That whole wedding thing, I never understood it.  I hsd a medium-sized wedding the first time.  There's the fantasy as illustrated in the bridal magazines, then there's the reality of endless planning, expense, hurt feelings, obligations.  I can't honestly say I enjoyed wedding #1. 

Wedding #2, DH and I were both recent divorcees with 5 kids between us.  We were living together and neither his nor my family was thrilled about it.   just the thought of trying to plan something that did not hurt anybody's feelings was overwhelming.  The bottom line was it was all about the two of us in spite of anybody's opinion.  We flew to Las Vegas and were married in the courthouse.  It was perfect for us.

My next wedding experience was planning SD's first.  It was a fairly big wedding and a lot of work for me.  BM did absolutely nothing so on top of working full time, having 5 kids at home and attending night school, I had to do ALL the planning and work.  Funny thing, I knew at the time it wouldn't last but I could tell a baby wouldn't be long in coming.  The clincher was when they went on their honeymoon but came home early because........wait for it.......They didn't have anything to do!   Lol

Anyway, Tessa, I guess you can tell I'm not into the wedding thing.   They are very over-rated, in my experience.  Good luck, whatever you do.

.  

I was not in your position, both of my weddings were small and intimate, and I was happy with that.  But as a first time bride, if big weddings are your thing, I can understand you feeling short changed at not getting one.  I think for us second timers, particularly if the first wedding was a big, flashy affair, there might be almost a feeling of embarrassment - ie a big wedding does NOT make necessarily for a successful, long marriage.   My wedding to DH was what you might term a "courthouse wedding" in the UK.  We were married by a registrar in the venue we had chosen for our reception, and the only attendees were my two daughters and their partners, and DH's two daughters.  Nevertheless it was a lovely occasion, we had a private company in to decorate the room where we had a meal afterwards, and it was extremely relaxed.  One of my daughters and one of his, did readings.   

This is my first marriage and DH's third. We eloped and got married with only our two best friends. Like JRI and Kes, I never wanted a big wedding for many reasons. I wouldn't see it as you not being worth it, so much as he doesn't want such a big affair this go-round. I'd also make sure you want a big wedding for the right reasons, since no, not all women want them, they are a huge expense and hassle.  But you should for sure have more say in it than he's giving you now. 

This is my first marriage and his second.  He had a low budget church wedding with family with his ex.  Ours was just an officiant behind a county building with no witnesses, no pictures, no nothing. It was like running an errand. We had to stay quiet it about because he didn't want to make her angry.  For me the vows is just lip service. He already gave those promises to her.

I don't like to be center of attention so a big wedding is not something I would want but it would be a nice feeling to know it was an option of he wants what I want. Its a punch in the gut when you get "well, I already gave that experience to the ex and I dont want to do it again with you".

I know I sound salty. This second wife stuff is for the birds.  But as beautiful a big fancy wedding sounds, its a way overpriced industry and a waste of money.  I rather spend the money on a vacation of a lifetime or on a house.

Who paid for DH first wedding ?   Did he , or ex s family.   Who's is going to paid for yoir wedding ?  Do you have the money ?  
My DW had a big first wedding.  By the time for my wedding there was no one who was going to pay that type of money for us.  So we had a small affair.  
Like thirty tears latter. DW was talking on the phone. And said she's was happy that her brother had a big wedding the second time around.  That really hurt me 

I had a very nice wedding when I married DH (my first, not his first). It was held at my parents' home, but we had the catered sit down dinner, the reception with music and dancing, open bar, photographer, gorgeous flowers, etc. for around 75 people. It was larger and nicer than DH's prior wedding.  In retrospect, we should have taken the money my parents offered in lieu of a wedding.  The wedding was nice, but I've come to realize that the wedding is just a big party and the marriage is what's important.

Also, my DH didn't care a bit about the wedding - or about his first wedding. Many men don't. Perhaps your SO's elaborate first wedding was his ex's dream, not his, and he would have preferred something different. Or maybe he learned from the first one that big weddings aren't worth it to him. Regardless, you should have a say in what the two of you do, and it should be unrelated to what he's done in the past.

