His kids can do no wrong!
The thing that really sucks the most about blending the family is that my husband and I used to be soooo close. We got along great, and our relationship was very romantic. But, since we blended, things haven't been the same. There have been so many problems!!! Besides having to deal with the clingy miniwife all the time, I have to deal with his negative attitude about my daughter. It's not like he's mean to her, but he does pick on her in my opinion. He is always pointing out what she does wrong, and actually acts like his kids are perfect. What really really pisses me off is she is such a great kid. Perfect, no, but great! She's on the honor roll and even got into a school for academically gifted children. And it's a FREE school. Whereas, we spend 20,000 a year on his kid's private school tuition. You think he'd be grateful, but no. He finds small stupid things to complain about. Like....she stays in her room too much! What?? You think he'd enjoy the space. Or, she leaves food in the sink or crumbs on the counter....Really? What infuriates me the most is his kids do the same exact things. His son is always in his room. And they leave stuff on the kitchen counter every day that they are here...which is half the time 50/50 custody. And I never, ever complain about his kids. I am very laid back and don't feel the need to gripe about small things. I just put the stuff they leave away and go about my day. Whereas he feels the need to bring it up. The only thing I ever complain about is the miniwife crap. And when I mention that his kids do the same stuff, so why doesn't he go and reprimand them when they do it...and he will actually say that they don't do those things!!! Even though I see them doing it all the time. How can he act like that? Like his kids do no wrong and he's somehow justified in reprimanding my child while ignoring his own children's indiscrestions???
He doesn't see his kids doing
He doesn't see his kids doing those things because you are running after them picking up their mess for them. Stop doing things for his kids so he can deal with thier mess himself.
I don't always pick up after
I don't always pick up after them, just sometimes. It's not that he doesn't "see it because I pick it up". It can be sitting right in front of his face, and he doesn't seem to notice. He will complain about what my daughter does, but when I point out what they've done, he somehow "didn't realize, or notice it." I asked him how he conveniently doesn't "see" the messes they leave behind... He said that's because they don't leave messes and he's taught his children to pick up after themselves. . So, I gave him some examples of them not picking up, and he just says, "well start telling me". Why is it that he manages to notice my daughter's messes, but not his? There just always seems to be a double standard. For example...he got so mad at my DD for riding bikes with her friends because he was worried she'd catch the covid 19. But today he told me he's letting his daughter go ride bikes with a friend. I lost my mind on him!! How can someone be like that???
I feel you
I gave DH a little karma right back when my DS wasn't with us. I'd walk into the kitchen and ask DH, "Is DS here, I didn't hear him come in?" DH would tell me he wasn't around and ask why I thought DS was around. I would then say "Oh, because there's [fill in whatever DH bitched about that DS did that was usually the skids]." DH cottoned on after a while and got huffy. I then switched to: but you see [thing he's huffy about] right, or are my eyes bad? He finally got around to admitting that the skids are doing stuff. It took a long time and it's not like he never does it anymore but it's gone down.
I stopping cleaning up after
I stopping cleaning up after SD. She's a complete slob. She will make food and leave stuff out. Like half eaten food, but won't throw the rest away and won't rinse the dish. If she leaves her dirty clothes on the floor in the bathroom I leave them. DH notices and can get on her. It was much better once I stopped caring, he can fix her slob behavior. I'm extremely clean- and it's so hard for me to let go, but- he's the dad. He can figure that mess out lol.
If he is not going to get
If he is not going to get onto his own kids for doing the same crap, I would tell him not to say a damn word to my kid about it. He can pick on his own kids if he needs someone to pick on.
That's what I told him!
I'm so glad to know my feelings are normal. I told him that exact thing...don't tell her anything anymore because you are focusing on her only when you should really be focusing on your two. I actually said to him...don't tell her a damn thing. If you don't have something positive to say, say nothing! And don't try to discipline my child just because you're too scared to discipline your own. It just really hurts me that someone could be like that. It's made me lose respect for him.
Are you sure
your DD isn't in her room all the time to avoid him? I say that because my mother's H nitpicked me too. Straight A student, job, virgin, and he was always ragging on me about something. Have a frank talk with your DD. And don't pick up after your skids anymore.
She's just independent.
I don't think it's to avoid him, but perhaps. The reason is because even when he goes out of town for work, she still does her own thing. I do have open communication with her, and she does feel that he is harder on her that he is on his kids. I've told him that, as well. But, he refuses to believe that he plays favorites. I don't expect him to have the same bond with her as he does his own. I just think the treatment should be the same.
