Inform him that until he actually parents and controls his spawn that he can visit them away from your home.  He owes you peace in your home and within the relationship she shares with you.

Zero tolerance works. His bitchy adult daughter must never again enter your home until your SO makes it clear that her bitchy crap will not be tolerated and enforces that new normal.

Sadly your story is yet another example of the wonderful man who is an idiot parent and on top of that is also an adulterous letch.

What about this behavior makes him so appealing to you?

You need to up your standards for a partner.

This is sad because you really seem to love him.  But this is never going to work out.  He would have to make a monumental effort just to make this barely tolerable for you and I dont think it will happen.  Dont even THINK of subjecting yourself to being shut into a caravan with the kids and his parents.  Im sorry, Junglejules.

I can't see this relationship working out.  He's never going to give up his kids (nor should he) and you're never going to want them around, especially since they're poorly parented, stunted and ill-behaved.  There are situations where the dad parents his kids and the kids are well behaved and the stepmom is respected and can live with the kids.  Stepmoms have a chance of surviving those situations, even if they aren't "kid people."  Your situation isn't that.  You may want to reconsider the relationship.

 Have much respect for women who know they aren't the type for children. Unfortunately, most of society thinks there is something wrong with you and are under the impression you will change your mind.  Why is HE forcing you to change your heart?      And, he's not even making sure his kids are the likeable kind to help his goal.  
 

Think long and hard about years wasted on this situation when the alternative is a life without all this stress and pressure to accept something you know you don't want.  

You have every right to have a relationship free of your mate's failed family drama.  So, your choice is... find a new partner, or make it clear that the your current mate will keep his past from adversely impacting your life and your relationship.  His kids visit the home you share only when and if he keeps them under control and out of your hair.  

If he finds this too burdensome, he can choose to find a different mate.

If the two of you cannot find a mutually collaborative position in this relationship where your needs for peace and couple time are met and his needs to parent and have time with his children are met...... don't waste his time or yours.

I am glad to hear that he was separated for an extended time before entering into this relationship with you.  Hopefully he can man up and control his kids to minimize their adverse impact on your life.

Good luck.

For you to stand half a chance. It seems to be the done thing for failed parents to turn it on their partners with the 'you hate my kids' 

id turn it on him, yes I absolutely do and it's your fault so what are YOU going to do about their behaviour?! I bet if you ask him if he ever hit his own father the answer will be no. It hurts their pride to have it pointed out they're failing as a parent.

The sad thing is it can be done if you really love each other, but I'd say its now down to how much be loves you, and is he prepared to tackle his ooc kids behaviour head on? If he won't enforce good behaviour and stop all the ones that make you uncomfortable, might be best to ditch him 

I'm a child free woman. I don't mind well behaved children in small doses, but never wanted to be a parent. I'm also a bit of an introvert. 

We routinely get posters who are CF, tried making things work with a person who's a parent, but are unhappy. This is because in general, CF people are happiest with CF partners. 

 CF people run the gamut in terms of tolerance, and you sound like someone who doesn't enjoy kids at all. For that reason alone, this relationship doesn't sound right for you. Add in his non parenting, the rude eighteen y.o. and how many years of parenting he still has, and he doesn't sound great at all. 

Breakups are never easy, but you should find a nice CF guy who shares your interests. 

This isn't the guy for you. Maybe it could have worked if he was a good parent who respected your position on kids, and you had a big house where you could get your peace and quiet while he took care of his kids. But he's a lousy parent who lets his kids run amok and doesn't care a bit how it affects you. Good bio parents would be irritated by their kids behaving that way and address it. His answer is to shame you for not enjoying being with a pack of wild beasts every other weekend.

Cut this one loose.

When I was younger I dated a man for over a year with one teenage autistic son (who was actually a great kid) and a 4 year old little girl (who was also sweet).  I am like OP in that I never wanted kids.  I realized during that relationship that I should not be with a man with young kids.  They need their father in their life at that age and I didn't want to participate or help.  He deserved a partner who would want that and I deserved a partner who shared my life goals.  I ended that relationship and ever since then, any man with children younger than 18 was a straight-up no for even a first date.