This is my first, and DH's third marriage. We got married in our living room with just the minister, my sister, and DH's sister. We did have a simple reception at a later date at our home for friends and family.

I have never been into big ceremonial shindigs/shows and I believe that big weddings are such a waste of money (and a lot of stress). Like Chandler on Friends said, "I'm not gonna spend all the money (his life savings) on a party."

Surely, the two of you can come to some compromise and do something that you are both happy with? I mean, I can see why a ceremony/bbq in his mother's backyard does not appeal to you (even with the pretty roses). You can have a great, meaningful, ceremony without going overboard, and without a grill.

I have never cared what my DH did with either of his other wives (including having a kid with each of them), I am the only wife that matters, now. Please don't let his past interfere with your present. He's with you, now, and unless he personally does something to make you feel less than, there is no reason to feel insecure. Don't compare your life with him, with his life with his ex.

My wife had been married before, and called herself a 'recycled bride'. To suit the recycling theme, she found a vintage dress for the occasion that was being auctioned for a charity.  That was 18 years ago (and never regretted it).

It seems to me that the point of getting married is the relationship, not the wedding ceremony. 

I can testify that it is possible, in fact easy, to have a thoroughly enjoyable wedding without spending a fortune, for we did just that. We were married in Whitby, North Yorkshire (UK) on a Saturday. Several friends and relatives living further away booked themselves into hotels in the town and made a seaside weekend of it. On the Friday night we stayed in the town too, and joined a number of others already there for an Indian restaurant meal (remote-hosted, so to speak, by my father who was too unwell to travel but had made arrangements with the restaurant then told us to go there). Next morning we were married in the main room of the registry office, which held the 40-odd friends and relatives who attended. After the ceremony we all walked down the hill to a fine old pub by the harbour where the landlady had reserved one of the saloon rooms for us and produced an apparently endless buffet, and settled in for the afternoon. The bride, her ex's new wife, and two ex-girlfriends of mine formed a huddle for a while, and her ex and I thought it wiser not to seem too inquisitive so we went off to another of the bar-rooms together until the ladies had circulated and the coast was clear. My unofficial step-kids (those ex's boys) and my newly-minted official ones formed another mysterious huddle for a while. My new-made stepdaughter got her four parents organised for a series of photos posed around her. Generally a good time was had by all. Eventually the party dispersed, we went home for the night, then off next morning to Souvala, Greece, for a week's honymoon. Total cost of the wedding day - about the same as a week's worth of my salary.

Have the wedding that you and SO want. 

No other weddings matter but yours.

Who had been married prior. His wedding to exwife she wanted glam everything, hubby had to buy her wedding giftfs, give her money so she could buy him gifts then wanted more gifts and money and had her brother and father who were police officers threaten my husband for more money. 
 

exwife wanted a blinged up wedding as a narc she needed to make herself relevant and important.

we decided on a garden wedding and honeymoon to europe for 2 weeks. it was at a venue that had a nice garden and reception area. Hubby splurged on that but after our guests gifted money, hubby was out of pocket $5000 for it.

i loved our wedding because it was unique, simple and elegant. My dress and the natural location just made things seem perfect and I wouldn't change it for anything. Poor and normal middle class people are insane to wadte a shitload of money on people eho will not help you out when you fall on hard find

My husband had two weddings to BM, a small one and a huge one,  complete with all the pre-parties and events. He knew that it was a waste of money but would never tell BM no. The horrible thing is BM was already cheating at this point but the big catholic wedding was supposed to "undo" that.

We eloped in Vegas. It was fun, but honestly, I didn't want to do a wedding where his guests would just be comparing it to the first. 

Is a big/formal wedding something you have always wanted? 

IMHO this could be a much larger problem for you than "just the wedding"? Could this end up being your life? Will your life turn into one big... husband has already done "x" when he was married before so now I am "out of luck" or can't have/do similar (even though that is what you really want)? 

While you shouldn't make comparisons, neither should he. Why does what he thinks automatically trump what you think/want?

ETA: I just read only the headings of all your other posts. This is not the relationship for you. Find someone that can have a life with you...be it they have never been married, or can have a relationship with you without all the former family bs. 

