit. Until you have no other choice.
I would love to walk away from my SDs, but they will always be my daughter's sisters. They will always have that bond, that love and that influence over her. My job as my daughter's mother is to protect her and fight to my last breath to do so. Part of protecting her is to make sure that her sisters don't pull her down with them. And to me the best way to do this is to ensure that they grow up as mentally healthy and unscarred as possible. In that way I do have a responsibility towards them, for the sake of my daughter. The last month or so of not seeing them has been a blessed relief though and has brought a lot of things into focus. But I can't leave my daughter to have sisters where their only influence is their evil mother and her family.
That's just my point of view.
She should not be allowed to
She should not be allowed to move in just because she's not currently getting along with her mom.
You should not feel uncomfortable in your own home, nor should everybody be disrespected by this girl.
Instead of giving her a place to run to (and catering to her), your husband needs to teach her about handling disagreements with people and dealing with these kinds of situations. One can't always just run away when things aren't perfect.
Your husband needs to put a stop to the disrespect, whether she continues to live there, or not.
If only I had had a place to run to, every time I was mad at my parents!
Exactly. Plus, she's probably
Exactly. Plus, she's probably fighting with BM because she's rude to her, too!
"I want to protect our
"I want to protect our marriage as much as possible and if she moves in I think it will come under incredible strain (we're already arguing about it) ..."
What do you mean "if she moves in" sounds like she already has. It already has caused a strain in your relationship.
I agree with the other posters you need to put your foot down, it's your house too.
Your DH needs to decide
Your DH needs to decide whether he wants to protect his precious poopsie from the ‘big bad BM’, or stay married to you. Happily married anyways. He doesn’t get to just move in his daughter because she’s fighting with her mother & allow her to be a total b*tch to you.
Even if she wasn’t being completely miserable, he doesn’t get to call the shots like that. Your well-being matters. Period.
Why isn’t this kid speaking to her mother anyways? Short of criminal behaviour, she shouldn’t get to just not speak to her mother at 17 years of age. What kind of message is he teaching her? That abusive silence is acceptable? If they aren’t getting on because SD’s being a miserable brat at her mothers house, then allowing her to escape her mother & continue her disrespect at your house is absolutely horrible parenting. Essentially he’s being a crap father AND husband.
Totally agree. She has a case
Totally agree. She has a case of 'the world revolves around me' and has questioned her mums parenting, values and chore assignment with a view to selling the 'I'm being bullied by mum' story to dad. Don't get me wrong, her BM can be extremely demanding and controlling but what mum wouldn't be if her 17 year was taking the moral judgemental high ground. She is a straight A student so not in bother or excessive partying but it's her entitlement attitude thats her biggest downfall and I don't want that behaviour in my home.
I don't agree with the
I don't agree with the dynamic where a kid gets to change houses because they aren't getting along with one of their parents. Ideally, the child should be expected to respect where they live and that parent. Unless your DH is concerned there is abuse etc.. he should not allow his daughter to avoid the consequences of her actions by running to his place. It's not good for HER.. and not fair to her mother.
I mean.. a day to cool down might be ok.. but if her mother had a legit reason for having it out with her.. why should dad step in?
He says, he doesn't want her
He says, he doesn't want her living with us either but blows up at the thought of having to tell her.
So pathetic.
It's not as if he would say, "I don't want you here," but it's not his place to give her respite from her mom because she is mad at her (it would be different if there were actual abuse or neglect). It's not fair to everybody else involved and it's not a good thing to teach her (or the other kids).
Being a parent means that sometimes you have to do things that you don't want to do. Being a spouse means that you have to take your partner into consideration. He is not doing what is best for his daughter OR his spouse.
I know - some of these men
I know - some of these men are just ridiculous. Here, give him this script:
"I know you are having a hard time getting along with your mother right now - but life will be full of these kinds of conflicts and it's important that you learn how to manage them. Your mom has the right to have rules that she thinks are important in her house, and as long as you live there, you have to follow them. So you will be returning to her house tomorrow (or whenever)."
