I’m back; I suck.
I went to counseling. And WE went to counseling. Then they found lead in my house (I had moved into my own place) and being pregnant and still very much in love with FH, I'm back home with FH and SD7! Joy!
FH and his bonehead BM has their final settlement conference, couldn't agree to anything so now there's a trial set for June. All the way in JUNE! I'm due in August so he's pretty much overshadowed my entire pregnancy with the foolishness that is his custody battle.
I think the worst part is that he really believes he is the better parent. I justify not needing full custody because BM provides SD with the necessities and a routine. FH's position is that BM emotionally neglects SD -- BM is not very maternal. Not a lot of hugs and kisses. But so what? FH doesn't provide much of that either. And what he doesn't provide is a routine. And there is no sense of urgency when SD says she is hungry or anything. She has been to bed past 10 every night the past week because FH is dragging her everywhere around with him (he doesn't have a regular babysitter and I have refused to do it). She is practically bawling every night because she told her dad hours ago that she was starving. But no urgency on FH's part and he doesn't cook a darn thing (and I have refused to cook for the family just because SD is hungry). Last night she had tears in her eyes telling me she hadn't eaten all day so I had to yell at him and tell him feed her now. (I guess I could have whipped something together but I will not make him force me into parenthood). He made some oven nuggets and SD ended up getting into bed at 11.
She's been doing badly in school all of a sudden; all of which I attribute to a lack of routine. I hate to see it. I don't want to tell him he can't handle FT but he really can't. I'm staying away from court because of the magistrate were to ask (I am listed as a potential witness), I would testify to all these things.
On the one hand, I knew he would rely on me to recognize things and be a mother to our child. I trust he will enforce things, but he really is incapable of doing it himself. So on the other hand, I am sick to my stomach watching him struggle with parenting. But of course, he will disagree he is struggling at all.
I have witnessed SD urinate herself on two occasions in the morning because he insists on taking his morning poop in her bathroom instead of in any of the other 2 bathrooms we have available in our home including our en suite. Of course she could have also ran to another bathroom but I blame her less because she's 7. She went to the dentist and we found out she has 4 cavities. Dental care is a little different now but I feel like that's pretty high for a child that age.
She has no chores (is that normal for a 7 year old?). Her father does not make her pick up after herself (now I have started stepping in and telling her to put her plate in the sink or put the ketchup back in the pantry) but other than that, nothing routine. She is only 7. But if things continue this way, I foresee some very bad habits at both school and home. I refuse to step in but just being around it makes me sick.
I feel terrible for being so happy that my child will be so far in age from her. So he won't necessarily have to pick up those bad habits. And also I won't be forced to cook for her or clean up after her because they're BOTH benefiting.
I feel like I'm just watching destruction occur all around. Safe from it all. But chaos and ugliness in my home. I feel like SD staying with FH is not in her best interest. I could step in and give this child the home and love she wants and deserves....... but I don't want to.
I just kinda hope the magistrate judge sees it too. But they are both pro se, so who knows what will happen.
EDIT: Okay so while speaking to FH, I brought up the fact that last night's hunger issues were a problem and told him SD cried to me saying she hadn't eaten all day. He was shocked and said she had eaten 4 meals that day. He is shocked she lied and said he is having issues with her on all fronts *shrug* I just told him I don't care anymore - whether his 7 old year child is hungry or just a liar - both are pretty serious and I'm done with all of it.
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Ugh - I don't think I could
Ugh - I don't think I could stay with a man who neglects his kid like that. The not feeding her all day is CPS reportable.
Sounds like the reality is that he wants to "win" and hurt BM by taking SD away from her. So beware if you do leave, might be the same kind of fight for your child.
He really believes BM is the
He really believes BM is the worst human in the world. Her own family has come to him behind her back and told him things BM has failed to do and asked him to take her FT. Tbh I think they BOTH suck as FT parents. I have heard of incidents where BM has left SD at home by herself to go eat at some restaurant and come home to the hungry child and had to drive her to McDonalds. But it seems as if she's changed since then. I think all the outside encouragement has convinced FH that he is SD's only hope at life.
Anyway I say all that to say that FH knows I will end his life if he ever tried to take our son from me. I'm not his BM. And he has acknowledged that. Even when he and I are bad, he knows I will sacrifice my soul for our child. He sounds like a dummy (and I guess from what I've written many of you will say he is) but not so stupid to fight me in court over our son.
That's what my DH thought too
That's what my DH thought too - "BM won't do that to me". Yep, she totally did that to him, just she did that to her first husband with their child. People's spots don't change.
It would be one thing if he thought BM was a bad parent and he actually was a GOOD parent, but from what you say, either he's delusional, or he just wants to get SD from BM to win.