Look, in steplife you HAVE to stand up for yourself. Your wants and needs MATTER, and your guy should want to make you happy.  What are you, some doormat desperate for someone to marry her? No? Then don't accept scraps. YOU are The Catch here, not some divorced guy with baggage. The fact that he doesn't want to give you the same special dream wedding he got to have is a big red flag of selfishness.

Instead of feeling hurt and trying to talk yourself into somehow being happy with less like a good little martyr, you need to put on your bi!ch boots, grab a whip, and school the Hell out of your bf. Be a queen, and require more of him! No way, No how should you accept less. You're supposed to decide what you want in life, then find a mate that fits, not suffer for someone else's failures.

I have two friends that married, for the first time what is considered late. One was in her 50s and one had just turned 60. Both had the wedding they had always wanted. Bridal shower, dress, church, reception, honeymoon., the whole nine yards. One groom had been married once, the other twice.

Being married before doesn't mean you can't have a big wedding. Just as not being married means you need a big wedding. Couples need to navigate weddings together. One part of the couple doesn't get to use "I did it before so we can't do it" as a reason. I'd be tempted to tell him that since he had s** with his ex.....

You sound conflicted.Most wedding plans have some drama attached to them. It doesn't matter if it is a big wedding or small it is about finding a balance that works for both of you.

So let's start with your blog and all the posts you got. First off their are women on here who will always say to leave your guy if you don't get what you want. You don't need to put on your b!tch boots or your walking boots because you are having conflicting feelings about what kind of wedding you want. That is insane. You have been living with this man and from what you shared with us you both want to get married. You are entering a marriage together. So you both must love each  other.

He wants an intimate affair and you would like some frills. This is your first marriage so of course you are wanting something different than him. How big is your mothers backyard? Backyard evening weddings can be beautiful. You can rent a tent and have tables with linen and flowers. Lighting around the tent and all the frills you would like. Just a smaller guest list. Pick what music you both would like to have.I would splurge on the perferct dress and photographer. Write your own vows and and share them with the most important people in your life. You can still have an elegant wedding where ever it is just on a smaller scale.The size doesn't matter. Don't get discouraged. Good luck.

39 is not that old. You make it sound like he is your last chance!

How bad do you want kids? Would you consider being a single mother with a sperm donor? Adoption? Don't give that up if that is what you really want!

Also, while there are few never-married men our age, there are many who were married years ago but never had kids, or whose kids are grown or nearly grown (may have to go a few years older but not that many.) You are settling big time. I mean, i am too to some extent, but i did have a wedding before and i do have kids. Do not be relegated to a supporting character in your own life!

ETA i see that you do have a child that you decided to have on your own. At least there's that. But still, find a different guy. 

Do not settle!  39 is not old!  I got married in my late 30s. However, being single is MUCH better than being in a relationship with someone who doesn't deserve you.  Dont settle. There is so much good in this world waiting to meet you!

DH and BM had a big expensive wedding...not classy, but BM's family spent a lot of money on it, which was ironic because they were doomed from the start (DH's best friend who was his best man tried to talk him out of marrying BM before the ceremony).

Our wedding was my first and I was fine with eloping, but DH thought my family deserved a big wedding. We had around 100 people - 93 of whom were my friends and family - and it was a great time. It wasn't exactly what I wanted (I wanted a fall wedding, but it was near my family out of state, so it had to be over the summer so skids could attend, my family is Catholic and even though I'm not overly religious, I felt a bit sad that I couldn't have a church wedding since I think it would have meant a lot to my parents), but everyone had a great time, the food was delicious, and the venue had sentimental value for me. 

If it's your first wedding, try to do what you would want to make it special for you. Don't worry about what your DH did before and don't worry about what people will think. It should be about you on your day...not anyone else.

First if you are already starting out comparing your wedding to your SO's first wedding it is setting the precedent for a very unhappy life together.  While many of us have spent time comparing, it will only bring you heartache.  You also should not make any of the decisions on your life together based on what he did in the past.  Past is Past and if at all possible keep it there.  I think you need to resolve some of those feelings before you walk down the isle ...