This would be an ideal script
This would be an ideal script had he remained impartial bout his ex-wifes parenting but he stokes the fire by agreeing that the BMs punishments and behaviours are self-serving, therefore undermining.
I feel like telling the lot of them to f**k away off and resolve their differences out of my space!
Yeah, see, that's the problem
Yeah, see, that's the problem - once the parents are divided that way, the kids can manipulate with ease. My SS used to that to his benefit as well (though mostly by complaining to BM, who was the permissive one, about DH, who was the strict one).
If things are that bad at BM
If things are that bad at BM's house, then DH should not in good conscience leave his other child with her. If things aren't that bad, then DH is sending the absolute wrong message to SD17. Kids don't get to go back and forth depending on which parent is easiest to live with (i.e., which one doesn't have rules, which one is more permissive, less demanding, etc.). And if she's having trouble with her mom, I'd sure hate to be the stepmom who has to live with her. Good luck, OP, you're going to need it!
I agree with the people who
I agree with the people who say it's not healthy to let the kids run from one parent's house to the other just because they had an argument. It gives the kids way too much power and they aren't equipped to handle it. Unless there is abuse or neglect, the parenting plan should be upheld. Or revised, if it's not what is best.
My kids have 50/50 between myself and their dad. There have been a few instances where one or the other called me and said their dad was doing something awful. I did actually go over there, and after checking out the situation, no abuse was going on. It was just normal parent/child issues. I hugged them, told them i would see them when their time with their dad was up, and left. It only happened once with each kid and now they have learned to get along at their dad's. My SO does the opposite. If his kids so much as say they are bored at their mom's he will feel the need to "rescue" them. Same goes for fights with mom. It causes extreme chaos at his house and the kids are dealing with emotional and behavior problems. i can't prove it's a cause but it can't be good for anyone.
Boomerang Child
Feral Forger SD20, when she was 15-18, was a boomerang child. She would be miserable and bratty, and her room woujld be a disgusting pigsty (really - Im not exxagerating!) She and then SO would argue bitterly with her screaming and he would threaten to "bag her stuff" and shed just take her bags to moms, to "stay". We are/were 50/50.
DH would then clean her room and bag her stuff and we would enjoy the little vacay. Then, inevitably, Feral Forger would have a HUGE fight with BM, Toxic Troll (because they are the same), and she would bag her stuff and come stay with us. 2 weeks after her 18th bday, Toxic Troll choked and slapped and body slammed her, and she moved back with us. DH did not want her to live with us permanently...even after 18.
She got a job, moved somewhere else and did not discuss moving her stuff out. Her room stayed closed and disgusting for 8 months. She was full no contact. DH and I and Munchkin SDthen11 cleaned out her room. No discussion. She of course came back to live with her mother and they of course have been arguing and fighting bitterly (her mother again slapped and body slammed her as well as had her committed to mental ward...)
Feral Forger wanted to be boomeranging again and asked to move in with us. She had not changed one iota, was still stuck in that teenager mode, and she asked him to "choose me over your stupid wife for once..." He politely declined.
So - after reading the responses I think you have a good arsenal with which to work.
1. You know that SD should not boomerang between homes
2. SD is not acting respectfully to those living in the household, it will get worse if unchecked NOW.
3. She needs to learn to resolve issues instead of running away from them.
4. Your DH is not parenting effectively. He will need ideas how to resolve this. Try to make it seem like hes not rejecting SD, only that he is doing whats in her BEST interest in the long run, as well as the households best interest.
Good luck! Let us know how it goes.
The thing is what are sd and
The thing is what are sd and bm fighting about?? Does sd not like bm rules? Because if that the case I would be sending sd back to face the music. Because the only reason she with you is because she thinks she can walk all over you with her bad attitude. Where is hasnt worked with her bm.
17 year olds do develop bad attitudes I got one myself. If everyone doesnt sick together. They will walk all over you. Make your life hell.
So I would be saying no. She needs to work things out with her mother. Instead of hiding at your house. Hoping she can get her own way.