Intro: New mother surprised with a stepchild
I also posted about this on Reddit but I'm also going to give more information here. I found this site looking for SOMEWHERE to vent. Reddit also thought both kids were boys, which isn't the case. Stepchild is a girl, my baby is a boy.
I married my husband almost two years ago, and we just had our first child 6 months ago. We've been together three years total. My husband and I found out 4 months ago that he has a now almost 6 year old child. Apparently, she had tried to find him but "couldn't" and the only way she tracked him down was when I posted him on my fairly public social media involving my job. He doesn't use social media and had no idea that she had even gotten pregnant.
This has all gone through court and they have a step up order. We've just started doing weekend visits that will eventually go to 60/40. I didn't really have a choice in this because he insisted that he can't "abandon his child" and of course the implication that I have nowhere to go and no money. It's true, I have no safe family even slightly nearby and my friends don't have living situations that would be okay with a baby. It's not an explicit threat, but I can see reality and know when I'm stuck. He has been apologetic and promises that my life won't change, but this child's mother didn't get the memo.
We've had a few visits with the kid, and now the mother is complaining that I'm "too harsh" and shouldn't "expose myself" in front of the kid.
My crimes:
1. I yelled at them ONCE for sneaking into our bedroom without us knowing and messing with my jewelry box. My jewelry isn't costume jewelry, a lot of it is heirloom, and it is not a toy for a child!
2. Ww made the kid actually eat a vegetable, which did not involve yelling, but we make healthy food and will be expecting both children to eat what they're served.
3. I breastfeed, which for latching and comfort reasons, I do with my shirt off. It took almost two months to figure out that my baby won't latch unless I'm topless. The kid obviously saw this, because feeding a baby waits for nobody and I'm not hiding in my own house. I live here, and until recently was paying bills. According to her, I'm a criminal for letting her kid see boobs because now they're asking questions they're "too young for" according to her.
My husband is backing me on everything. He's incredibly apologetic and remorseful and agrees that I don't have to change anything for this woman. I'm furious at the idea that I have to negotiate my behavior and my household for someone that's essentially the other woman. This doesn't seem to me like a typical blended family situation. My family agrees with me mostly but some don't and say that I "need to adjust"??
I have the legal right to breastfeed wherever necessary. It's even legal here for women to walk around with no shirts on in public even, so...she can only make empty threats on a legal front. I will NOT accept second place in my household and I should have all kids under the same rules, and only have rules that align with my husband's and I's values.
Am I wrong here???
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Welcome to the site!
Welcome to the site!
You aren't the first person here with a surprise stepchild.
What prompted BM to come forward after 6 years? Did she have any explaination on why she kept your husband's child away?
As for veggies and breastfeeding- your house, your rules. Feeding your baby is a top priority. You can always ask SD to leave whatever room you are in to go play in her room for a little while so the baby can nurse comfortably.
According to her, she couldn
According to her, she couldn't find him. He doesn't use social media, and moved shortly after their fling and had changed his number.
My personal page is private, but I had a post with him in it in an event for my work, and she saw it.
I'm willing to bet BM came
I'm willing to bet BM came forward because she was jealous seeing that OP had a new baby...
No, you're not wrong, but you
No, you're not wrong, but you should expect a long road ahead. Also, I agree you shouldn't change the rules or hide in your house, but I imagine you will need to adjust to this big change in your life. It sounds like this BM is going to be high conflict.
She can rage as much as she
She can rage as much as she wants, but she's not changing me or my household.
She couldn't find him? Child
She couldn't find him? Child support offices are quite good at locating people through payroll tax reporting. I think she is lying... she had some other reason for not caring...like maybe a biyfriend that thought she was his or "played daddy" while they were together.
Also, I assume your husband had paternity testing completed?
Yes, he has.
Yes, he has.
I don't know that. According to her, she has not had other father figures around.
This is all new to her too.
This is all new to her too. Do not cave one inch! She will learn to adapt to your boundaries eventually but you need to remain consistent and militant about holding them. Would she like it if you told her how to live in her house? Of course not. You might have to try it to make a point.
