Growing up
So my sd9 is emotionally immature... she is closer to 6 than 9. I am not saying this to sound mean or judgmental, or critical. This is just the reality, and quite frankly understandable. (Although to be 100% honest can be very frustrating at times).
She has experienced a lot of physical and emotional neglect at the hands of her BM which is why my SO has primary custody and BM has supervised visits. Growing up in foster care myself, I know that with this kind of trauma...it is very common for children to be emtionally behind 2-3 years.
So this is where I need advice... she is just starting the lovely process of developing into a young adult... Yikes! To soon!
she is very open and likes to share everything with everyone! I don't want her to feel ashamed of her body, but I also want her to realize that somethings are not okay to just be talking about with anyone and everyone.
Because of her immaturity she also still behaves much younger than she is, she does not really understand personal physical boundaries. She will do cartwheels and have her shirt untucked, showing more than is appropriate, or when she is wearing a dress she will sit in a way that shows her underwear ( not trying to be provocative or anything... just unware if boundaries and what is appropriate)
She cannot just sit with my SO on the couch.... she has to be physically sitting on his lap, and constantly touching him, or curled right up to him. Now my SO is not a touchy feely kind of person so it's always been a little uncomfortable with him, but because she has always been a child that needs physical affection and cuddles, he has allowed it. When she was smaller and younger it was okay, but SO feels like this is something she should be growing out of and is not.
now that she is getting bigger, and not a small child or toddler it has started to become more awkward and uncomfortable for him to have her sitting in his lap and constantly in his personal physical bubble.
how do we address these behaviors with her without making her feel embarrassed, ashamed, or rejected. We both want her to feel loved and accepted but we also want to have healthy boundries. not only at home, but everywhere else to
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1. Is there any other female
1. Is there any other female family member that may be appropriate to start having some talks with her about changes in her body? or are you the only game in town?
2. Is her body actually changing to the point where a brief view of her chest is inappropriate? If so, it is probably time she be introduced to a cami or bralette to provide modesty in the case of these exhuberant cartwheels.
3. It's not a matter of shaming someone really.. you can matter of fact remind her that "your unders are showing".. or if she isn't able to be more "ladylike" in her sitting.. perhaps dresses and skirts aren't the right outfits.. or maybe some yoga shorts or leggings worn underneath for modesty?
4. Her dad is going to need to redirect her.. if he doesn't want her sitting on him... he can say he is too hot to have someone leaning on him.. that she is too big for him to have in his lap (though this could make her start thinking of ways to stay small.. not good really)
Thanks for the reply... as
Thanks for the reply... as far as females talking to her about her body... she has me and her Grammy. Grammy was thinking she had some kind of injury and took her to the doctor who basically informed them it was normal female development... so Grammy may not be the best option to have that talk with her.
she is not developed enough where a training bra is necessary yet, but old enough where she should not be exposing any part of her body that would be covered by a bathing suite. For her, when it comes to her body being exposed... she still processes it like a 6 year old... she doesn't see a problem with it. She would still run through the sprinklers in her underwear if she could. She just has a total lack of body awareness and boundries.
I have told her that she should wear shorts or something under her dress if she is not going to sit ladylike. But I feel like a broken record. Her response is to just pull down her dress... I have to be very firm and say either put shorts on or wear pants. Period!
she is not trying to push the rules or limits... she simply does not understand why it's an issue.
And you are spot on... if dad told her she was to big to sit on his lap, her response would be to curl up and make herself smaller. I think we need to just spell it out..: you are to old and dad wants space
I appreciate the feedback. Thank you
What about a tighter fitting
What about a tighter fitting cami? I had my daughter wear undershirts that didn't slip, then progressed to these bralettes that didn't have wire or support but were thick enough to keep her looking "modest." Then we went to sports bras, which she will probably stay in (she is LGBT so not super feminine.)
I did that.... she took off
I did that.... she took off her shirt and ran around in just her under shirt. ( this was at after school child care before her dad and I got out of work.... prior to COVID)When She was told her "no" she argued that it was a shirt... it was a tank top. It caused a big scene and everyone was starring. She was not uncomfortable with it because she liked having everyone pay attention to her, but genuinely lacked an understanding of why it was inappropriate.
