Stand your ground and claim your space and your date nights. Don’t give an inch. Talk to SS yourself and express your preference that he allow his father space to nurture his new marriage. 

The point he made - long ago - was that his kids come first.  And that is exactly what is happening.  

From your description, I get the feeling that your DH essentially ran right over you and unilaterally made the decision about his son moving in whether you objected to it or not.  He didn't discuss timelines with you so I'm assuming he didn't discuss financials either.  Are you expected to pick up the tab for the additional food, utilities, housework, etc. that this son brings with him?  I'll bet your DH didn't even bring that up.  I guess your DH also assumes that every penny the son makes is his to save for his eventual home.    

The message here is clear:  His adult kids take precedence over you.  

I have the feeling that your DH runs over you when he's made up his mind about something.  Which means it will be very difficult for you to stand up to him on this issue regarding his son. 

I suggest that you go to a relationship counselor on your own.  Talk to the counselor about this situation and seek help for asserting yourself and your RIGHTS in this marriage.  

Best of luck!

So, your DH made arrangements to move his adult son into your home and never discussed with you first? That is  completely unacceptable and you should let your DH know that.

In happy marriages, the needs of a spouse come first, not the needs of an adult child. When one spouse makes decisions about moving people into the home, it is discussed first.

The adult son freeloader is way too old to have to run back to live with daddy. He needs to support himself at that age and live on his own.

I would make sure that you clear no space for the loser son; do not give up any rooms in your home; no closet space; no space in the fridge; no space in the garage, etc. It is your home too, right? So, you have the right to do what's you want with the space in your home.

i feel bad for you. Good luck

We are on the tail end of a similar situation. DH allowed his son-in-law to move in without much discussion with me, no timeline, etc.. He had taken a job in the area and wanted to stay while they waited for their house to sell in another state. After a few months I asked those questions and was met with a shrug. I said my piece then didn't mention it again. It was clear to me that he was in support of him/them regardless of my feelings. So I kept quiet but went on about my life and did things that brought me joy and pleasure. Those things did not always include DH. My advice is to try as hard as you can to put this issue on the back burner and not focus on it, even when it's staring you in the face. About six weeks after that he told me he had a conversation with him and told him he needed to be making his exit plan. 

He could be a very nice boy and building a relationship with him could be key in assisting with the communication issues between you and DH. I think if you pit yourself against him and DH, you will come out on the losing side. Whatever conversations you have with DH about this, focus them on how SS is doing with his financial plan. DH is allowing him to be in your home so asking those questions should help DH keep focused on WHY he's there. The point was for him to save money so by being encouraging in reference to that would hopefully help DH keep his reasons for being there at the front of THEIR conversations, too. 

I know what you mean about learning to live together. If things get tense, you could always say that to DH. He should be considerate of your feelings, too. I would encourage you to seek counseling, too. Whatever avenues are available to help you then take advantage of them. Keeping yourself strong emotionally will only make you more attractive to DH and should make him want to meet you on that level. 

You do not have to put up with this and you shouldn't.  You say you gave up your apartment when you married DH so it appears the place you live now is DH's.   I would sit down with DH and calmly inform him that in a marriage you are equal partners.  Then tell him unless you see some sort of timeline and financial plan for SS you will be formulating your own.  I would also let him know that any interference of his son on date nights is out of the question for you.  If he attempts to argue with you about it walk away and let him process it.  If you pay for 1/2 of the bills, adjust it so that you are only paying for 1/3.  Divide all finances and start saving up for an exit plan.  Also, as another poster suggested, seek counseling on your own to deal with this horrible situation.

I think you're stuck because SS is already there, so you'll have to compromise to get him out:

What about your husband giving or loaning SS the downpayment for a house?

What about your husband paying for SS's apartment so SS can save for the downpayment? SS could have roommates which would make it less costly. Drastic, I know, but you just want SS out, so figure out what you're willing to give up to get him out.

It's not unreasonable for you to have expectations of SS's exit date. If SS starts taking expensive vacations while living with you it will very rightly make you crazy. Guaranteed, though, your husband won't think anything wrong with it.

Sit your husband down and say you really want this living arrangement with SS to go as well as possible so you want to discuss some expectations so there is no conflict (ha, ha -- no conflict!) Ask your husband how you'll deal with conflict. Tell him you really want a good relationship with SS and you need to know how best to make that happen. Ask him what is fair to expect from SS in terms of chores, contributions to the household, etc. Tell him a good parent doesn't just give -- a good parent teaches responsibility and that nothing is free. Ask what will happen if it becomes apparent SS isn't saving for the downpayment. Ask about how he will carve out time just for the two of you so SS can have his own life too. Ask what financial goal SS has so you can all help him hit his target. Tell him if he really wants his son to succeed, he should actively help him setup a budget, a timeline and goals because that's what good parents do. It's all about SS!

Play the whole discussion as concern for SS's well being -- it will go better than if you play it as concern for yourself because SMs are supposed to be selfless in the eyes of these dads. If your husband doesn't want to talk about it, ask him why he's leaving so much to chance, why he thinks there will be no conflict with three adults sharing space. Tell him he's setting up his son for failure if he doesn't let him know what expectations there are for this living arrangement and that's not fair to SS. Ask him why he isn't more willing to help his son achieve his goal! Make HIM look like the bad parent.

I agree counseling might help you figure out how to deal with your husband. If this is what's happening one year in, it's going to be a loooong marriage.

