Full Custody? Kill me.

So now we have full custody. I am so annoyed. Me and SD (7) have a good relationship. She is excited about her future sibling and that makes me happy (I've come a long way). But I never wanted this. Now I hate BM. I pray she gets her life together so we can go back to joint.

My grocery bill is too high. FH doesn't pay for groceries -- I do. And it's getting annoying having to feed the extra mouth that's not my responsibility. Having to cook for an extra mouth is getting annoying. It's getting better and I'm only venting right now because I'm annoyed. But I really wish We didn't have full custody.

The other day FH asked me if I could do her hair (his daughter is African-American with thick hair that requires weekly maintenance braids). I can braid but it takes a long time and I just don't want to use my time doing that. So he took her to a shop and got it done there. But I know it will come again. If we have a daughter, I look forward to spending time and doing her hair. Does that mean I have to do SD's also? Because I already refused and I can tell he's hurt by it.

Just a rant.

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I hope BM is paying child

I hope BM is paying child support at least?!

Yes, she's getting put on

Yes, she's getting put on child support. It's not much though because of FH's earnings compared to hers. No more than $100 per month.

Is there something preventing

Is there something preventing your husband from learning how to braid his daughter's hair? Let HIM take the time to learn how to do it and then to do it (that's a LOT of time). I would suggest that to him - seems like a useful skill if you have a daughter whose hair needs braiding.

And it will be me who will

And it will be me who will have to teach him of course

I told him last night his daughter needs to learn to be more independent and he should stop babying her. He said "I know but that's a mom's job, I'm her dad." Ummm sir, you have full custody now and I'm definitely not playing mother.

Actually, if he has full

Actually, if he has full custody he has to do the dad jobs AND the mom jobs. That's something that is important for him to know right from the start.

Sadly this is a known risk

Sadly this is a known risk when you're with someone who has a child already. No you don't have to do anything but you do have to consider how things will be. Treat the child as if she's not your's and she'll respond in kind. Treat her like she is and you'll still get backlash becuase "you're not my mother."

Only you can decide what boundries you set but remember that people will react to them and there's nothing you can do about that persay.

Good luck.

It's a lot to get use to

It's a lot to get use to especially if you are expecting. Why doesn't FH pay for groceries? How are the bills split? Obviously FH should be covering at least 2/3 of everything and more after the baby arrives.

I was always paying half. He

I was always paying half. He agreed to pay full cost of daycare for our future child. I expect that because he pays full daycare for SD. I will suggest he pay 2/3 of EVERYTHING before resentment takes over.

Yea. I came to ask this...

Boundaries

I think it's a good time for you to set boundaries and let him know you expect him to parent his child. Don't let him guilt you into stupid ass gender stereotypes bc only him and BM made that child. He should have procreated with a better woman.

Do as much or as little as you want. I did sd hair when she was little but he pays a stylist now to avoid issues with BM. I have to talk myself out of doing extra things to avoid issues with BM due to her jealousy and insecurity. My hubby has stepped up beautifully! SD started with Dutch braids and has progressed into more complicated styles and box braids as she has gotten older. My hubby knows what kind of fake hair to buy and everything, don't coddle your husband. He can continue to pay and upkeep her hair. I'm going to do my bios hair and I wish someone would say something to me.

As for the groceries don't buy more than what you did before and make him pick up extra if he gets an attitude. Let me know that what your purchased is your budget and if he wants it to include more he needs to pitch in.

Oh boy, can I relate to your

Oh boy, can I relate to your situation. When DH got full custody, I still had my twin 16 year old boys and the custody switch added DH's three kids (all under the age of 14) to the house. We both worked full time, we had mostly joint bank accounts (I had my child support in a separate account for specific things for my kids) and we pretty much split everything.

I decided early on that HE would parent his kids. I look at it this way - let's say you weren't in the picture and he received custody - what would he do then? Whatever that is, that's what he should do now.

He is more than capable of learning how to braid hair, right? It's also time for a new division of labor/finances now that your household situation has changed, right? You can do as much, or as little, as you want for him, the house and your SD.

You can do it

I'm interested to know what

I'm interested to know what yo financial split looked like before versus what it looked like after the three move in. I have to admit I feel like a bit of a jerk telling him now I expect to pay some higher living expenses (although it does make sense to me and I can't believe I didn't think of it before) because he is having some cash issues right now. Cash issues are his fault though. But I can't help but feel I'm setting him up for failure.

DH and I pooled pretty much

DH and I pooled pretty much pooled our income from the start, except for a portion of the child support I received (I got a lot of CS as my XH, Asshat, makes a sh*t ton of money). DH makes more than I do.

I am old school when it comes to money/marriage, though, and you need to do what works for you.

All I can say is that I hope

All I can say is that I hope you can remember that this is a 7 yr old little girl.

She is a person who just had her life turned upside down. While I think that your DH needs to be the one to step up to do her hair and take her places, if you do something for your future child, I hope you do the same for her. She didn't do anything other than be born to parents that didn't work out.

Funny. We had that

Funny. We had that conversation last night. No, I will not do for his daughter everything I will do for mine. I will enjoy doing my child's hair. Doing hers is more of a chore and I don't want to do it. It's a little more complicated because I will not braid my child's hair for eternity (SD's hair is braided 100% of the time and I have no desire to do that with my daughter's hair all the time). If I take my child on a family vacation back home (I'm originally British) to go see my family, or to my father island (he is from Fiji) to learn some heritage, I think that is a time for my child and not her. If my child does well on an exam, I will treat her. That's not my job with my SD. SD has two parents; I'm not one of them. So regardless of her not choosing this life, I think there are boundaries and clear differences that I'm not willing to ignore just to create some false illusion. FH gets it. He says he has no expectations.

