How do we manage this? (Trying to do a kindness challenge)
I have always been very big on volunteering, serving others, acts of kindness ect...It's very important to me to raise kind humans. My kids and I do anything from make lunches for the homeless to painting kindness rocks to put around our neighborhood. They were raised like this. It's part of us. My oldest daughter is literally one of the most good hearted people you will ever meet. She walks through stores and will go up to someone and say "you look great today" or "I love your hair" ect... (this is funny.... literally as I'm writing this she just walked in and said "I went through my closet. I have clothes that I don't wear anymore so can we bring them to the women's shelter later? Lol) it's just second nature. Which brings me to this....
my step kids are the opposite. Their mom has raised them to think they are the center of the universe. They have never volunteered, they will not join us in any acts of service, DH tried and tried but they are just like their mom. They make fun of people and they are just so opposite. It really actually disgusts me at times. Anyway, we are doing the great kindness challenge and DH wants his kids to do it too. However, they are not going to want to do it. We truly enjoy doing these things. They don't. DH is desperate to break them out of this but I truly do not think there's hope BUT I'm will to try. So any advice on how to get these kids to turn a corner??? They really are extremely selfish kids. I feel terrible saying that and I truly do love them (they have great qualities too of course) but this is just not one of them. I have instilled this in my kids since they could talk so not sure how to convince a teen and a tween that this is a good thing. Oldest SS literally laughed when we were painting kindness rocks and said "why do you care about other people's feeling? You don't even know them?" I said "I truly don't know how to teach you that it's important to be kind" I'm struggling!
How are your skids with
How are your skids with animals? Maybe (this is a long shot) they aren't good with people because they are so insecure about themselves and their life.
How would they do helping at dog or cat rescue?
If that doesn't work, I agree with Cajun and just leave the rest to your DH. Include them, don't, leave them out and behind because they aren't being good people. I have never had a problem telling my kids if they are being a$$holes. Maybe someone needs to tell these kids that they are a$$holes.
Better with animals actually.
Better with animals actually. I love to dog sit and I have included them in walks and helping feed them then they asked me how much I was going to pay them so I stopped and tell them it's my responsibility and I don't need help. For one second I thought maybe we were rubbing off on them and they were finally thinking of someone other than themselves but nope! They just wanted to try and get money out of me. Sigh.
They don't understand the meaning of helping anyone or doing anything that doesn't benefit them.
Oh I completely agree!! My kids can be butts too and I have no problem telling them their attitude sucks at the moment but their mom feels they are absolutely perfect and it's always the other person. She has cussed out teachers for holding them accountable for nasty behavior and said "well if he did that he must have a good reason" she has gotten an order that she can't approach certain teachers because she has exploded on them and tells them her children are exceptional and everyone is just jealous of them. She tells coaches that they are not running their practices to her standards for her children and she expects them to follow her requests because her kids deserve the best. I mean literally CRAZY. So, of course these kids think everyone in the world is here to serve and please their highnesses. Nope. I don't play that game. SS who is a teenager got mad because his dirty clothes he left in his hamper last time he was here did not appear in his drawer clean and folded. DH was like "that's nobody's fault but your own. You are old enough to do your laundry" I mean entitled is not even close to being a strong enough word
SS will not survive at
SS will not survive at college. He won't know how to survive on his own. You need to have a plan in place as to what will never happen once they age out of CO/graduate HS/etc. You don't want these deadweights hanging around your house.
They will live with her!!
They will live with her!! That's her dream come true! Lol
My OSD is more like your SK's
My OSD is more like your SK's Younger SD is more like your kids.
I mean, the simple answer to "we don't know them why do we care" is "that there may come a time when you would benefit from someone being kind to you.. even if they don't know you.. or in spite of the fact that they DO know you"
This is a lesson and attitude that is taught and instilled from a young age.. often in concert with religion.. but certainly can be a family value. I don't see a lot of value in you pushing his kids but your DH could certaiinly do the pushing. I mean.. he needs to have the discussions that we don't know who might be helped.. but that if everyone did these kinds of things.. it will circle around to the whole community and be a better place for everyone to live. There is a certain amount of gratitude for having things so good.. that should make you grateful you have the ability to do nice things for others.
