Did I Under- React?
Struggling to find common ground with my husband on this one. Need some help. Yesterday he and I were out for lunch. We work together doing contruction and we are all recovering from two hurricanes here in Louisiana... it's the hardest work I have ever done. We had several very big appointments that day. He gets a call from his 18yo daughter that she thinks she broke her ankle playing with the dogs. She is distraught and crying so much he can't understand her. As our food is being delivered he says "we have to go, NOW!" So we ask for the ticket so we can just pay and leave. Then she texts back that she thinks she is ok. I kinda roll my eyes bc she is usually VERY over dramatic about everything and then I'm thinking that she is fine. So we end up eating the lunch. A few minutes later she texts him "Dad I need you to come home." We leave with me being a bit frustrated that I now have to handle 4 major construction meetings by myself and we have to miss the first one since our house is 1 hour out of the way. He decides that he is going to take her to the ER. Which I think is extreme and I say that maybe just letting her rest for the day and see what it looks like in the morning would be better. On the ride home I just say "Make sure she doesn't take any medication bc they will want to give her something at the hospital." He instantly blows up at me... "I don't need your fucking opinions! I know how to take care of my fucking daughter! You don't even care about her and only care about working!" I start crying. I say "Don't talk to me like that, of course I care about her!" He goes on to repeatedly say "Just shut the fuck up, you're a fucking bitch!" The whole time yelling and driving like a maniac with the caution lights on and passing cars. He is an ex cop and I felt like he went into full pursuit mode. The offenses went on and on in similar fashion. We get home. He leaves the driver door open assuming I'm just going to leave. But I go inside, hug our daughter, get her anklet off, wipe her tears, pack some clothes, wrap her in a blanket etc. Then he carries her to his truck and speeds off to the ER. I go back to work solo (insanely stressful). I call and check in an hour later... ankle is not broken, just sprained. I have had really severe ankle sprains and know how painful they are so I definitly get the tears and felt bad for her regardless. But he admitted that she eventually got irritated with the hospital situation and just wanted to be home, which is what I expected and why I suggested waiting a day to go to a doctor. And definitely not to the ER. Another hour later, he apologizes for yelling and cussing at me with a text. I get home late with my 2 daughters after the long day. When we have a moment alone I tell him how much he hurt and stunned me with his words. And that just bc we felt differently about responding didn't mean that I don't care about her. He goes on then defend his actions, basically revoking the apology. We just stop speaking bc the kids are around. Keep our distance for the night. Today we were just cold and quiet towards each other. We get another time alone this evening together outside. I tell himmIm still hurting. He says he is too and how disappointed he is in my response to what he felt was an emergency. He then tells me that I just need to know when to "shut the fuck up". He says "fuck you" over and over again. Same song and dance. Says I am "never wrong". Now dinner is ready and I can't even leave the bedroom. I can't stop crying. Only his 18 yo is here tonight. I don't know what to do.
- Tiffany1111's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
This guy is super abusive!!
This guy is super abusive!! My dh has never ever said anything remotely as effed up as yours did you. I'm sorry, you have a nasty lowlife human as a spouse. Save yourself and your kids and leave.
He is a total asshole.
He is a total asshole.
Has he spoken to you that way
Has he spoken to you that way before? That is abusive, and yes, you under-reacted.
I think her question is about
I think her question is about under-reacting to the daughter's injury, but I could be wrong.
In that case, you did not
In that case, you did not under-react to the injury, but you did under-react to his abysmal treatment of you. I would have been out the door until he agreed to counseling.
I would not wait around for
I would not wait around for someone to swear like that at me again I am afraid. That was a minor incident . He has not apologised and admitted his response was unacceptable. Your response was totally reasonable. Yes he was worried about his daughter but she is an adult. She was not bleeding to death or in any danger.
You did nothing wrong
i am sorry that this is happening to you. You did nothing wrong. Your husband appears to have an explosive and abusive streak. His behavior is unacceptable- period. I know married people have disagreements - but he has crossed a line and viciously verbally attacked you. The girl had a sprained ankle and he’s got flashing lights and speeding? WTF? He sounds like a total creep in this instance. If this is a pattern or you are at the beginning of your relationship- it will escalate. You don’t have to live like this - it’s really hard and scary but you have to stick up for yourself. If he starts verbally abusing you again - go somewhere safe and take care of yourself. Stay away from him and his daughter - see what happens when they don’t have you to push around.
Yes he does this regularly.