A mess
Ok, I totally understand you wanting to stay out of this mess with BM and SD but I just couldn't sit and let a 7 year cry from being hungry and not feed them. The SD7 is the one losing in this, I mean losing big time. Sounds to me like her mother and her father both suck big time. I think child services needs to step in and take her from both of them.
I get you. And not to
I get you. And not to downplay the event of last night's hunger but CPS doesn't play a part here. In general, the child is well fed but only because of take out. FH can't even make a grilled cheese. However, FH is now on a budget so all that take out is getting cut out. I think it's a lesson he needs to learn because he is pushing for FT. He needs to know FT comes the responsibility of feeding her (and I am NOT cooking every night just for him to miss out on an important lesson) but take out on a FT schedule is not fiscally sound. So he is at the stage now where he is realizing "oh so now I need to learn to whip stuff together or she will be hungry." I'm sure it won't happen again. And I have told him children require routine and all these 10pm errands need to end and she needs to eat, be showered up and in bed by 9. I have stepped back because he needs to learn these things.
I wouldn't want to reproduce
I wouldn't want to reproduce with a man that doesn't even take good care of the child he already has. Do you think it will be different for your child? I guess if you are ok with doing everything for your kid and not having this man support you guys it will be okay. Sounds pretty awful though.
I feel you but I'm already
I feel you but I'm already pregnant *shrug*
Also I think in his mind he takes great care of her. As a mother I hear a child is hungry and the thought of her hunger consumes me. But in his head, 1 hour more is not a big deal. I disagree with that.
I get that you are already
I get that you are already pregnant so can't really change that.
For me this would all be a big red flag that I would be better off without him. I'm not trying to be mean. I just would rather be on my own doing it all on my own than have a partner doing nothing and expecting me to take up his slack. Especially with a child that was not mine.
I also agree that men are dumb and he likely thought no big deal on making her wait a little longer to eat but I disagree with his antics as well.
Agree with this. OK, it
Agree with this. OP, it really does sound like you would be better off without this dead weight.
He thinks he’s the better
He thinks he’s the better parent when he lets her go hungry because he’d rather focus on whatever he’s doing than listen to the needs of his child?! Dear lord, he is a terrible parent. Horrible!
Do you have a support network around you? You’re going to need it when your baby comes, I wouldn’t trust that man with my kid whether he helped me produce it or not. You can’t rely on him. Wow.
Honestly, backing off and
Honestly, backing off and watching him parent SD without me has convinced me that should we split, I will fight for nothing less than FT with only visitation no overnight stays.
yes I have support. My mother will be staying for 6 months after baby's birth so that will be major. And she's moving close to us. A lot of my friends are also mothers and we lean on each other.
You call him FH, does that
You call him FH, does that mean you are not married yet? You hold all the cards if you're not married.
So, I dont' see him changing his parenting much until he feels some pain over SD's downward spiral at school. Keeping her up late and dragging her around is ridiculous. At 7 she needs more sleep not less, maybe 10-12 hours each night. My 11yo needs 10 now but needed 12 when younger. When she can function in the morning without a battle, you found your sweet spot for sleep. Sounds like daddy doens't want to grow up, can make the kids but not sacrifice for them. He's more interested in winning over BM than anything else. Once he beats BM, then what? If he loses, how long will he continue the battle?
Are you worried about his genes holding back your baby?
I think he does want to be a
I think he does want to be a better parent but he can't without help. I agree the level of help he needs for basic concepts such as routine does sound stupid. But part of what he and I spoke about last night was the importance of routine in our son's life, and I told him blankly i dont care how he wants to raise his daughter but he must change with ours. He was sad and said he wished I would correct him with his daughter too BUT WHY SHOULD I? Just don't be a bonehead parent!! Last night, SD was clean and in pjs by 830. I just hate that I have to play any role in her parenting
Not sure what you mean about his genes. He's not developmentally delayed. He is a doctor of physical therapy and owns a PT business. His father is a professor at a T10 university and his mother was a family physician. FH is just a bonehead with the daddy duties. Anything that could affect our son would be environmental, not biological.
He's not dumb - he's lazy. He
He's not dumb - he's lazy. He doesn't REALLY care about SD's needs, he just wants to get her from BM. If he truly cared about her, he'd learn how to parent on his own - it's not rocket science to know that children need to eat 3 times a day and get to bed at a decent hour.
He's hoping that he can get her away from BM and YOU will become her new, better mother. So he may be smart, but he's selfish and doesn't care a bit about his daughter (or you, for that matter).
You can defend him all you want, this level of child neglect says he's a parent who just doesn't care about his kid's needs, only his own.
ETA: Most people take better care of their pets than he does his kid.
Agree with tog! He could
Agree with tog! He could read books on parenting or articles on parenting. He has no desire to actually parent. He is trying to groom you into being SD's new mommy figure so he can continue slacking in his parental duties.