And.. he may also explain that volunteering can also be a good thing for college admissions.. so it can even be self serving to do it.
He tries. They just look at
He tries. They just look at him like "whatever" ugh! I have seen him try and try and try and it's just no use. Their moms influence is strong and they like being privileged entitied people. Why would they change? But DH just keeps trying. I know he's so disappointed watching them act like that.
Don’t give SK a thought
You and DH and your bio kids volunteer all you want, You enjoy it as a family activity, it's brings you closer together as a family. If SK don't want to do it, it's there lost. You have no control over them. Latter in life SK will understand what they lost
Yep. That's what I'm going to
Yep. That's what I'm going to do. They just want want want. They see no benefit to them in giving.
A little preachy with the Skids.
Forcing the SKids to adopt a service focused life may not fit with what their life desires are. Hopefully they will evolve beyond the crappy parenting that they have been subjected to by the BM and your DH. When they do, they will find their groove.
It may be different than the one you have fostered in your own life and in the lives of your own kids. But that does not necessarily make it wrong.
My DW and I had the master plan for our son (my SS-28 who asked me adopt him when he was 22). We met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. Our plan for him was not his plan. We had some struggles aligning his performance with our plan. His mom and I are both honor student out in front leaders. He is a middle of the pack influencer type. As he progressed into his adult life he influenced us in alignment with his desires and life model.
Our plan was for him to be the honor student/leader that he obviously would be having my incredible bride as his BM and me as his full time father. Top tier high school as an honor student, straight to college at any college or university he chose anywhere in the world, then on to a highly lucrative and successful career beyond what his mom and I have built in our own careers...... Nope.
"Mom, Dad, I am not ready to focus and college right now would be a waste of my time and your money." Infuriating and mind boggling at that moment, it was the watershed moment where he earned our respect as his own person rather than our mini-me 2.0. Once we got him out of HS, we did have a struggle with his aversion to adulthood but that really was not as heinously unpleasant as it could have been. He would not go to school and would not get a job, so.... we worked his ass off as our live in paid with room and board beck-and-call-boy/chore bitch.
We worked that kids butt off.
4mos later he enlisted in the USAF under the delayed entry program. His job did not have a slot for 4mos so ... he call-boyed/chore bitched in our home for 4 more months until he reported to Basic.
He is currently processing his second re-enlistment which will get him to 16 years of service and only 4 years short of retirement. He will eledgiable for retirement when he is 38. With his USAF AFCS (cyber systems operations) and leadership experience combined with his undergraduate CS degree (he is slowly plucking away at finishing his BS) he will have a pension that will be paid to him for the rest of his life, lifetime medical retirement benefits on day one of retirement and have the opportunity to make a ton of money in the private sector.
His mom and I both had a more direct path to career with undergrad then grad school and successful high earning careers.
He has advanced regularly in his USAF career and will do just fine.
We are proud of him.My mom is a service oriented kindness broadcaster. She quilts. She makes amazing quilts for family, friends, neighbors, donates them for charity fund raisers, makes baby quilts for all of the babies in their neighborhood. She and dad are the neighborhood grand parents. Dad is her support staff. He presents himself as a gruff Grinch kinda guy but his heart is so blatantly pure and loving that the kids in the neighborhood won't leave him alone and all of their parents gravitate to dad as an advisor and mentor. They both are kind, caring, and giving. Just in very different ways. My DW and I are much closer to my dad's model of service and kindness. We advise, mentor, guide, and when necessary, rub peoples noses in their stupid choices. Developing the next generation of business leaders and community leaders is my sweet spot of service and kindness. My incredible bride is much like your daughter. She engages cheerfully with anyone she comes in contact with. Refers to them my name, asks them how their day is going, and leaves them with a smile. We do not donate to homeless people on street corners but we do pay for the meal of next few cars behind us in the drive through or the groceries for the elderly couple or harried mom with young kids in the line behind us in the grocery store. It is a delicate balance between kindness and fostering irresponsible behavior so.... we apply our perspectives and the paradigm of our experience in our philanthropy and spreading of kindness.
I would caution you against forcing your Skids down your family path. It may not be for them. If we had succeeded in forcing our son into our box, he would not be the incredible leader, technologist, and adult that he is.
Good luck.