Yes he does this regularly. But this time I really felt like there was no excuse. Usually I find some way that I must have done something wrong but I really don't see it here. And I usually don't want to talk about it. We just got married in April. I am scared. My daughters are 3 and 6. His daughters are 16 and 18. We just built an addition to his house so we can all live together. We are also business partners. Leaving doesn't feel like an option.
Staying means you teach both
Staying means you teach both sets of children that it's entirely acceptable to be called named and be abused. Company assets can be split. You can find another job and house. It won't be the same, but it will be perfectly fine. What's NOT perfectly fine is being abused, and setting the example that it's okay.
If you wouldn't want it for your kids, don't accept it for yourself. What you accept is what they learn is okay. If you won't leave for you, then do it for them.
This is not okay, and it doesn't take much to escalate from someone calling you a B to throwing things to hitting you.
I hear you
I get that the addition, the joint business, and the new marriage all make it FEEL like there is no option but to accept the situation and try to fix it. You searching to find a reason that it’s your fault is a classic denial behavior and an attempt by your mind to tell yourself that you somehow have the ability to control and mange this situation or fix it. You may find that you search for things that you did to cause his reaction or excuse it as your spouse just having a bad day or that he is just being a good dad to his kids- or you may justify it as a “small” thing because is a great husband in other ways and you are “happy.” The reality is that you have two young daughters and they will be damaged by this because it will escalate - the business can be legally divided, you can find a new house, he can refinance the house or sell it. A lawyer can help you see the options and minimize the damage. It will be hard, no doubt. Again, I completely understand why you feel you have few options - but that is false -- and abusers count on that kind of thinking to protect themselves from the consequences of their actions. It’s early in the marriage - you may want to seriously consider whether or not he is the man you thought he was.
You didn't under react, you
You didn't under react, you've shut down emotionally due to his abuse.
He called you a f...g biatch?
He called you a f...g biatch????? You are being abused. That's nothing to do with stepfamily situation. You are in abusive marriage. I am so sorry....you need to have an exit plan ASAP. Your daughters will have abusuve partners too because that's all they know. And trust me kids alwars know
Under reacting?
"Usually I find some way that I must have done something wrong..."
He is an abuser. The fact you look for things you may have done to set your glass bowl of a husband off shows you've been conditioNed for this.
There is no situation where you deserve his abuse.
Please find a way to privately call a domestic abuse hotline or at least find a counselor to talk to. Start an exit plan (including saving money in an account he can't access at a different bank from any you both use now). Start setting important documents aside outside the house for safe keeping.
You don't deserve his abuse. There is nothing you did to cause it. He is an abuser and you are his victim. While he's verbally abusing you now, it's likely to escalate.
Please make seeking help your top priority. Houses and the business are important, but your safety and mental health are more so.
Yep.
Yep.
But I'd say it's already escalated beyond verbal and emotional abuse. Endangerment is a recognized form of physical abuse...and one of the behaviors listed is driving recklessly / in anger specifically to terrify the passenger. It's both physical and emotional abuse...what her husband did.
It's weird how there are so many recognizable patterns of behavior among these abusive, dickless wonders.
You are absolutely being abused.
I would be seeking an annulment to this marriage. He has already started the devaluing stage of narcissitic abuse. There is a lady who has a youtube channel called Live Abuse Free. She is kind of therapist or pyschiatrist and her speciality is narcissitic abuse. She has a lot of true crime videos which is how I found her but boy is she good. Watch her videos on narcissits and empaths and see if this all is starting to sound familiar to you. You need to move on from this relationship. I would never ever ever put up with a man saying any of those things to me and you can't let your daughters grow up around that kind of behavior. It can't be modeled for them.
Leaving will be hard, but it
Leaving will be hard, but it is ALWAYS an option. Be careful though, he might begin physical abuse if you try to leave. Contact a domestic violence organization in your area, because make no mistake - he's abusive.
Your reaction one way or the other way not the cause of his behavior. It's his reaction that was the problem. Can you go stay with your parents? This isn't going to get better.
Are young ones your daughters
I see that young ones are just your daughters and not his. You can cut ties but be careful as abuse will escalate
Nope. I would leave. In fact
Nope. I would leave. In fact I did. Left my ex husband because of the emotional abuse. It will escalate. My ex punched a wall next to my head and I knew it would be me next. So I left.
Don't justify his behaviors. They are simply not acceptable.
He is definitely abusive, you
He is definitely abusive, you do not ever talk to someone you love and care about that way and if it slips out in a moment if anger a heartfelt apology should follow and an effort should be made to never do it again.
I would leave, you can continue to share the business or he can buy you out of the house and business and you go your separate ways.
