Depression from being replaced by SS6
It's been a while since I've been on here. I hope you're all doing well 
This past weekend with SS6 seems to affected me so much my mental health has taken a sudden plummet. I feel alone on this island, my family are all good people but we aren't close, and because of the pandemic I don't have close friend connections. So whenever SS6 is here, which is 50% of the time, my SO puts all of his attention, and I mean 100% of his attention, solely on trying to make him as happy as possible. This means he makes sure that SS6 is never bored, does not enforce boundaries, babies him, spoils him by giving him new toys every time he's here, and I'm left feeling like the hired help. I'm always walking in the living room to the two of them cuddling on the couch watching a movie, which would normally be fine but this never, EVER happens with me and my SO while SS6 is around. We can't even have a conversation without SS6 interrupting us to ramble about Bay Blades. I am the enforcer of boundaries and manners, which makes me look like the evil step mother.
After expressing this dozens of times to my SO about how alone and rejected it makes me feel, he said he will schedule one hour a day for me and him to spend quality time together, where SS6 will have to find something else to do to entertain himself. SS6 has a big group of friends in our townhouse community and tens of thousands of dollars worth of toys in his bedroom, so I feel like he'd be ok. But the couple of times this hapened, SS6 was being bratty and telling us to change the channel and rambled and rambled about every single thought that popped in his head without taking a breath. My SO would say "it's ok big guy, we're almost done and then you and I will do whatever you want to do." He wouldn't stop. When I said "hey, kiddo, we're spending some time together so you'll have to go outside or find something else to do." My SO said "well, the hour IS up." This whole SO penciling me into his schedule only lasted a few days. There was none of that over the weekend.
I'm very candid to my SO about this and he says that making me a priority conflicts with making sure SS6 is loved and happy. I tell him you don't get it. It is not that black and white. The kid needs to be more well-rounded with realistic expectations from the world. I feel like this has resulted with SS6 having poor social skills. He'll go out and play with the neighborhood kids and come home 10 minutes later crying and throwing a fit, telling his closest friends he doesn't ever want to see them again and that he won't miss them when he's at his mom's, all because they catch him cheating in a game.
Being pushed aside makes other typical step parent issues way too hard to deal with. Like when SS6 constantly compares me to his mom, when I absolutely hate the woman. The past 6 months or so I've been backing off when he's here to find other things to do, but it's isolating and affecting me in a pretty negative way. I'm feeling hopeless and demotivated. I have constant headaches and I don't feel like doing anything. I feel a level of emotional drainage that I haven't expereinced before. Normally I keep my house very clean, organized and nice, and I've let it go so much.
When SS6 isn't here, life is so wonderful. Now I dread it, and it makes me incredibly sad because I used to be very, very close with the kid. I've been edging toward disengaging more but it's pretty impossible. He senses my anger, and coupled with being the only rule-enforcer, it seems like he's afraid of me. This makes me feel like I'm a horrible human being. I don't know what to do 
- Kona_California's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
What's with these idiot dads
What's with these idiot dads who think that loving a spouse (and I mean the word "loving" is a verb) means making their brat, er I mean child, feel unloved and unhappy? Why do these twats not know how to dad and husband at the same time?
Can you be brave enough to lay it out to your SO that he can no longer put you on a shelf like a doll and put you away only to take you back down when your SS isn't there? Also, penciling you in is a joke and unacceptable. You are his spouse: not his whore. Lay it out to him that unless he figures out how to dad and spouse at the same time and realize that loving his spouse does not in any way diminish his love for his child, then you'll have to consider your options. Put him on notice that something major needs to change pronto.
Also, your SO may be wonderful to you when your SS isn't there, but him being a neglectful asshole to you and literally penciling you in and putting a timer on his "obligatory" time to you is unacceptable and he is not wonderful.
Disengaging won't change anything in a case like this because that's what your SO wants you to do. He wants you to stand back so that you inadvertently enable his fawning over his kid while neglecting you and your relationship. You need to make your SO squirm.
Maybe Rags can chime in here. He once said something that I've actually taught my DD20. "Any relationship that has to be qualified with 'if only' is a relationship not worth having." These words pertain to your situation. Your SO is wonderful only half the time. The rest of the time he's failing as a spouse, failing your relationship and failing you.
I too ended up with a multi-year constant brutal headache in which the pressure was so bad that I saw blue lights. I had a bunch of other physical symptoms too. I ended up getting diagnosed with C-PTSD from being put a distant second to my SKs, especially a mini-wife on steroids with NPD. God! I wish I was so much earlier in the game. I would have had it out with my H and required him to either parent and husband at the same time or GTFO! So, I really encourage you to do something now.
