my SD hates me... I had no idea how bad this could get...
SO & I have been together for 5 years, he has a daughter 9 yo, & I have two kids who live with SO & I full time. SO has had SD every weekend for last 5 years, & past 3 that we've lived together. I've struggled with SD & her behavior, but for the most part during her time at our house its been ok, I've pulled back my interactions with her, but its when she goes back to BM that everything goes really bad. Everything that is said in our home goes back to BM & gets very twisted in doing so. For the past year, SD has been telling her mom & extended family that I'm the devil- she says I'm horribly mean & vile & nasty & awful to her- & they eat it up % 100... Which is so confusing to SO & myself, as we watch with our own eyes as she just spent the weekend in our home smiling & laughing & playing & having a fun time. There's NO doubt in my mind that BM pumps SD for info when she goes home from our house & feeds into whatever SD is reporting. Ive wanted so badly for SO to open his eyes & see how the constant spoiling, babying, lack of discipline etc effects SD negatively, but I wish it hadnt had to happen like this.. hes had a tough time being a firm parent instead of friend, saying no, etc.. Text book guilty dad syndrome, & he is aware of it.. When BM began complaining to him about a year ago that I was so horrible & mean to SD, it weighed on him heavily & upset him that SD apparently isn't having fun at our house after all & even questioned if I'm really being a horrible person to her & he just hasn't seen it? It's been a ongoing struggle for us & we've almost decided to separate twice. He has struggled to understand why SD would ever make stotallyomething like this up, & surely BM wouldn't exaggerate or lie? It finally came to a head & he got the wake-up call of the century... he now sees the extent to which SD is blatantly lying to her mom & whole family- saying she's so scared of me because I'm so mean & I beat my own children for hours (in real life I'm an anti spanking mama.....) I disengaged from SD a long time ago & limited my interactions with her to small talk- no discipline, no requests to put dishes away or pick up her dirty clothes.. SO can do that & I'll parent my kids & help SD with the fun stuff like school projects & things. BM has been pressuring SO to leave me for the past month. When SO told her that she nor their 9 yo daughter would be making decisions about his family or relationship- BM flew off the handle & informed SO that SD won't be coming to our home anymore if myself or my kids are present. SD missed Xmas with us, & says she wants to see her dad but only if they can go somewhere besides our house- which he's telling her is not an option. SD told everyone in her family shes never liked me since the day we met & that she even likes BM's abusive ex better than me. BM is being as hateful, jealous & immature as you can imagine- so it's not as though SD is being protected from hearing all about it from BM.. BM is absolutley feeding into SDs every report of how foul i am, & encouraging her to refuse to see her dad until he "chooses her over that bitch" (meaning me...) SO is meeting with attorneys next week in hopes of petitioning family court to address this (they've never had a formal custody arrangement, it was always mutually agreed... ) even if the court orders visitation for him in our home- I'm afraid the damage is already done with SD. Feels like they (meaning both SD & BM) won't relent until I'm no longer in the picture... he says that's not an option & he won't let BM dictate our lives, but if this doesn't stop I cannot/will not be the reason a daughter doesn't see her dad for years. & I can only imagine how nasty court will likely be- BM is coming up with really far- out allegations about me... There's no doubt in my mind our home is the more stable of the two- but SD has made it clear she HATES me & my 8yo daughter & I don't see any way ro change that.... how can a 9yo act totally normal towards me when she's here, but actually hate me?? Is she playing this game to please her mom & feed into her drama? How can she sit right next to me & smile & giggle about you tube videos we're watching & really honestly hate me? How do I act normal around her when she does come over? After I've just been told what a horrible person/mother I am for being so "horrible & abusive" to SD..... 
This age is very vulnerable
This age is very vulnerable to suggestive questioning. They have learned how to read the questioner - in this case Mom - and supply the answer that mom is looking for. Mom asks "Is SM nice to you?" But she asks in such a way that the answer better be no. Plus BM is afraid daughter might like you more than her so she certainly does not want daughter to like you in any way.
Daughter is rewarded by BM with the sympathy and outrage for her mistreatment. I suspect that daughter likes the extra attention AND feels guilty about the misinformation. As hard as it is to see, I think daughter is a victem in this mess created and fueled by BM and her insecurity.
If you see her as a victem the it is easier to be as normal as possible. Let dad do all the hard stuff with her and include her in
I will suggest that you and BD embrace the court getting involved and ask for court ordered counceling for daughter. Sounds like this little girl will need it.
