Am I being stupid?

My partner has sole custody of her daughter 15, who I live with also.
about a year ago, she left me to get back with her ex. Who isn't the child's BF but treats her like one.
she said this was for the benefit of her daughter.

silly me ended up taking her back when she said it was all a mistake. But I can't help feel stupid, when she still tries and talks to this ex.

But whenever I say anything, she goes down my throat that she's only communicating for her daughter.

anyway in the past year I've taken her daughter on holiday, bought birthday Xmas presents etc and I'm really starting to feel resentment.

im also not allowed to criticise SD in anyway, for example when she started smoking. My OH was fine with that.

I've planned holiday for just me and the other half, for a fortnight. Where her daughter will be watched by her ex. But she's not showing any interest in this holiday at all.

I'm starting to think I'd be better off with someone else.

Needtovent29's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

Welcome to the site!

So have I got this right - she still talks to the ex, left you for him a year ago, and yet when you say anything about it she leaps to attack you? Then why in heaven's name are you still with her? I think you are making all the effort in this relationship - and to her you sound like a convenience for any time when she hasn't got a better offer on the table. Honestly, you are worth more than this, aren't you?

Thank you.

Yes it's like I'm not allowed to mention anything at all. She goes ape, and just walks out of the house if I say anything she disagrees with. I don't think I knew fully what I signed up for when I got with someone with kids already haha.

To be honest I don't feel its

To be honest I don't feel its the SD15 who's the problem here - it's your partner. Not everyone with a kid/s already behaves like a total knob head. Admittedly a lot do - hence the majority of the problems that bring folks to this site - but in your case it's your woman who's the issue. Please value yourself more highly and find a partner who also values you.

I hereby confirm that you'd

I hereby confirm that you'd certainly be better off with someone else. Cancel the holiday. Save your money and your time. You deserve so, so so much better than the crumbs she's giving you. I can't see anything worth saving about this relationship.

On another note, she's leaving her 15 yo daughter for two weeks with a guy she isn't even related to? What about her bio father? Is he in the picture? Grandparents?

Agree.

Also, OP... ME! I will appreciate a holiday!

Yes you are.

This not seem Ike an equal relationship. And she still talks to her ex. She doesn't see you as serious partner material.

Your SO cheats on you, then

Your SO cheats on you, then comes back and still wants to have a relationship with the man she had the affair with. When you express your feelings and want to set appropriate boundaries, she gaslights you, to convince you that you are the one in the wrong for questioning her. I definitely see a problem here!!!

Rx = Chumplady.com

That was my 1st thought, too, based on everything I've read at ChumpLady.com, which is a great online support community founded by the excellent author of Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.

Yes, Chumplady snark is a cold hard reality check

But with healthy doses of kindness and empathy.

NO, you are not stupid. Your SO is a narcissistic jerk. She is using you because you are her rock, someone who genuinely cares about her and is emotionally available, plus you want to be romantic and take her away for a holiday (which she is suspiciously not excited about). None of those things are stupid. You are wanting a healthy relationship and are hooked on "hopium" (chumplady term for hopeful) and thinking because she "picked you", that she is invested in your relationship. She is not. You are the fallback guy when things dont work out with others.

I think that when you think about things more, you will realise that she is not worth all of this.

Anytime a partner isn’t allowing open channels of communication

Thats a big red flag!!

anytime a partner tells you not to criticise or call out on shitty unacceptable behaviour, again its a big red flag!!

she claims to be in regular contact with an ex who is not the bio father of her daughter, is also a big red flag... there is no benefit to maintain that relationship anymore especially if she cheated on you for him!!

she eventually said it was a mistake and came back to you, usually means she left you to cheat with her ex, only to realise he was using her for sex or didn’t want anything serious so she went to the next best thing- YOU!!

don’t ever settle for a partner who treats you like leftovers and doesn’t appreciate you because that is exactly what she is doing

I dont have anything

I dont have anything additional to add that hasnt already been mentioned here, but as someone that just went through it I say to please stand up for yourself and leave! You are worth more than someone that doesn't respect you or your relationship. Yes its hard and I'm still struggling 2 months later but you will be better off. Someone like that is never going to see that they are being inappropriate or wrong and nothing that you can say or do will make them change. Do you really want to live with always wondering when the other shoe is going to drop? Is she lying to me, is she cheating, when are we going to get into another fight, why cant I trust her??

I just came across a quote online this morning that really rang true: "It hurts to walk away from someone you care about, but I assure you it hurts more to stay!"

Please find someone who

Please find someone who values you and will be loyal to you. She doesn't.

You are here

Comments