I had talked with her before hand and made it very clear that an undershirt is just like underwear.
Also if she is getting older
Also if she is getting older but still has the lack of modesty of a small child, i worry she may be at risk of predators. Some awareness is needed to be able to recognize what is appropriate for her own protection, in my opinion.
You are spot on! I want her
You are spot on! I want her to understand this but I don't know how to teach her about this. i don't want her to be in constant fear of people, I also don't want her to every think that if something happens to her it was her fault because of how she dressed or acted.
I want her to understand that she needs to protect herself by being more modest but i don't want her to feel ashamed of her body.
It's sort of a fine line.
It's sort of a fine line. Similar to wanting your kid to be heathy and in shape without developing an eating disorder. The fact that you care will go a long way.
I like that you are being
I like that you are being careful of not wanting to foster any seeds of body shaming with her.. it's clear you care about her development.
One thing I might do is help her make better decisions on "dressing for her day". Perhaps dresses and skirts and flowy tops are more appropriate for certain activities.. and the shorts/leggings and the more modest level tops for days that are "play". basically so she can keep her "nice things nice" and play clothes for play.
I have to say, it's a tough age.. at her age I was very much a tomboy.. thought it was super unfair that I couldn't go shirtless like all the boys who were my friends.. I looked the same as them..lol. But I know girls are developing much earlier now.. so she probably needs to have the "your body is good.. but different.. normal.. but girls can't go around without shirts.. or shirts flying up.. "
When I met my step daughter
When I met my step daughter she wood adjust her behavior over the time we saw her and act more and more immature. Maturity in kids is directly linked to your expectations for them. When she was still young SD was drawn to me because I had more grown-up expectations for her and I think she enjoyed being treated like a bigger girl and not baby. I made her open her own car door, cut her own food, going to the bathroom stalls by herself, I even let her put a cookie sheet in the oven.
stuff like this can make a kid very proud of themselves which is good for their self-esteem. If your SD is dressing herself then I think this is a good time to address some of these things. Show her how to dress appropriately and how to sit properly have her mimic you. If you also link this to another more mature activity she will probably eat it up. you can even make it a game about teaching etiquette and the proper spoons forks napkin placement and all that. She might even think that it's fun.
She does dress herself... but
She does dress herself... but there have been times where I have had to tell her what she is wearing is not appropriate...like when she knots her T-shirt's to make them a belly shirt. ( I was raised by old school foster parents and was raised to be very modest). I can't believe they make kids belly shirts and I refuse to buy them for her.
i do try and set an example for her as far as how to act...but she is defiantly her own person with a very different personality than I had at her age.
I love the idea of approaching it as an etiquette! She would defiantly respond to that! Great advice thank you!
These are the kinds of things
These are the kinds of things that are taught when raising a child. The problem is that everyone tiptoes around skids so they miss a lot of lessons, or the lessons get missed due to constant shuffling between homes or parents trying to be liked more than the other. Whoever does the primary parenting, or a trusted female, will have to teach SD these things if her mother isn't capable or willing.
I agree with the poster who suggested it's time for a bra or bralette. Also, maybe framing things in a way like "as we get older (instead of bigger), it's time to act in a more grown-up way." Promote an image of a classy young lady (or young adult if you don't want to emphasize gender.) If she does something inappropriate like the lap-sitting/hanging, or showing her underwear, "Remember, people who are grown up don't....."
I do this with my daughter and it has worked. I know it's hard with a skid, especially if you don't feel like you have full authority in your home.
When it comes to who will
When it comes to who will talk to her, coach her, or guide her, her BM is unable to ( for Christ's sake she tried to teach her last summer when she was 8 to "always match your underwear to your outfit and keep your hair long or the boys will chase you") Her BM is the LAST person that should talk to her about body development. After she spent last summer with her... visits were modified to supervised visits only.
my SO does give me full authority to handle these kinds of talks, lessons, and rules about what is appropriate.
