Envy his ex-wife‘s life (got married...)
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My husband's ex-wife got married today and I am feeling sad and frustrated.
Due to Covid and my family living abroad we ended up getting married just the two of us in March (during the lockdown).
I haven't seen friends or family for a year now and his ex just got married surrounded by friends and family. She got engaged and married super quickly and things seem to be so much easier for her and the new guy.
Meanwhile we are stuck in another state for from the kids (whom I love very much) trying to find jobs so we can move back and see them regularly.
How do you guys deal with triggers like this and make sure you stay positive?
xoxo
I totally understand how you
I totally understand how you feel. Just know that one sure things are not as perfect as you think they are. Things are never perfect. For anyone. Try to focus on making your family happy. I've let my partners toxic ex get the better of me for a long time. It's taken me a long time to realize that she's not happy. She's bitter. She is also trying to out do us.
My theory
This isnt exactly like your situation but my private theory is that there is a correlation between how much is spent on a wedding and how long it lasts: the less spent, the longer it lasts. Im making a little joke here but I've seen this often be the case.
My DH and I we're married in a private ceremony, too, so private that it was only us and a justice of the peace in Las Vegas. Once in awhile I get wistful that I don't have what others do, wedding pictures, in particular. On the other hand, I have something many don't have, a 46-year marriage to a good man.
I'm sorry you are separated and missing family. At some point, this will be over. I'd try to put the ex out of your mind as much as possible. It's good that she had a new DH, it should stabilize things. Who knows whats down the road for her, or any of us. Important thing is you have your dear DH and all are healthy. Good luck.
We did the same thing in
We did the same thing in Vegas! It was a great time and everyone I wanted to be there was there (no one). We had a party for our friends and family a couple months later but I don't regret getting married on the cheap at all.
No regrets
I dont regret it, either. Long story but no one on either side was happy about it. It seemed easiest, it seemed like "us" and here we are 46 years later
I am completely on board with
I am completely on board with the model of wedding you and your SO have followed.
The wedding for my first marriage was the social event of the season in my IL's world/town. They spent insane money. As it turned out... That 2.5 year marriage cost my ILs ~$10K per year. It was not my style, or my family's style. My IL's asked my parents to split the cost of the wedding. My parents refused and counter offered that they would give us a check for half of the cost of the wedding if my ILs gave us a check for half the costs of the wedding and my XW and I could do with it what we wanted. Wedding, down payment for a house, invest... what ever we chose. My XMIL was hell bent on her daughter having the wedding of the season. So, my parents did only what the family of the groom is traditionally expected to do. The flowers, tuxedos, and rehersal dinner. My XILs grumbled about that for the entire duration of that blessedly short message.
My DW of 26+ years and I had an announced elopement to Lake Tahoe. We gave both families 2wks notice. No one from my IL's came except for my DW's Aunt and Uncle. My mom was there, my brother and his family was there (Bro, SIL, 5mo old niece), my college BFF and his GF. That was it. Other than DW, SS, and I. My dad could not make it from overseas. My ILs refused to come. In fact they pretty much had nothing to say to me for the first two years we were married. They were wary of me being 11.5 years older than my DW, they were wary that I had been married before, and they were wary about some stranger being around their then less than 2yo GSon.
For 20 years that was our wedding story. When we had been married for 18 years I suggested to my DW that we renew our vows on our 20th. Most people do that at 25 but I was no confident that my FIL would be around to walk my DW down the isle if we waited until our 25th. As it turned out... I was sadly right. FIL passed 13mos before our 25 anniversary. I told my DW to go nuts and have the wedding she wanted. She being the CPA budget queen was not about to bankrupt us on a vow renewal celebration but she did a beautiful wedding for a very reasonable price. The second time, all of my IL clan was there, my mom and dad and several of my extended family were there, and most of our closest friends were there. It was at a beautiful award winning winery in the Wilamette Valley not far from the small town my DW grew up in. She chose wonderful providers for catering, her dress, make up, photography, etc.... Interestingly a few months after our vow renewal every one of her selected wedding experience providers won Best Of awards for that year. I gave her a new rock for our anniversary that year, SS officiated the renewal ceremony, and we were surrounded by friends, family, and most of our loved ones.
We have always made our lifes primarily distant from either of our extended families though we have lived nearer to mine than hers. We have always made an effort to spend time with both families though we have never made any of them our life.
I am definately team elope. My dad once told me that the cost of the wedding has nothing to do with the quality of the commitment. Dad is absolutely right on that. $25K+ for 2.5 years of marriage Vs. $500 for 26 years and counting. Not counting the vow renewal celebration.
I applaud you and your SO on your relationship accomplishment.
I don't recognize triggers.
I don't recognize triggers. If you have no triggers, you don't have to deal with the drama they cause. I particularly can avoid triggers when it comes to things that are beyond my ability to influence or control.
BM met, got engaged, and married in short order. The odds of her marriage succeeding were slim and none to begin with. They are even lower considering the rapidity of her current relationship. Nothing to trigger on there that I can determine.
Covid... nothing to trigger on there either. There is nothing any of us can do about Covid other than use our heads and be safe. It impacts everyone's lives. It limits travel, keeps families apart, and impacts the job market.
The job market. That too is beyond anyone's control. Stay the course on your search and eventually it will be successful.
I completely understand the strain of being internationally separated from your family. For most of my life my parents were Expats and once I launched we were rarely on the same continent. Eventually my wife and I were also Expats and were separated from her family and mine and were rarely on the same continent. Now it is our son's turn to be an Expat and for the past three years he has been an Expat and we are rarely on the same continent. The beauty is that even in the world of Covid, you can get to them, or they can get to you in 24-ish hours in an emergency. We learned 40 years ago how to remain close as a family and to have intense connection and personal relationships as a family when various members of the family are distributed througout the world. Even before that we learned how to be close to both sides of my family. Long before even international phone lines in personal homes in Asia and the Middle East, before the PC was even an idea, before email, texting, cell phones, etc..... Deep breaths. You can do it too.
I stay out of my own head. It works out better that way. Celebrate your new marriage, use the technologies at your finger tips to remain connected to your family, the Skids, and to stay relevant in their lives. Use this Skid free time to cement your new marriage with incredible 1:1 experiences with your groom.
Take control... and ignore the triggers. They do no one any good and are just excuses.
IMHO of course.