Coping with his disrespectful teenager
Hello, first I want to say thank you for this forum. I've enjoyed reading some of the posts. It's a relief knowing I'm not alone.
I've been with my fiance for 10 years. We were engaged to be married this year but had to postpone the wedding due to covid restrictions. Anyway, he has one daughter and I have no children. I used to think I was such a terrible person for not liking his daughter.
She was always a very standoffish, sensitive, entitled kid. Never said please or thank you, never did a single household chore. She wasn't terrible to be around. Just frustrating at times. And whenever I would get on her about cleaning up her messes my fiance would act like I was just being overbearing. Over the years, all of this has created some friction between us. Well, his daughter is now a teenager and she's unbearable to be around. She back talks constantly and she's still lazy and impolite. I don't like the way she treats her dad but he just tolerates it. I finally told him I don't like it when she comes to visit because she's so rude and disrespectful. I wouldn't have gotten away with half the stuff she says and does when I was her age. He shrugs it off as just typical teenager behavior and I am sure he resents that I don't love his child.
I just need some guidance on how to cope without coming off as a completely evil step mom. For now I just make myself really busy when she comes over to minimize the amount of time I have to spend with them.
You don't marry a man who has
You don't marry a man who has a child that he is failing to raise as a respectful person. You don't marry a man who dismisses your concerns and does nothing to make you feel more comfortable. You don't lock yourself into a relatioinship where you know you will have to spend significant amounts of time with an ill raised child that you don't like.
This will not get better because your fiance doesn't see any problem and doesn't care that he is raising a rude brat.
If you really want to stick it out then keep doing more of what you are doing and avoid and ignore her, don't do any of the parenting work - leave it all up to your husband. But it might be worth asking yourself if it is worth it, and what would you do if she ended up having to live with you and your fiance full time?
She will be off to college in
She will be off to college in 2 years (she has amibitions plans) and she hates our podunk town so I don't think living with us long term will ever be an issue. I am sure she wouldn't come to visit at all if her dad didn't force the issue. I agree with much of your assessement but at this point I don't think it's worth walking out on my fiance because I think this problem is temporary.
Temporary?
Temporary? There is no such thing as a temporary child. The temporary child may in a few years be the mother of the golden grandchild.
No. No. No. She will be
No. No. No. She will be causing problems for him and by proxy you if you stay, well into her golden years. How do we know this?
Sure, typical teens can be rude and nasty at times. But unless their parents actually do their jobs and issue consequences for that behavior, they become nasty, rude adults. She will feel entitled to treat him like garbage until he shows her that's unacceptable. If he refuses to do that: It. Will. Never. End.
Where ever she is, she will
Where ever she is, she will remain your partners ill raised, ill behaved prior failed family progeny. They never truly go away. They never stay completely gone.
Then.. when the ill behaved spawn spawn's themselves, the partners get all GKId focused and the entire shit storm just starts again.
The key is, a partner who has the intellect, testicular fortitude, and commitment to not raise an ill behaved failed breeding experiment and who will not tolerate that child to adversely impact your life and marriage.
Do not engage in a relationship with anyone who has an ill behaved child. Unless you want a relationship continually polluted by the influence if not the presence of that ill behaved kid.
You HOPE she will never live
You HOPE she will never live with you. My SS, also with ambitious plans who hated our town, left college after one semester and moved in with us. Then he couldn't/wouldn't hold a job, couldn't/wouldn't stay in school, etc. He finally grew up and is now self sufficient but it was painful for a long time. So don't say she'd NEVER do something.
Don't make decisions based on what you think will happen and hope will happen. Make decisions based on reality. And that reality is that your fiance's comfort in not parenting his rude daughter is more important than your happiness and respect. That is NOT what love looks like. His own comfort is even more important than raising a child to be a contributing member of society--he'd rather let her walk on him (and you) in the moment than correct behavior. He's doing HER a disservice too by being a selfish, lazy parent.
Real some of the adult forum posts. That is your future.
Why would you want a man who
Why would you want a man who accepts disrespect of you? Would he accept his best friend doing this to you? His parents? Siblings? Co-workers? A perfect stranger? Extensive list but you must see my point. Offsprings should no exception to the rule. (That's assuming everyone else respects your position in his life) It does not get better as she gets older because he set the precedent that's it's acceptable to treat you this way.
Why would you want a man who
Why would you want a man who accepts disrespect of you? Would he accept his best friend doing this to you? His parents? Siblings? Co-workers? A perfect stranger? Extensive list but you must see my point. Offsprings should no exception to the rule. (That's assuming everyone else respects your position in his life) It does not get better as she gets older because he set the precedent that's it's acceptable to treat you this way.