I thought I wrote this it's so close to my situation
My DH thinks his kids walk on water and is always nit picking my daughter. I don't even talk to his kids anymore or about them for that matter. I make dinner, leave it on the counter and everyone takes their plate. If my DH has a complaint about my daughter, my eyes glaze over and I don't respond.
I'm so sorry you deal with something similar!
Does if make you very mad? It makes my blood boil. I really don't give his kids a hard time about anything. I told them when we got married that they already have a mom, and the most I hoped for was friendship and for their respect. He is so easy going with his two, especially his daughter. And to see him be such a hardass with mine makes my momma claws come out. It hurts. I don't want her feeling like she's less than them or feeling picked on.
Definitely set the limit that
Definitely set the limit that he parents his and you parent yours. I had to do the same thing here, because SDs would get SO so twisted that instead of him fighting with them he would just walk around irritated and then nit pick my son and neice. I put a stop to that and then drove my point home by relentlessly pointing out when either he or SDs did the things he complained about. Which was most of the time.
You do realize that you are
You do realize that you are the reason why he is so critical of your daughter and not his own kids... right?
He does not see what his kids leave out and the messes they make because you clean up after them. They are only there half the time your DD is so he sees her and the evidence of her presence all of the time.
So, quit polishing the turds that are his kids and start pointing out their crap and demand that he deal with it. That will start to give him clarity that his kids are not the perfect little angels that he thinks that they are.
Polishing a turd does nothing but make a POS shiny. At the core, it is still a POS.
So, start to let daddy live the clarity of what his kids really are.
In fact, season that menu item with a clear accounting of their performance, the cost they represent in private school tuition, the CS he pays, etc, etc, etc.... and make sure that you have the kid balance sheet for your kid ready to put side by side with the balance sheet for his kids.
I forecast that DH will find that whole process to be decidedly uncomfortable. Make sure to also have the changes in your relationship on that balance sheet as well including the clear message that you married the man you were dating and he is no longer that man so he had better work on his active case of Cranio-Rectitis and start being the man you married rather than the distant, spawn focused, delusional daddy that he apparently is.
smh
Wow, you really put into words some things I am feeling.
I will try to point out what they do more. I just really don't like doing that because I just don't make a big deal out of that kind of stuff. But, I understand if I don't point it out, nothing will change. I do really miss the way we used to be. I know he loves me, but I'm just very shocked by how hypocritical he can be.
You know he loves you?
You know he loves you? Really? How, does he demonstrate that love through action? If he does, it is not readily apparent from your post and comments.
Value yourself. If you don't, he won't. No one likes having to be assertive and overtly critical with a partner. However, if the partner does not act to address their own behaviors that are causing the problem, it is something that must be done. To not do it is choosing to accept the bullshit your partner is perpetrating.
Good luck.
I know because he shows me in
I know because he shows me in many other ways. And he does show her, too. Or tries to anyway. But we have a problem in this area of him "Playing favorites". And, you're right, it needs to be addressed. I just don't know how to really get him to accept that he does do it. He has apologized to her in the past for some things he has said. And I know everyone makes mistakes. What bothers me is that he would never say those same things to his own. It makes it hard to feel close to him. It makes me wonder where it's coming from. And, it gets exhausting having to point it out over and over. Anddddd having to mention the miniwife stuff over and over. (That's a whole other problem) I can't believe how tiresome it is. And I don't want to feel like I'm riding his ass all the time. I wish there was another solution.
There is a solution.
Find a better partner.
Everything the kids leave out
Everything the kids leave out (including my BDs), gets put in thier room. Every sock, book, wrapper and crumb. If they can't pick it up, into their room it goes!
Thanks everyone for the feedback.
It makes me feel a little less lonely knowing others deal with similar situations. It just really hurts that he does this. It's not like he's a total jerk all the time, most of the time he's kind and caring. But there is an obvious difference in his attitude towards them vs. my DD. And he plays favorites...SD by far being his favorite. He will yell at my DD and sometimes even his SS, but not SD. He will complain about things my daughter does, and barely say a word about what his daughter does even if it's worse!! And he shows a complete lack of sympathy for her at times. For instance, our dog got hit by a car last year. He was in the hospital for a week...sadly he didn't make it. While he was at the doggy hospital trying to get better, one night after dinner, he told my DD to take out the trash. He said, "I will give you a dollar everytime you take out the trash and you can start working off that vet bill!" I felt that was in such poor taste. She didn't know if her dog was going to survive and he has to bring up the vet bill??? I was livid. When I brought it up, he defended himself and said she needs to learn the value of a dollar. Which is hilarious because she doesn't cost him a dime. I get CS from my ex. And his kids cost a fortune. I asked him why he thinks it's his duty to teach her that, did he think his kids "know the value of a dollar". and he admittedly said no. Then I pointed out that he would have never been so insensitive to his own kids if their beloved pet was in the hospital about to die. He said he probably shouldn't have said it. Which is good that he realizes, but still....I guess what hurts the most is I don't understand why he even would say things like that to begin with. I thought he was more sensitive than that.