You are being abused, reach out to the National Domestic Violenc
You are being abused, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline and they will put you in touch with someone local that you can talk to. (thehotline.org) You are not seeing it because you are in the middle of it, but he is emotionally abusing you and it is going to escalate.
Here is the big red flag that you need to see, "Yes he does this regularly. But this time I really felt like there was no excuse. Usually I find some way that I must have done something wrong but I really don't see it here." On a regular basis your husband is verbally calling you names and threatening you, and your first response is to try and figure out what you did wrong, rather than to see what he is doing is wrong.
Research domestic violence and you will see this pattern. He is abusive, you think you deserve it and apologize. He accepts the apology and then is super nice. Then it all starts over again. Please, reach out somewhere in real life or contact the hotline and just start telling someone what is happening. You deserve so much better.
You must get out of there.
You must get out of there. This guy has severe anger and anxiety issues and is not safe to be around.
IDGAF if his daughter's ankle WAS broken. That's not an emergency. You know what...she's not going to die from it. You know what you can die from though? A huge 80 mph car accident caused by a hothead behind a wheel.
You know what's ridiculously unsexy? Guys who panic over nothing or next-to-nothing.
Get out ASAP. If he's this unhinged over a sprained ankle on a grown child, what's going to happen if he's ever faced with a real emergency.
What everyone else said. You can split marriage and business assets. Take as much as you can get and go somewhere safe before he seriously injures or kills you and your daughters.
Tiffany -
Tiffany -
PS - by the looks of your picture you are young and beautiful and quite a catch. I'm not sure why you chose 1111 as your screen name...but my dad died on 11/11 and so I've done a lot of research on the significance of those numbers.
People who are born, die, or experience major life events on 11/11 are supposed to be true empaths and highly intuitive...it's seen as a gateway to the other side.
I don't necessarily believe in all that numerology stuff...far too logical...but I took some comfort and meaning from it when I lost my dad.
It sounds like you're an empath who has caught herself an angry narcissist (and THAT I do believe in.) Please take care of yourself. He will drain you entirely and be fine when / if you move on. Cut your losses now.
He got angry because anything connected to him is the *most important* no matter how small or trivial in reality. By default his concerns matter the most and yours are secondary, if they even register at all. You aren't allowed to have a different opinion or your own priorities.
He wasn't mad because you "under-reacted" to his daughter's "emergency." He was mad because you reacted differently than HIM, and then he USED his daughter's injury to try to guilt and bully you into seeing things his way.
There's a big difference. One is a normal, defensive parent reaction that may cause brief anger but reason will soon prevail and the apology will be genuine and heartfelt. The other is a cynical manipulation tactic...it's him using his daughter to keep you in line and to justify his abuse toward you. Mark my words...this will now be something he holds over you indefinitely any time you get out of line...but you won't ever be allowed to bring up the way he cursed you out. You'll be told you're unforgiving and like to cling to the past.
Okay, so you don't want to
Okay, so you don't want to leave him.
At the very least, he needs anger management and some counseling to learn how to deal with stress appropriately. He needs to learn to ditch the law enforcement attitude, which is usually a complete defensive/aggressive mode and not usually appropriate for civilian situations, much less a marriage.
I must say, an 18 year old with a sprained ankle is not exactly the apocalypse. Not worthy of an ER visit, for sure. Even if it was broken, a trip to the doctor for an x-ray would have sufficed.
He way overreacted and you did not under react, at all.
"But this time I really felt like there was no excuse. Usually I find some way that I must have done something wrong but I really don't see it here"
Look, I can push ANYBODY'S buttons. I have a chemical imbalance, so have mood swings, depression, bouts of mania, and a big mouth to boot. In 24 years, my husband has NEVER cussed me, never called me a name. There is really no excuse, and certainly YOU are not to blame, ever.
I lived for 18 years with a
I lived for 18 years with a spouse just like yours. He was also a cop/ex-cop. Don't stay as long as I did. I promise you it doesn't get better. You will be better off in the long run. I bet you don't tell him to eff off because you know what will happen. POS digusting man.
I have a lot of LEO/military
I have a lot of LEO/military family members... Anything happen in his past career which would cause you to believe he has PTSD that he's not sought treatment for? This type of response can also be indicative of someone suffering from PTSD. They can get extremely defensive and have a fight or flight reaction in a situation where most others would not perceive it to be an emergency. Once they get to that state, it is near impossible to get them down.
Here's a thought, if he had
Here's a thought, if he had killed you in his car rage, what would happen to your daughters? If you won't think of your own safety, think of THEM.