This is a type of
This is a type of psychological abuse by parents. At some point, they don't even have to ask the kid questions anymore; the kid has figured out she will be rewarded by reporting negative behavior, even if it's not true. The bm reinforces it by the attention and sympathy she lavishes on her child. The child knows her place... it's to hate the "intruder" and report to everyone how dedicated she is to the "right side" (BM). If it were me, I would have the dad take her out sometime and explain this to her. Something like, "I know it's not your fault, and I know your mom likes it when you tell her sm is doing all these bad things and she encourages you to do so, etc." Kids are not stupid. They know when they lie, but sometimes they don't even know why or how they got there, but they are there and don't know how to stop. If she understands the psychology behind this, she might be able to cope better. She might see what's going on and change her behavior. At the very least, when she gets older and away from bm, she will know the truth about her dad and sm, and re-kindle a positive relationship.
I could have written most of
I could have written most of this. I feel for you.
My SO has been stopped having SS7 over night anymore because he's told BM that he doesn't want to be around me and SO is going along with it to try and better his relationship with SS. Now it's New Years Eve tomorrow, all of a sudden BM asks SS if he wants to stay over the night and he chose to?! Wth?! I've said that if he comes over I'm leaving. I have to keep out of SS's way as he doesn't like being around mine and SO's biological daughter (8 months), yet when it's convenient to the mother then he can come over so she can party? I don't think so.
I've already agreed to leave our home for 4 weeks in February so SO can spend quality time with his boy, I'm not having us pushed out on NYE as well. Best of luck with yours and if you figure out a solution please let me know! I'm getting very resentful as, like you, he's all smiles and laughter when he's here...
I could have written most of
I could have written most of this. I feel for you.
My SO has been stopped having SS7 over night anymore because he's told BM that he doesn't want to be around me and SO is going along with it to try and better his relationship with SS. Now it's New Years Eve tomorrow, all of a sudden BM asks SS if he wants to stay over the night and he chose to?! Wth?! I've said that if he comes over I'm leaving. I have to keep out of SS's way as he doesn't like being around mine and SO's biological daughter (8 months), yet when it's convenient to the mother then he can come over so she can party? I don't think so.
I've already agreed to leave our home for 4 weeks in February so SO can spend quality time with his boy, I'm not having us pushed out on NYE as well. Best of luck with yours and if you figure out a solution please let me know! I'm getting very resentful as, like you, he's all smiles and laughter when he's here...
OMG this is my life. I have a
OMG this is my life. I have a SD 8yrs and I recently found out that she has been saying the most God awful stuff about me to her BM and not only that she has been saying some very disturbing stuff about her mother and the BF to me and her dad. It's gotten so bad that I am now concerned about having her near me or my 3 kids. It's breaking my partners heart that I feel this way yet I cant have some other woman's child in my home harming my baby, stealing or lying about us. Its gone so far that my partner has lost his WHOLE family because he is with me yet I have done NOTHING but be nice and helpful to them all to the point I gave food and money because a sistet was skint and without food!!!! What can be done to fix this? :,-(
After that long post, look
After that long post, look back on it. I think it's obvious what your problem is. It's your boyfriend. HE is the one who can fix this , this nightmare under your roof. She's got you guys by the short and curlies, whether it's from PAS or not. In any home with kids, there has to be discipline in place, I don't mean spanking I never spanked my kids, I mean actually RAISING and GUIDING kids. Until your boyfriend steps up , you'll be a prisoner in your own home.
I have similar issues myself
I have similar issues myself with my SD12, she is very fake to me, seemingly nice but then obviously telling her BM that I'm mean and she doesn't like coming to our house (we share custody). I feel for you in the disengagement-- it is hard to do and I also feel bad for you that your partner questioned your actions towards her based on what she and BM said...I think BM has to much time on her hands and is very insecure and threatened by your relationship with her daughter. It's too bad because your SD spends significant time with you so it's just selfish on her part. Instead of feeling like you are keeping a daughter away from her father maybe you should pay yourself for not being as toxic as her BM who she adores but is actually screwing up her life/relationship with you and her BD for selfish insecurity lack of self assurance reasons. Focus on your 2 kids and stop wasting your energy on her. She sounds manipulative. My SD is and my fiancé never sees it...he just keeps allowing her to be a mopey disrespectful spoiled girl who should be given boundaries and consequences but never will.
BM is the real source of the
BM is the real source of the hate not the little girl. My ss (16 now) used to say nasty things about his dad when he was about that age. He's told me that he simply did so because it made his mom happy, then she would pay attention to him. It was a way to get her approval and affection. He loved his dad but his mother's nasty remarks undermined his respect for his dad. He has a lot of guilt about it now. It's hard to combat this. Our situation only got better because we got a chance to have ss live with us and detox from his mom.