Blended Cultural Family as Adults - Double Standard
Hi Everyone, This is my first post and so glad I found a forum. I guess I am here to vent but also feel I could probably use some guidance before I blow up.
A bit about me. My Mom left our family when I was 2yrs old. Parents were HS sweethearts. My Dad raised my older brother (2yrs older) and I until I was 8yrs old. He remarried Wife #1, hated kids, couldn't have her own. She was jealous, manipulative, verbally, physically, emotionally abusive. My Dad was SUPER strict w/ us (verbally, physically, emotionally abusive as well), zero missed days of school EVER, early curfew, no dating, no friends, etc. This marriage ends when I turn 16. My Dad starts dating someone at work, she has 2 daughters that are younger than me. They date for 10 years to wait until kids are out of the house, then finally marry. They have been together for 20+ years. My step mom is Korean and her kids are half Korean/American. She imposes her culultural beliefs on my entire family...food, education, etc. She is always talking about how Korean Doctors, educators, real estate agents, etc. (anything) is better than American (fill in the blank occupation). She only listens to Men, and Korean, so anything I say is not valued, she always knows better because she binge watches Korean youtube videos (cooking, nutrition, gardening). I just bite my tongue to be respectful of my Dad.
Her 2 girls have been married/divorced/remarried, in and out of jail and prison, basically a mess since they turned 18 My brother and I have moved on to live fulfilling lives with our families (neither divorced) and stayed out of trouble and not needing anything because we were raised to take care of ourselves. Step sisters have 11 kids between the 2 of them (their own and one has a blended family). If my step sisters have so much as a runny nose they call their Mom (my Step mom) to come help. They don't discipline their kids so they are constntly destroying things, failing in school, always some kind of drama. I can't have them in my house because it's too much chaos.
I have tried spending time with my step mom, cooking with her, learning how to make Kimchi and so many yummy korean foods and learning about her culture. She told me once that she only wanted her daughters to marry American men, she degrades women even though she is one. I don't get it!
Since my time as a child, my Dad is now a big softy, he gives and gives to my step mom's kids and grand children at the expense of spending time with mine or my brothers kids. My step sisters and their kids come first all the time. Both Dad and Step Mom missed my youngest daughters 1st birthday, exclude mine and my brothers kids from the pile of grandkids at events, pictures, etc. Always making time for Step Moms's grandchildren and events but always too busy for us. First 3 months after having youngest daughter I didn't hear from my Dad or step mom, they were too wrapped up with her kids and family. I really could go on and on, but I hope my story resonates with someone that can offer some advice or insight.....and I am wondering how I am supposed to stay SANE. I have tried talking to my Dad about my feelings but it just ends up in a fight. My brother refuses to have anything to do w/ Step Mom and her kids/grandkids, I try to engage and attend events but even then we are blown off and pushed aside. I try to just spend time with my Dad so we have 1:1 time, but all he does is talk about himself, my step mom and all the stuff going on in her family.
Any thoughts or advice are welcome. Seriously at my wits ends and ready to walk away from my Dad and Step Mom
YES!!! I just want to have
YES!!! I just want to have my dad and SM over for lunch and hang out/visit but they are too busy putting fires out. So frustrating!
"I can't change them. I can't make them decide that just because my daughter and I are doing fine, doesn't mean that we wouldn't value having them in our lives. They are too busy with the drama and fixing broken things"
Boundaries! I can't stress
Boundaries! I can't stress that enough. Draw your line in the sand. Continue fostering your relationship with your brother and your other healthy family members and leave your father, SM, and her tribe to live how they choose. You don't have to be a part of any of it and if this is how your father wants to live the rest of his days that's on him.
You're not a child anymore, you have the choice to pick and choose what you allow in your life.
Wishing you the best OP!
Thank you, definitely will be
Thank you, definitely will be working on this! What to do about Birthdays, Holidays. Dad and SM do*occasionally* want to come over (as long as it doesn't conflict with SM's family obligations). Then about the time we are all settling down for a nice visit she tells my dad it's time to go because they have other things to do. It feels forced when they do engage.
There's no law that you can't
There's no law that you can't cut family off OR the very least keep them a good distance away from you and yours. Your happiness and mental well being come 1st!
Such a sad story...... I can tell you from
some of my own experiences with family, if you stay attached to these people it is going to suck the life out of you. They are never going to be the people you wish they were and the people you deserve to have in your life.
I agree that your mother may have left because your father was a narcissist and if he truly is she probably knew she would never get you and your brother away from him. So because of that to save her soul she had to go. I am sure she regretted it and it sounds as though she is remorseful. I have a friend whose mother left just like yours. My friend decided to have a relationship with her mother when she found her. After many talks she understood or at least accepted why her mother left and they started a new different kind of relationship. If at all possible go to your mother. Take your brother and kids if you can. Give yourself closure or start a relationship with her.
As far as your dad, stepmom and that crew. Back away a lot if not completely. You sound to kind to not be hurt by what they have to offer which is nothing. If your father is a narcissist it is not surprising he picked a woman who worships men. That is why that works so well.
You and your brother sound like great people who raised themselves and well. You should be proud of what you have accomplished. Don't let these people bring you down.
Wow. That's a lot to take in.
Wow. That's a lot to take in. I'm sorry for all that you have gone through and hope that you feel well balanced now in your life, outside of your biofamily drama. If I was in your situation, I think I would assess my options first:
1. Continue on as it is
2. Push the relationship to an arm's length level, don't be invested, don't have any expectations, see them irregularly and only when needed
3. Quit this "family"
Number one is simply no longer feasible for many reasons (self respect, decency, etc.). For number two, you should not have to invest any further into the toxicity that is this "family". You would need tons of therapy in order to deal with past issues, future issues and learning effective coping mechanisms to do all that is needed in number two.
For yourself, you'll need to really consider quitting this "family". Invest your energy into your own family, with your brother and close friends. Why invest your energy into a black hole in putting any further effort in fixing all this?
Your brother has it right.
Your brother has it right. If you insist on engaging with your SM and her toxic criminal spawn and the dozen or so of their heaven only knows how many fathers are in play sounder of GK's then I would suggest that you have the facts of your StepSister's crimes, countless failed marriages and SpermDonors at the ready to shut down your toxic SM, bare her ass, the asses of her criminal daughters and to give your father clarity that it is long past time for him to come to clarity that only you and your brother have made a quality life for yourselves and your families and are people of character.
This is a rough one. Take care of you.