I think you need to search your soul and decide what it is you do want. If it is a big wedding and you pass it up because you feel your SO has been there done that, I think every anniversary,  if not every day you will regret it.  You can't compare like that or everything you do together will become oh he has done this before with her.  You are marrying someone who has been married before and you need to realize he has done many things before.  I am sure you have had relationships before and done things with someone else so resolve that issue and do what you want.  Most men don't care either way about the wedding and most also understand if they have been married before and they are marrying a first time bride they understand she will want a want the wedding of her dreams.  

Decide what you want and talk it over with him.  My DH and I were both married before. I was married very young and for just a few years.  I wanted a formal wedding with my DH.  I wore a white fancy wedding dress, my DH rented a tux.  We each had an attendant and a destination wedding of 50 - 75 family and friends.  We did it all and our way and really didn't care what anyone thought.  If they did have opinions on it no mentioned it.  

It's your life do it the way you want.  

Do you think 39-year-old men confine themselves to dating 39-year-old women? I don't know where you live... maybe it's a more rural or suburban area, but you should be able to find guys in the 35-45 range with no kids. And if you can't, you should venture into younger territory.

I say leave this guy, freeze your eggs and MOST IMPORTANTLY, work on whatever it is about yourself that you're unhappy with that makes you settle for this situation. You will attract better when you feel your best about yourself. 

I have thought about leaving many times, not because he is so awful (aside from the divorced daddy guilt and how that affects us), but because the whole step life just feels like I've been cheated just inherently. I think step life works best when two people come to it from similar backgrounds, as in, both have previously been married and have kids with a former partner, etc.

Actually, step life, and any relationship, works best when there is respect, love, and a willingness to compromise because the happiness of one's partner is important.

Your SO has been married and has a kid BUT you don't know that that is really where the problems stem from. He could just be a jerk, period. Regardless, he treats you the way he treats you, and you don't have to settle for that. Up to you. I can guarantee you that not all divorced fathers act like this guy.

We bought a great house together, but I could tell it was far more exciting for me than him, as he had bought two previous houses with his ex-wife already - it was all business for him, crossing t'sand dotting i's, whereas to me it was all new.  But I would probably feel the same with any divorced man.

Not true. Not all divorced men make their partner feel like crap just because they have done it all before.

It was a first for the two of you to buy a house together, and he should've been excited about that. He should have been excited for you, and with you.

It kind of sounds like you both feel like you have just settled.

I don't think it matters if you are going to have big or small wedding. Your guy is a jerk and treats you like crap.
 

Sure you can have a big wedding. It won't make him a good partner. I really suggest you focus on quality of a man and quality of your relationship, not the size of the wedding 

we had no wedding at all, we didn't even have witnesses as state we married in didn't require it. We eloped in random court house. Yes my husband has been married before. My husband treats me with love and respect and we have a very happy wonderful marriage.
 

You are settling for an abuser who yells obscenities (what?????) at you and you worry about the size of the wedding. Who cares about that? 

DH was married previously, but it was a shotgun "wedding" to the court house. Technically, he says he never even proposed or got down on one knee. Him and BM went and got married before a judge, he deployed less to Afghanistan less than 48 hours later. DH found out BM was pregnant and he would not have been "allowed" by his officer to return for the birth unless they were married. 

DH proposed to me. We planned a wedding (small-ish) and really enjoyed it. Our families usually don't get together, so it was nice for both of our families and friends to do so. He had been married before, but no wedding, so I think that made a big difference though. 

