Resentment? Help?
I have been with partner for 2 years and have two SD aged 6 & 10. When I first met them I really liked them, their behaviour didn't bother me and I had a lot more patience than I do now.
Now the slightest winge, cry, back chat or bad behaviour really annoys me and stresses me out that I want to hide away when they stay around and dread coming home when they are there..
I really don't understand what has changed. Is it their behaviour has gotten worse..or I have become less tolerant? Anyway, I raised their behaviour with their dad and he agreed he is too soft on them and has been a lot more firm with them and said it is due to guilt of not being there all the time and we have been making progress on that.
I want to know why I feel like this towards them and why I have become less tolerant and really feel like I dislike them. Am I jealous? Maybe a little bit.. maybe I resent them as we have had arguments over them recently. If this is the reason how do I overcome it?
i just feel so confused. I don't know why I feel like this so don't know where to start to try and work at these feelings :-(
Well
I'm not totally sure of your situation but in mine I used to get into arguments w my bf about his sons behavior if I felt like the things he'd say to me were disrespectful and he would never say to his parents. I also want to note that it is not in our dna to get along with children that aren't ours, especially if they resemble a mix of the person we're in love with and an ex they made a baby with... yuck. That always makes me sick with jealousy and then anger, which I've always had to work on and it's truly exhausting. That might not be it for you, I'm not sure!
Something that made me a little wary is that I love kids more than anything, that's why I'm a teacher, but getting along with his son has been more challenging than getting along with even my most problematic kiddos in the classroom. You just don't know what goes on when they're with their other parent. You don't know what's being said, maybe they are being told to be rude and snotty to you, and that's where you make sure your partner knows to have the conversation with them about your place in the household and that it is to be respected. As they get older they'll get hormonal and start going through their own mess of issues personally, so they'll definitely go through a rough bit. Boundaries and routines help a lot when it comes to this kind of stuff I think. And it could help you, too!
hope I can help!
Cause meet effect.
I don't really care about the why. I care about the what. The reason why a kid, any kid, is an ill behaved little shit really does not matter to me. That they are an ill behaved little shit is what matters and addressing those behaviors is the preferred solution for me.
Applying effective age appropriate escalating consequences is the mose effective solution I have found. Kids who comply with standards of reasonable behavior and performance live a reasonable life. Kids who exceed established standards of behavior and performance live an elevated state of existance. Kids who don't quite get the message will be delivered with a state of passive but persistent unhappiness and kids who agressively choose or otherwise fail to catch a clue and deliver on established stan dards of behavior and peformance will learn to exist within a framework of active and escalating misery.
As pure of a cause and effect existance as I can deliver.
It is amazing how effective this perspective is in improving kid performance and choices as well as minimizing my own stress. They get the results they choose. I deliver on their choices. Good or bad.
How their BioParent chooses to deal with them is irrelevent. If the BP does not like how a SParent parents and disciplines then the BP can step up and get it done before the SParent has to. If the BP does step up then they should deliver to the expecation that the SParent has... or.... the kid gets a double dose of parenting and discipline.
Keeping it simple is the best solution IMHO and experience. Focus on the what and the why be resolved in that process.
Welcome
I think that your confusion about your feelings and what to do about them, really what it comes down to is that this is not YOUR child.
Read this board further and you will see many articulations of the same thing. With the same solutions provided.
Without much in the way of background, its tough to say the WHY. But if you apply the principals of parenting and managing a successful relationship, that should help you. For example, having a united front is necessary in any relationship. Parenting is always necessary.
Welcome to the site!
Always nice to welcome a new UK member. I have been with my DH for nearly 18 yrs, when his SDs were 5 and 7. Almost the only thing we ever argue about is his daughters and mainly that I feel he over-babies them, overindulges them, doesn't have proper boundaries in place and tolerates (has even rewarded, in the past) bad behaviour on their parts. When we met my own daughters were in their late teens and whatever their faults, they are not treated like this, they are not entitled at all, as I feel my SDs are - particularly SD25.
In order to feel comfortable, you need to feel that your partner is in charge of hisher children, has authority and that they respect him/her and abide by rules and boundaries he/she sets. I suggest that the two of you work together, consistently and over time, reviewing every so often so that you feel like a team.
Too many non custodial bio parents allow their children to dictate to them, because they are scared of losing the relationship if they are firm - men are particularly guilty of this - the so-called "Disney Dad" syndrome. This is very short term thinking because in the end, children WANT firmness and boundaries - it is too scary for them to feel they have power over their parent.