Have you asked DH what he expects this too look like? You will need to bust that bubble he's living in. You won't be able to tell him, sounds like a knight on the white horse type (idiot in tinfoil really) he'll need to experience repeated failure of achieving his fantasy.
As for breastfeeding, kick SD out of the room to her space. You don't need to move, she can.
That's what I think is so
That's what I think is so crazy about the suggestions. I would never tell her how to live even though I disagree. She doesn't have some kind of unique leverage.
I'm not sure. I have already made it clear that I don't like the idea of a child calling me by my first name. She can call me Mom/mama [first name or not], Aunt [first name] or Ms. [first name]. Her choice.
BM wanted CS that why she found DH
At 60/40 she is not getting the CS she wanted. At 50/50 it's going to be less. First DH must be tested to make sure he's the father. Second you know BM want SD with her. BF getting EOWN to get max CS. She is going to make life hell for you until she gets her way. CPS will have you on speed dial
He has! SD is his child.
He has! SD is his child.
We exchange at a local police station that is informed of the situation.
Not wrong
Welcome to the site!
Sounds like a nightmare situation with BOTH BM and SD.
Thankfully your DH and you are a united front. That REALLY helps. Tremendously. It really isnt workable if your partner is not a true partner. But youve got at least 12 years to get through...
Ive got a frind (my DHs friend) who recently found out about a child who is around 5-6 right now. Hes got 2 previous baby mommas and his new partner just had a baby. So 4 baby mommas.
Thats great that SD has a father. Good luck getting full custody unless you are millionaires with a team of lawyers. Its next to impossible, unless the bio mother is a drug addicted prostitute that was arrested multiple times, to get full custody from bio mother. I personally would consider the costs...and stick with the 50/50...invest that money in security cameras and lock boxes, because if there are accusations flying around RIGHT NOW, it will continue and in fact escalate. And the child will be asked to contribute...
So - good luck and ignore the BM.
We are. My husband just said
We are. My husband just said that he would have tried if he knew about SD when the mother was pregnant.
Also I would NEVER have
Also I would NEVER have married my husband if I knew about any prior kids because I didn't want to be a stepmother. It's a role that typically demands a lot of sacrifice, and I knew I couldn't handle it (not saying it's right, but I know what our society is).
You are most definitely NOT
You are most definitely NOT wrong. YOU AND YOUR BABY are your husband's top priority. You are not obligated to change a thing because of this woman and child. I'd have a paternity test done ASAP ( If not already done so) . I agree, your home, your rules. If you want to raise your baby a certain way, the step kid will have to abide by those same rules while in your home . The BM can go suck rocks. Best of luck to you!
You're not wrong at all!
You're not wrong at all!
You run your household how you see fit
She has ZERO grounds whatsoever. Good for you for sticking to it. And it's great your DH is backing you, that can do WONDERS when dealing with a high conflict baby momma.
Grats on your new little one too!
Ignore her, but have a little
Ignore her, but have a little empathy she, like you, is probably adjusting to the situation. She is going from full control over her child, to none at all when your SD is with you.
Welcome to step talk.
Welcome to step talk.
Your home, your rules.
Sounds like you already know your rights. And you are not worried or afraid to stand your ground.
Your step childs mother has zero business telling you what to do when her boy is with his dad. Not now and not in the future.
Very funny that she could not find bio dad. .
IF she wanted to, she would have.
*one more thing...if she sends step child over with a cell phone, dad does NOT have to allow it in your home. BM's have a thing about making their kids take pictures,,,LOTS OF PICTURES or videos of your private home. "Show me how nice your room is, show me all the fine things your doing at dads...show me show ME show me!!!!!! Just be sure to give the child telephone access to call bm*
I didn't even think about
I didn't even think about this! Thanks.
We've agreed no cell phones until middle school, and no smartphones until high school. If the kid comes to our house with one, it gets taken away until she goes back to her mother's. We'll keep an eye on cameras in general, although I've decided that all pictures of her father that she can take home must have me in them and she can't take home pictures of our bio kid(s).