The adult kid is in his 30's did I read that right?  hahhahahahhahaha

What a looser.

By age 30 I was expecting my first child. I was married we had our own house. Prior to that...I worked full time. Put myself thru school with student loans AND worked to pay the rent in a place with 2 other girls doing the same thing.,Had to pay car loan,car insurance and medical insurance.

Ma'am I am sorry but your husband has his own plans. You and your marriage are not at the top.

To heck with fee fee counseling. I would find my own place, and file for divorce. He can pay some alimoney too....

Assuming your in your 50's plus? YOU dont have time for this junk ...go find someone who thinks YOU matter.

Hi, this is my first post, too. I read your story and could identify with it.

I’ve been married to my 2nd husband for 3 years. I met his daughter when she was 21, the summer before she went back for her final year of college. We married the following summer, 2 weeks after his daughter graduated. His daughter lived with us after graduation and the wedding. I didn’t get a chance before we were married to get to know her, or see their relationship firsthand, but he really made her sound great, so I didn’t think I’d have a problem with a mature adult. He really talked her up, saying how amazing she was. I was so naive. 

They moved into MY house. So many things happened that upset me, basically because he treated her like she was on a pedestal; he treated her like a mini-wife; she was spoiled, entitled, lazy and unmotivated; he didn’t put my feelings first; he didn’t see any of it and continued enabling her. I was trying to raise my two young girls to be responsible and independent someday and he was enabling a dependent 22 y/o adult. When I would bring up concerns, he would get defensive and we would fight. It was like he had 2 families under one roof: me and my 2 girls, and his with her that he shut me out of completely. They had their own conversations and made decisions together like she was a mini-wife. We weren’t a blended family like I expected to be. I was seeing a therapist and was on anti-anxiety meds to deal with the stress.

I woke up one morning and said I’m not taking this anymore. We had been married for 6 months. I told him she had to be out of my house by Christmas (1 month). If he didn’t like it, he could go too, and I would file for divorce. To me, nothing would change unless I did something drastic. If he left with her, I’d be better off; if he stayed and kicked her out, then in some way I’d be his priority. I was his wife; I believed that I should be his priority over his 22 y/o daughter.

That night, he told her she had to leave before Christmas. She protested a little, but left on December 19. It was a huge relief for me.

Now I’m his priority by default because she moved out of state to live with her boyfriend and his mother. She’s 25 now and still dependent, but on someone else’s parent.

I don’t mean you should do what I did. I don’t know your exact situation, financial and otherwise. And also, things are definitely not perfect just because she left. He doesn’t tell me when he talks to her, he sneaks around as if he’s having an affair. Last Christmas, he spent more effort and money on her gift than mine. She has never apologized for being rude and unappreciative to me while she was here. I worry what will happen when she gets married and has her first child. It’s a situation I can never be rid of while married to him.

But I’m relieved she’s not in my house, and my husband is a great stepdad to my girls. He helps me raise them strong and independent like I want them to be. Funny, because his daughter is neither strong nor independent.

I just wanted to share with you my similar situation. Just know that you aren’t alone. I felt like I had to do something early, to show him I would not tolerate such ridiculous behavior from both of them. It was a horrible situation and even if it lasted only 7 months, affected my marriage. I still am not over how he let his desire to enable an adult child come between us in the first half year of our marriage! It’s been a tough 3 years.

To grow some lady balls and tell him how you feel. He certainly doesn't mind telling you how it is. Please don't hold back, your opinion, your home your time and your life matter too. Speak up woman, empower yourself.

"I’m made to look as though I’m the one with the problem and not being supportive of helping my stepson and their father-son relationship."

Your 30 yr old stepson does not *need help*, he wants the convenience of living with daddy who will pay all the bills and take care of everything while he just goes to work, then comes home to free food in your fridge.  Grown ss moving in with his newly married father is a way to create a wedge between the two of you and DH can assure ss that he's still his #1 priority. 

There is no need for you to "help" their father-son relationship, those two were doing just fine decades before you came along.  All that is happening is that DH is providing a cushioned existence for his grown man baby son at the expense of his marriage and his wife's comfort.  SS gets to be a coddled child again while DH feels important for "helping" his son, yet it's not helping if it's something ss could do for himself. 

Your DH sounds just like mine when we were first married. I was told, not asked or even consulted, that ss who was 29 yrs old at the time would be staying with us for a *few nights* because he was *homeless.* I overheard DH tell ss that he should "stay for awhile and hide away from the world." I was shocked at how DH was crippling ss for his own egoic reasons.  SS stayed on and off for months in and out of our house, eating the fridge bare, making demands. Long story short we almost divorced over this issue and DH continued and on some level still continues to enable ss. Just today DH comes home late, I ask him where he's been and he says, "I've been being a good father."  Apparently ss33's gf's car broke down during a trip they were on a state over and he wants DH to take off work tomorrow use this truck and help him tow it back.  DH said ss30 showed signs of adulting since he asked nicely which was a change.  I barfed in my mouth a little and left the room. I don't know if DH realizes how unattractive it is when he coddles his grown son.  

I feel your pain. Sorry you have to deal with this as a newlywed.  My 2 cents, make your comfort and marriage your priority. SS is a temporary visitor and his launch plan should be openly discussed between all of you.  Don't shop or cook for him. don't clean up after him. Make him pay his fair share of utilities since it cost more for him to be there.  Turn the water heater down Know that if you assert your own feelings and needs things will probably get worse before/if they get better.