I looked at your previous blogs and I honestly don't think you should legally tie herself to this abuser. I am not saying you should leave but it would be much easier to leave if you aren't legally married. And I recommend that you don't legally marry him. It would be much easier to leave if you remain single. I don't even know if you are engaged, but if you are just stay engaged. Don't marry. Abusers rarely change but abuse always escalates. Be careful 

Honestly, I only read the first short paragraph of your post, and I JUMPED to respond right away. I'll read all of your other details later. Without even hearing them, I can say with confidence, DO NOT MARRY this person. Steplife has so much baggage. I love my husband so much, and my religious faith advises against divorce, so divorce for me would be very hard pressed. I honestly feel trapped sometimes. Like there is no way out. Deny my faith to leave my husband when there is no cheating or abuse happening. Or stay and deal with the drama, chaos, and hurt that comes with my marriage. I am seriously considering at least a separation at this time, and have been off and on for a few months now, but I can't bring myself to do it. When my SS and the ex are out of the picture for awhile, there is peace. I adore my husband. But when those 2 enter the picture, he no longer adores me, peace is gone, and that is a horrible reality to live with. I'm less than two years into my marriage, and I started having serious concerns 3 months in, but I chose to ignore them and trust my husband and his proposed love for me. Very recently, I realized I couldn't ignore these concerns any longer, and things were even worse than I thought they were, when I really woke up, in part due to help from others here. I feel angry sometimes, but more often than anger, there is the hurt beneath it. I spend too much time crying. Crying in my car, crying before bed, crying when I wake up. I'm emotional, and I've always been an easy crier, but this is ridiculous. I feel gutted and heartwrenched so often. All because I'll never be the first family, ever. And when it has seriously counted, on more than one occasion, he has chosen them over our marriage. This guts me, because I love him, and it guts me because his first wife left him, most likely for her current husband, and yet he still behaves loyally to her. I keep standing by him, yet he can't seem to stand by me at very important times, due to the loyalty to the first family. This is not an uncommon experience, based upon what I have read on this board. If I did it over, I would not marry my husband, despite my love for him, and that is such a sad thing to say. Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow, but right now, honest truth, I would save my commitment for someone who could truly commit to me, 100%. That's what I thought I was getting before marriage, that's what I want, and that's what I give. Maybe someday my husband will be who I believed him to be when we were dating, but today is not that day, and I'm hurting quite a bit. There are many other people in this world who could be a first timer with you. Of course there is a lot of other criteria to consider, but taking steplife out of the equation will seriously lighten the load. Choose wisely.

When my DH and I tied the knot.. we had both been married before.  But, even when I had my "first" marriage.. I had a very small but nice affair in a local B&B with catered buffet and the white dress... but only about 25 people in attendance.  I don't know.. huge events just don't scream "love and comittment" to me.. they make me think that the people are trying to show off.. or have some other motive.. like social standing etc..  I have a very hard time that most people have 300 "close" friends and family.

The things that strike me in this situation are that

1.  You seem to feel that you are kind of "stuck" with this guy.. that your options are closed.  I met my DH when I was in my mid/late 30's.  There are people out there.. and yes... many may have kids.. but not all people have skid problems to the same extent.. don't assume that he is the only option.  After all.. this is about your relationship with him.. not what other people think.

2.  You seem to worry that you would be embarassed because people attending the wedding would have been at his prior... Honestly.. why would you ever feel embarassed for HIS failed relationship?  Believe me.. no one will remember in minute detail whether her flowers were better than yours...   The day should be about you as a couple... a celebration of your relationship.. in the way that you both feel it should be.  My DH and I did a destination wedding with just the two of us.. and we spent every penny of our wedding money on our trip and things WE loved to do together....offshore fishing.. snorkeling.. good sushi...exploring an island.  

3.  Your dad has been saving for 15 years.. I would rather be able to spend that money on something I would enjoy longer than a party for people that probably don't even want to attend  ... (other people's weddings are obligations for many people.. who would often rather be doing other things..lol).

But, if a traditional wedding is what will truly make you happy.. if this man is THE one.. you can't live without.. then you should do what you want as a couple and who cares what anyone else thinks.. it's about your happiness.. not theirs.

Wedding #1.  Social event of the season $$$$$$$$$.  2.5  Years of abject misery.

Wedding #2.  $500, elope to Lake Tahoe with two week notice to friends and family if they felt like joining us. 26 years and counting of making a great life together.

The size of the bill for the wedding has absolutely nothing to do with the quality of the commitment and partnership.

I am a fan of weddings and enjoy them.  My hope is that the couples who are marrying have a long successful life together.  

That however is in all liklihood the result of my enjoyment of the open bar at the recemption and not reality.