You were all right. The mini-wife is back, it didn't take long and I am a fool for thinking I could tame this beast. University started this week after the COVID19 shut and on Sunday the question came; SD20 wants to come and stay. My heart jumped. I thought I had made my position clear that I don't want her to stay over anymore and I was so disappointed. I kept it together and said I can handle a once-off visit but not a regular every-week-kind-of-arrangement. DH got his nose out of joint and said he wants all his kids to be welcome at any time. He says that a lot, because he knows I only have an issue with OSD, not YSD and SS. It is mini-wife SD20 that I have an issue with but that is offensive to him and he cannot accept that.

Anyway, she decided that she had somewhere else she needed to be the next day so she no longer wanted to stay over which was great, and she parked her car at our house and then stayed for dinner. All was well. Only a few comments that caused me to raise an eyebrow and only one head rub for SO but otherwise all was good. Then she went home (20 minute drive). Great.

The next day I had organised for bridesmaids dress shopping (because I had been lulled into a false sense of security thinking SO had finally listened to me and the wedding can proceed) and took my DDs and invited SD20 along to try on some dresses. YSD couldn't make it. To cut a long story short, SD20 is by far the biggest of the girls and there were only a few sizes left of the dress we had picked out and SD20 squeezed into a dress I had set aside for DD16 and then proceeded to go on and on about how fat she felt being in that size, meanwhile DD16 who already has body complex issues got upset as she was left with the dress that was 2 sizes up and had to be altered. I didn’t manage it well and didn’t (in hindsight I should have) intervene in the discussions but it resulted in DD16 feeling sad because SD20 made her feel fat and ugly. I felt completely devastated that I had failed to protect her feelings from nasty, manipulative and self obsessed SD20.

Later in the evening SO and I had a talk about the situation and though he recognises that SD20 should not inflict her body image issues onto a 16 year old he still refuses to acknowledge that his daughter causes these dramas. I decided to have it all out with him and rattled off a long list of stuff she has said and done over the last few months and SO cross examined me on every single one like I was under oath with the objective of proving to me that it is all in my head and that I am the crazy one. For example he said a number of times “wow, if only SD20 knew what powers she holds over people! Impressive!” In a very sarcastic tone of voice.

He had a response to everything. SD20 still talks excessively about memories from their previous family holidays, shows photos she has accumulated on her phone of SO's old family including BM, plus admits she only ever dates guys that are like her dad. He doesn’t think there is anything wrong with any of that and she is just sharing and being caring, and gets angry when I suggest that he doesn't get anywhere near as excited and bouyant when his other children announce they are coming to visit us.

He then raised his voice saying that my DDs are not angels either and he has had to adjust to living with us too, to which I agreed, they are not perfect and can be little brats, but this is their home and they are minors and can you please not take that tone with me. No, that didn’t cut it and he then started at me for not being able to take what I dish out. He said “Oh so when the tables are turned you can’t accept any responsibility”. I shut down completely when someone goes at me like that and it felt like he used a diversion tactic that just made no sense in the moment.

We are forever going around in circles with no resolution and it always ends with me caving and things continue the way they are, until the next time. So, the wedding must be cancelled, I can really see that now.

Thanks to all for your support and advice, it is invaluable to have people who understand and can relate.