Your DH is a jerk and I truly
Your DH is a jerk and I truly believe that your DD deserves better. She may eventually hold you accountable for the way he treats her.
Your husband is hypocritical and insensitive
Create a spreadsheet with costs of his kids vs cost of yours and show him the data. $20,000 a year for private school? That is f-ing ridiculous. University, yes. Why pay property tax + private school tuition (unless you have crappy public schools...in which case why live there)...
Write down specific examples of his hypocrisy in the way he treats your daughter vs letting unacceptable behavior by his kids go.
The reaction on the poor dog is thoroughly disgusting. That would be such a massive turnoff to me, husband would get nothing from me unless he went down on his knees apologizing to me and to my daughter and was supportive of whatever timeline SHE wants to get another dog. A dog is a member of the family. That is a massive, traumatic loss and if he cannot see that he is a beast. I could never be with a "man" like that. It's an outrage.
I would bring up all of these things to him - this is a hill to die on. If he cannot listen to you, change his behavior and have a continuing dialogue, I would consider ending the marriage.
The reaction on the poor dog
The reaction on the poor dog is thoroughly disgusting. That would be such a massive turnoff to me
Seriously this ^^^^
I would have a really hard time being with a man who treated my kid like this guy treats OP's daughter.
Yeah, that one has been tough to get over
It still makes me mad. But, I know I'm not perfect, so I try to just move on. I can forgive, It would just be so much easier if he understood...If he realized that he does play favorites, that he is harder on her than his own...just realizing it and trying to be more aware of his behavior would make me feel so much closer to him. But, I have to try to prove it all over again everytime it happens. It's exhausting. He can be very sweet and loving most of the time. What makes it hard is seeing the difference in his attitude toward her vs. his own. That stings and I worry it could make her feel like she's less. She says she doesn't really care, but I know it hurts her feelings when he acts like that.
OP - how old are all of these
OP - how old are all of these kids?
I'm sorry for the delayed response...
This thread is a few months old now, but I wanted to answer your question. My daughter is 14, his daughter is 14 and his son is 16,
If for whatever reason you
If for whatever reason you stay with this dude, absolutely forbid him from disaplining your daughter. Lord, keep her emotional well being safe. Having a father figure treat her poorly is setting her up for really bad romantic relationships.
Same
I could have wrote this! My DH also plays favorites. His son can do no wrong. My children are punished harshly and his gets away with murder.
I've called him on it and he denied it!! His kid broke a tv by throwing a remote threw it because he was mad. No punishment!
My kid didnt vaccum the living room, grounded for a week!
I'm kids complain to me and they are not very nice to his son anymore. They know what is happening. It honestly is about to be a deal breaker for me.
I wish I had advice but all I can offer is a...your not alone!
This is something I'm
This is something I'm struggling with. My partner has one standard for his kid and a different standard for mine. He'll grump at mine for something but when his does the exact same thing he let's it slide and even give her kisses and cuddles. I'm aware that parents tend to favour their biochildren so I try to be fair and treat all our kids the same whether bio or step. The double standard does my head in.
So glad to know I'm not the only one.
One issue I struggle with is that it's not always blantant and obvious. It's very passive aggressive and underhanded. So it makes it very hard to point out. And when I try to explain or give examples, it is difficult. What standards does your partner hold for the kids that are unfair?
Sounds like a deal breaker.
I have made it very clear to my DH since way before marriage that it would immediately and without question be over if I ever felt like he didn't genuinely love my children. I wouldn't tolerate that behavior for my DD's sake. I'd be out. I can't stand SD13 and he knew it upfront as well, but said he didn't care, still wanted to be with me. It's a very bad situation and I wish I had listened to my gut that it would only get worse, not better.
what does she do that bothers you?
I'm just curious to know other's situations.