My current SO's youngest kid (Bratty McBratFace SD23) was 18 when we met and even that has been a challenge.  

Sorry to be blunt but I just don't see this as the right fit for OP.  Hope it works out whatever you decide to do.

Period. There is no shame in that. I agree with the others, you are being roped into babysitting a child that you didnt create. You are being forced into a role you do not want.

Dont stay with this guy. Hes a lousy parent and hes being manipulative trying to make you feel guilty becuase "they arent bad kids, you just hate my kids". I used to get that from DH. Luckily SD21 Feral Forger moved out. Munchkin SD14 is sweet and kind. She does bring out my maternal instinct, but she is well-behaved in general. When she used to ask me to accompany her places I did so willingly.

This is not your guy. If you stay you will be very unhappy.

Welcome to Step Talk..

Happy to have you here.

For a CF guy I am probably not a bad choice for a woman with a kid.  I like kids. Well behaved kids that is.  Any kid in my home, whether full time or just visiting, will behave. Period.  If their parent can't handle that they can GTF out and take their ill behaved spawn with them. In my home no is no. Period.  Fortuneately, my incredible bride was already on that parenting page and SS did a great job growing up in a structured home. Of course... I take all of the credit.

Joking of course.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was in the same situation as you until a few weeks ago when I decided to break up with my bf (who I live with) because I can't stand his son and don't want to be around him. 

Like you, I really thought since I loved my bf, I could overlook him having a kid. I even, ever so foolishly thought that if I loved my bf enough, I could love his son too. But God was I wrong. First off, there is no overlooking the fact someone has a kid. Those kids are in your face 24/7. My bf's son is 5 and cannot do anything for himself and has to physically be within 2 f***ing feet of my bf at all times. And, so much for me succeeding in loving his son. I can't stand the kid. His annoying voice. His temper tantrums. The fact that, He. Never. Stops. Talking. The attention seeking behavior, thinking the world revolves around him. Can't get a word in edge wise because he constantly interrupts. Ughhhhh. 

Now that I've called it quits but can't move out just yet but also can't stand to be within ear shot of his son, I lock myself in the bedroom. 

What a life, huh? Do YOU really want to live like that???

Bottom line is, those kids will not go anywhere and it will not get easier, Your resentments will continue to grow and that wedge between you and your bf will only get wider. 

Like you, I adored my bf. He was the most wonderful man I had ever met. Our love wasn't the problem. His son was. And in these cases, love is NOT enough. 

Get out while you can and best of luck doing so xoxo

And for the love of God, do not go on that vaca with the kids

My now ex's mom plans "fun filled" kid friendly "vacas" and I was invited to them. I always passed. If I wanted to have to wake up at 7am to participate in day after day of hideous kid friendly activitites while simultaneously listening to crying and screaming children who aren't mine...I'd need to be paid about $5M per day. 

Don't do it 

Just curious -- at what point in the relationship did he tell you that he had three kids and was still legally married? If he had been honest with you from the beginning, you might have made some different decisions, or at least slowed down the relationship.

Most of us here agree that love isn't enough. It just isn't. Raising kids is hard, even for the best parent. But when you are with a guy who doesn't parent much at all, it's just not compatible with an adult relationship.

Not the relationship for you, you can fall in love again with someone who is CF.  DO NOT go on this vacation!  Vacations with skids are hell on earth even in the most mild situations with people who like their skids.  The few times we had vacays with SD were the times I almost ended our relationship.

I think you take that time that they are away to get yourself your own place and detach emotionally.  Time to move on. Do NOT try to force the peg into a square hole kind of thing.  This will never work long term.  It will hurt, I'm sorry for that but it's not for you.  You will be happier out of that relationship.