I'm still worried about not making her feel ashamed or embarrassed. She is just so different than I was as a kid. I was always very shy and modest as a child and she is such an extrovert who really loves when all eyes are on her... even when she's getting in trouble. The biggest lesson I want to teach her is that respecting others personal boundries, setting and following boundries when it comes to her body is a sign of self respect, and not just something she has to do or she will get a lecture from me.
It's sad that her BM is no
It's sad that her BM is no help. She is lucky to have you in her life because it's obvious you want what's best for her. I think you have the right idea in that boundaries ensure she acts with respect toward herself and others. This will in turn help her grow into a person people want to be around vs a person who people dread being around because her actions make them uncomfortable, and that will help her self-esteem. I feel bad for some of these skids. They were never taught how to act, so people avoid them or aren't nice to them, and they truly have no idea why.
I thinks it's commendable
I thinks it's commendable that you are trying to avoid shaming her but it's really not about shaming her and making her realize that she doesn't live in an isolated world. There are other people out there and to fit in these are the expectations in this house that we follow. Right of passage benchmarks are a great tool, I used them with my daughters. At this age you get/do this, and so on. This also includes limits on not giving her too much to soon, she does need to "earn it". I do believe, after being around here for 10+ years, that many divorced parents give into their kids out of guilt and stop saying no to them. They don't let them fail, which is a great teacher. Spell out a few simple expectations for SD that bug you the most, post them on the fridge or where she can refer to them. There are a couple of great books out there, American Girl has a body book that is a great book to have in hand.
Also get rid of the clothes that aren't appropriate anymore if you haven't. Many places have "cartwheel " shorts, knit shorts that fit tight and give coverage. My 11yo wears them.
Maybe get her a book about
Maybe get her a book about her changing body, that's what I did for BD when she started sprouting the buds and asking questions. I read it with her and then she started reading it on her own.
It sound like DH is going to have to be firm when it comes to no longer sitting on his lap, maybe just here you can sit by me, but you can't sit on my lap anymore its uncomfortable.
Also for the clothing, maybe invest in some skorts so she can still feel like she's wearing a dress but it has pants on instead.
This is what I was going to
This is what I was going to say. I did get the SDs each a book with DH's permission. OSD read it and asked questions now and then but YSD, not sure if she read it at all. She was horrified. She will not talk about body issues at all. And as the parent, nothing I can do about that. I think the books ended up at BMs because they disappeared from our home quickly.
DH has to take the lead here, unless you are in public. Then I'd be firm and set boundaries, and if they aren't met, leave.
I agree with the suggestions
I agree with the suggestions that ESMOD provided, but I also think SD needs to have a place where she can be "immodest", as well as have some way for her physical affection needs to be met.
Perhaps it's about having "bedroom outfits", "house outfits", and "public outfits". Bedroom she can wear nothing or anything. In the house, a camo and shorts or skirt is fine. In public, skirts have to have leggings and camis always have to have another top. That gives her some freedom to wear clothes how she wants while also reframing how clothes have to work in different places.
As for physical affection, consider buying some body pillows and weighted blankets for her to wrap up in. Your DH could start putting a pillow next to him for SD to lay her head on so that she is close by and he can pat her on the head from time to time but keep his physical distance. He should also consider doing some physical activities with her that would show her he cares - learn to do her hair and braid it from time to time, take a dance class with her, etc. Telling a young person who craves physical attention that it's forbidden is only going to push them to seek it from others. It's better to teach boundaries and acceptable forms of physical interaction.
Have her wear shorts under
Have her wear shorts under her dresses and skirts. If she is sitting with her skirt raised then remind her to pull it down. If she is just being a kid and cartwheeling etc then the shorts will keep her covered but let her enjoy herself.
Dad needs to find ways to provide some physical contact but in ways in which he is more comfortable.
Physical contact is very important for humans and especially children dealing with abandoment/attachment issues. I have also read that a lot of kids are being more physical right now because they are not able to get the touch that they would normally get at school playing with thier friends or hugs from grandma etc. Finding the correct balance will be tricky, but dad being able to vocalize and assert his own boundaries will help sd find ther words to insist that hers are respected as she grows and encounters more adult experieces too.