Ugh thank you. Yeah I told
Ugh thank you. Yeah I told him I'm not doing the whole one hour thing. I should be the automatic person he wants to spend time with, while incorporating his son.
I pulled back and started some disengagement because I was becoming the main parent to SS when he was 3-4. He was making decisions on time sharing without me and allowing me to do all the heavy lifting, so I said look, I'm going to back off so you can spend time with your kid and you can do all the heavy lifting. That has resulted in me just not being involved with either of them.
When I involve myself, I'm so restenful and angry it's obvious. Once I know how I want to handle things I'm pretty good at enforcing and voicing. I just don't know how to handle this. What did you do to make your H squirm and straighten up? Was it just an ultimatum? (Which I think is sometime necessary.)
My husband doesn’t schedule in 1 hour a day for me and our
2 kids together everyday.
we are mutually exclusive and when we feel like cuddling times we do it, we feel like going ti bed early- we do it!!
Op man isn't ready for a relationship as he isn't committed to her!! Thats the problem!!
When you and your H have you
When you and your H have you time and your kids walk in and start demanding attention, what happens? Do they crawl in bed with you? Do you or your H get up to give them food, or entertain them? Or do you have a boundary and say "kids go entertain and feed yourselves because you know how to."
My hope is we have the boundaries because I have set up our kitchen to make plenty of food and drink accessible to SS6. Water, cups, juice boxes, snacks, etc, can all be easily accessible by SS6. He also knows how to use the TV fine. But when he comes into our room while we're trying to sleep in just a little and have a cuddle, my SO immediately gets up to cater to SS. UGH gross.
What happens in the weeks
What happens in the weeks without SS around? If everything is better then I say that's where you start making changes. Why should DH think it's all fine 50% of the time? Your marriage is in trouble and that is 100% of the time. The resentment doesn't go away, it's still there, seething and waiting to show itself. You need to start looking out for yourself everyday , first and foremost. Do a 180 on him. Find better things to do without him. (Take sex off the table too). See if that changes anything. If it doesn't , then you have bigger issues to make a decision about.
He's not wonderful if he
He's not wonderful if he neglects and dismisses you 50% of the time. Listen to what your body is telling you with the symptoms you have - this is not a good situation. Stop focusing on the 50% you think is good and look at the whole picture.
How are you able to turn your resentment off when SS isn't there? He doesn't get ignore you for a week and then have you waiting to meet his needs the following week.
I know it might not be easy to do, but I'd end this relationship. Or at least move out to your own place. If not, build up your friendships. I know COVID may be a barrier to some degree but many are vaccinated now, or you can visit with friends outside. Do something for yourself rather than waiting around for this guy to meet your needs. He's told you he's not going to do it.
He will schedule one hour a
He will schedule one hour a day to focus on you? How magnanimous of him.
Agreed
And how effing insulting ...
Honestly, your SO sucks. Not
Honestly, your SO sucks. Not only is he teaching his kid to be codependent and to believe that partners are unimportant/disposable/less than, he's treating you horribly and expecting you to be ok with that 50% of the time. It's irrelevant that things are great when your SS isn't there, because the real SO is present when is son IS there, and that's the reality you should be making decisions from.
Penciling you in for an hour a day is bs, and his parenting is truly horrible. Thinking not having boundaries with your child is love? Gross. I'm sorry you're going through this, you owe it to yourself to be really honest about what you'd like in your life & how you'd like to feel, or accept that this is what things will look like if you stay. He's a crap dad & an even worse partner, very doubtful that will change.
After expressing this dozens
After expressing this dozens of times to my SO about how alone and rejected it makes me feel, he said he will schedule one hour a day for me and him to spend quality time together
Oh, how generous of him. What a slap in the face.
he says that making me a priority conflicts with making sure SS6 is loved and happy.
This ^^^ is absolutely not true. He should not be in a grown up relationship.
I'm feeling hopeless and demotivated. I have constant headaches and I don't feel like doing anything. I feel a level of emotional drainage that I haven't expereinced before. Normally I keep my house very clean, organized and nice, and I've let it go so much.
You know that a (healthy) relationship should not be making you feel this way ^^^^
When SS6 isn't here, life is so wonderful.
You also know that in a healthy relationship, your partner does not treat you differently based on who else is around.
When I said "hey, kiddo, we're spending some time together so you'll have to go outside or find something else to do." My SO said "well, the hour IS up."
And that would do it for me. I would start making my exit plan.
You are not important to him.
You deserve better.