Dump the turd, flush him down the toilet with all the other sh*t and move on.

So she kept his son from him for several years and the only solution he could find was to go back to her? Sorry, not buying that. He only went to a lawyer AFTER that? What happened? Did she turn him down? I certainly would have.. Who would take a man back if he dumped them right after they gave birth?! So he begged you to come back. Add to that his dishonesty, his facility for lying and his lack of stability ... why are you even thinking of giving him another chance. How many does he get before you move on definitively? You are being sucked in until the next time. Do you want children of your own? Imagine how anxious you would be during your pregnancy with the fear and stress that he might up and leave you for someone else at that time.

I agree with the other posters that this isnt the relationship for you and I think you know it.  I sense you are concerned about how to make the break and I don't know enough of your enmeshment details to comment.

But look at it this way.  Often on Steptalk, we talk about the "work" that must be done before a parent is ready for another relationship.  Usually, we are talking about a non-custodial dad.  They have to have their own place to live with appropriate furnishings for a child's visit ( beds, refrigerator, etc).  They have to have a legal custody order that spells out their child support and visitation.  They have to be abiding by their custody order for awhile.  They have to have had enough time doing visitation that their child is comfortable and abiding by Dad's rules.  How does your BF stack up?  Do you think, as a parent, that he's ready for a new relationship?

It doesn't really matter what he does or doesn't do. He betrayed your trust and now your thoughts are understandably  constantly caught up in wondering if he can be trusted. You deserve to believe in your partner and have a partner that you KNOW wouldn't go behind your back. You don't need the added stress in your life of always wondering what is going on with him, his ex and any other women. 

Unless you two get some seriuos councilling to work through this your trust in your boyfriend is unlikely to come back. Even then the therapy might not work.

Breaking up is hard, but sometimes it is necessary to move on and start fresh with someone else. 

It's funny how we can see the red flags in someone else's situation but it's harder when you are in it. This guy sounds like someone who can't be relied upon when things get hard. It sounds like he makes decisions based on his emotions and what serves him best.

He did it to BM by having an emotional affair with a coworker (I'm guessing) for several years before leaving her with a young child. Years. He probably has a lot of practice hiding communication. Now he is doing it to you when things get hard (hard to see his kids.) What you know about between him and BM may just be the tip of the iceberg. No telling what he's told her.

It's crappy to do to her, too, to lead her on. He needs to prove his commitment to you by getting a CO and following it, and fully separating emotionally from BM. Also, have you met the kids and seen how he is with them? If not, you truly don't know if stephell awaits. Be careful. 

OP, what kind of man is having an affair while his wife has just had a baby? The selfish kind - who is more concerned about his own happiness than anyone else's.

I do think many cheaters cheat again, but it really depends on the nature of the cheating and the motivation for it. In most cases, cheaters are either self-centered people who want to have their cake and eat it too, or people who don't have the courage to leave a bad relationship before they start a new one. 

Either way, they demonstrate that they can't be trusted to handle tough situations in ways that don't hurt other people.  You can't trust him, and rightly so - he's not trustworthy.  Can he become trustworthy? Maybe. Are you willing to wait around to find out?

If there's a relationship you don't want to have to be hyper-vigilant about, it's the one with your life partner.  That is pretty much a guarantee of an anxiety filled, miserable life.

I don't think your boyfriend is honorable or trustworthy.  He had an emotional affair with you while he was with BM, and right after she had a baby to boot.  Then he betrayed you and discussed getting back together with BM.  On top of that, he seems to do whatever makes things easy for him with his child, which probably means a lifetime of not being the priority.  I don't know why you'd ever trust this man.You deserve a life that doesn't include hyper-vigilance and waiting for the next shoe to drop.

I'd move on and hold out for a man of character.  Your current boyfriend does not fit that bill.

The worst kind of cheater is the man who cheats on a pregnant wife/gf or right after the baby is born - the most vulnerable time in a woman's life. This man is a straight up loser and I'm not even sure why would have such low amount of respect for yourself to be with such a garbage human being. And maybe this is karma for being the other woman at the worst possible time. Sorry not sorry

This is not meant to be unkind.  The guy is a complete loser and you fell for him and still are to your own detriment.  (The poor children in his life...)  If I were you, I would seek therapy immediately to help you with your anxiety and lack of self esteem.  Save yourself--leave him.  

He's a complete loser.  Get ahold of yourself and stop seeing him ever.  Get some friends to help you stay the course as you do so!  You are worth more than this, but you have to believe it.    

I am also a generally anxious person.

Perhaps someone else could make this work -- a woman with a huge personality and confidence to fuel it, for example. But the trust issue for an anxious person is like...a recovering addict dating an active addict or a bartender. It might work, but it will take more work and it might never feel that great.

It sounds a bit to me as if he's giving her a chance to clean up her act, and if she does, he might be lured back.

This guy sounds flaky. And you put yourself in a tough situation by being the other woman -- that means he might choose you, but he has to give up something else that he loves to have you. Why start out behind the 8 ball like that? You could start fresh with someone who has no hindrances, obligations or baggage.

Let him go figure out his mess. If you wait in the wings while he deals with his baggage, you're wasting precious time and risking coming out empty handed. You're worth more than that.

Whatever you decide, you are in for a rough ride. The way you got together was not a good sign or start. The actions he took to go back for the sake of contact is not good either. You may never know the 'truth'.

My partner did all kinds of 1-2-1 things 'for the kid' because his ex was controlling & he feared 1) contact being stopped & 2) expensive legal fees. Both things occurred anyway once his ex found out that he had a girlfriend that he had not told her about (me). We did not have an affair though (met 6 months after they were living in separate homes).

These situations do not get easier when the Mum is controlling, vindictive, uses contact with the child as a weapon or where Dad will not stand up to her or go formal to remove her control.

We ended up with a very expensive court case & have a court order. This has helped but Mum still won't give an inch of variance, controls whatever she can, blows hot & cold with my partner & ignores me & my kids despite us being great with her son. Trust me, it stays hard. When parents have this type of complicated relationshipn it is very hard to be around as it does affect you too.

I don't know how you can learn to trust him. I struggle even now affter 3.5 years & our own baby. The other Mum will always have some kind of hold, input, be a distraction etc. You definitely need firm boundaries. I doubt you can ever expect a good relationship with the Mum though given the affair. The kid is unlikely to think highly of that either in future.