I honestly feel very badly

I honestly feel very badly for your SD then. She isn't some horrible teenager who has been poisoned against you for years. You just don't like that she exists. That is very sad for her. I hope you husband can still make her feel important and like she is loved.

She's actually quite sweet.

She's actually quite sweet. And he does a great job at making her feel loved. As he should - he is her dad after all.

there were a LOT of things

there were a LOT of things that I didn't want to do when it came to my skids, but I did them anyway, because the skids are important to my husband....sometimes you just gotta suck it up. I can't believe you are so willing to set up such disparate treatment in kids who live in the same house FULL TIME.

I think you are setting yourself up for a failed marriage. Remember, BOTH kids will belong to your husband, and I can't imagine the separate treatment (read totally hands off for one kid and doing everything for the other) will sit well, with him or with his child.

I suck up a lot for the sake

I suck up a lot for the sake of FH's peace. I make her breakfast every morning (we are not breakfast people - I cook only for her). I cook her dinner every night. I pick her up from daycare/school 2-3 times a week. She stays with me when FH needs to go run errands. I teach her how to cook. I have the difficult conversations with her that her dad thinks she knows nothing about: "why is the female puppy bleeding? Why do babies hurt when they come out." I spent 2 hours last Friday taking her hair out so she could get it done at the salon. I buy her books. I check her homework. i do a lot! So I def won't lend ears to anyone who says I treat her unfairly. The point is I will do MORE for my children. And she's not going to get all of me like that - it's not my job.

good luck to you

I don't see that you said

I don't see that you said anything about being totally hands off, you simply mentioned a special trip back to your homeland /parents would be with your DD only, nothing wrong with that. You said if your DD does well on an exam, you will treat her...nothing wrong with that. Her father can take her for a treat for a job well done, and hopefully her mother is well recovered by then. Wob_ I'm actually shocked you would shame her- you consistently preached about how hands off you were with your Skids and left everything to your DH...you were particularly avoidant with them, would ignore, I often read your posts with jaw open....so to come on to shame this new poster when you did exactly what you are accusing her of is mind boggling.

all kids in my house were and

all kids in my house were and are treated equally. My point was/is that when there are shared children (which this poster has and I do not), it's not cool to exclude one. Remember, dad is dad to both of these kids. In my house, there are no "ours". And, you are completely wrong about me ignoring my skids. I didn't parent them, though I did drive much behind the scenes, but everyone got treated equally.

I didn't "shame" anyone. You're hilarious.

No, I'm not totally hands off

No, I'm not totally hands off at all. I'm very much aware that I take on too much as it stands so I didn't take wob's comment to heart. I'm actually affirmatively trying to do less. And it's working so far. I see wob and I do not have the same experience (no shared children) and we might also just have different views. But I've already explained to FH that a trip back home is for benefits to my child for getting in touch with their roots - heritage is important to me. It's not a vacation. It's a lesson in history relevant to who my child is. My parenting style is also very different from my FH and the BM. I'm not going to impose that on SD. It's a delicate balance -- but it's what I have to do to raise my child the way I see fit.

the only potential issue I

the only potential issue I see is that you and your BF have, by your admission, different parenting styles. Different styles can work just fine when there are no shared children, but I think it can be a little tricky when you have a child with someone whose style is very different from your own. You might not impose your style on your SD, but you certainly will on your own child with your BF, and will he be okay with it??

Yes, FH praises my parenting

Yes, FH praises my parenting style. He looks forward to me raising our child together. He acknowledges that fathers are only capable of "so much" (I get that this in itself is a loaded statement). In a way he wishes I would parent SD the way I will parent our bio. But parenting her is not my job.

If you're feeling resentful

If you're feeling resentful now, imagine how it will feel a year from now.

Re: the hair, maybe he can get her extensions? Those last for months but can be $$$. Or he can watch a few YouTube videos.

I had to learn how to French braid a few years back when DD had to wear FB for dance competition. I bought a mannequin head and practiced (Elle). LOL

She gets extensions with her

She gets extensions with her braids but she is a kid and they do get messy after a while. So I think I can prod him when they need redoing so he can set up a salon appt, but that's the most I'll take on. We discussed it last night.

YOW Extensions are EXPENSIVE

Can't she go shorter and natural? Then she should sleep in a cap at night as well. My son is African-American but because he's a boy I lucked out and just cut his hair short.

He wouldn't agree with that.

He wouldn't agree with that. And she would hate that. He just needs to get her into a salon. Or he will have to learn to braid.

If her hair requires weekly

If her hair requires weekly maintenance then that is a need and her dad is responsible for it. I would not expect my husband to take over responsibility for one of my ODS (absent biodad) actual needs. We have fairness on other things for all kids - gifts at holidays that all kids are attending, same rules, etc. But I wouldnt ask him to be responsible for taking him to his physical therapy, for example. And to me, making sure her hair is taken care of falls under that category.

Eta: having the large age gap helps - it's a given you'll do more for a younger child so it's not really as expected that you're going to go do everything for an 8 or 9 year old that you just did for the one or two year old. And by the time your child gets to be SDs age she will be nearly graduated.

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