What is best to do
Hello,first time posting but snooping for months and this forum has been of real help. My first language aint english so please anyone reading,bare with me.
I've been with my boyfriend for 4 and a half years already,with a break of 5 months last year. The break up happend for a variety of reasons but the most important one his daughter of 11 yo. I will try to make it short as my problem is and why i left the first time, I don't feel as if I matter in here the same and its so hurtful,we had tons of fights and discussions about the way he's raising this kid and the way he's over protective of it to the detriment of my feelings and our rel most of the time. (the disney daddy thing) Everything that people complain of here about stept kids I relate to everything so Iwont get into that. But all that and more. I am bullied and verbally abused everytime I try to discuss and negociate this matter. The last thing that made me write here was that, I asked, before I moved back in for him to change his. visiting program for his daughter,as she always comes every weekend, and only in the weekend to have some weekend for us and he agreed but now that I'm here he changed that on me and does the same thing.
He's not comprehensive,he yells and bullies me for feeling this way and I really do feel all his energy is in trying to replace his lost family for his daughter not building a new one with me. All the time. There are many details,he would drop her every weekend on me in the past, I would pay money from my own pocket and so on and so forth, putting up with horrible tantrums from her and codependency and many issues.Feeling used and unappreciated as many do feel here.
What should I do,leave again? He's not a bad person all in all but this problem for years has no solution, I dont wanna feel as if im a replacement for old wounds. We make no plans for us but he spends all his money on his kid, like on her birthday, but buys me flowers on mine. I hope people here can help me with some advices.
Am I the dumb ass for staying and nothing changed or he's the a...hole? If needed I would add more details about the sit. but I feel so tired now I can't even write.
Thank you!
I honestly think youi should
I honestly think youi should leave ... but definitively, this time. He yells at you, bullies you, verbally abuses you, has his child over for visitation every single weekend (so you effectively never have any couple time) despite you asking him to see her at other times occasionally and yet he has the audacity to dump her on you all the time (!), puts you last in all cases and you have no plans for the future. This is an utter waste of your time, money and energy. He is treating you like an unpaid babysitter. Tell me, does he expect you to do all the housework too? What it all boils down to is that he treats you as if you were his bedwarmer who also happens to be handy for paying the bills and looking after his daughter when he doesn't have the time. While we're at it, having read over your post again, I have to disagree that he is "not a bad person at all". He is using and abusing you. Have you ever heard of the "curate's egg"?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Curate%27s_egg
You deserve so much better than this. Dump him and block his number and any other way he can get in contact with you. He isn't worth the grief and abuse.
He pays most of the bills but
He pays most of the bills but I pay for food. He does it most for control I think. And because I fight for my f#ucking rights.
This time around he told me I shouldn't mind because I wont have any part of it if I don't want to and it's all good, but in realty its never like that. The child is clingy and needy and sesitive and actually wants me because in the past I came in an rescued her so to speak.
I guess im completely gaslighted here and I dont even know it.
Taking SD out of the equation
Taking SD out of the equation. No man should bully or belittle you. That is not a man that is grown child who is using aggressive tactics, lies and deceit to get his way.
This is who he is and he is not going to change. Is this really the person you want to be with.
He's abusive and controlling
He's abusive and controlling and doesn't care about your needs. It's not a stretch to think he could start hitting you soon. Please find a good therapist to figure out why you think he's "not a bad man all in all" despite how he treats you.
I'm pretty self aware to
I'm pretty self aware to understand it's my own fault too. It's like a whirpool and I need help getting out.
Abuse is never the victim's
Abuse is never the victim's fault, though that's what abusers want you to think.
Unless you are the abusive one who starts the conflicts and he reacts with more abuse on his side, then your self-awareness is not accurate.
No, I am not. I can be
No, I am not. I can be agressive and lacking tact in opening hard topic discussions only because i am so tired of having to but I'm not abusive. He is the one calling names and being nasty. Anyway, thank you all but I need more imput on my general situation. Im trying to clarifi in my mind if my wants are absurd. Because I struggle with this for so long.
Your wants are not absurd in
Your wants are not absurd in the least. Ask yourself what you represent to him. Then, take a sheet of paper and make a list of what is good about your relationship, turn the paper over and write down what is wrong with it. Compare the two...
I'd also like to add that other people's opinions of your relationship and what you should put up with is absolutely unimportant. The only thing that counts is what YOU feel is acceptable. Right now, I'm pretty sure that you know what is acceptable but you have been so berated by this man that you are doubting yourself.
Never forget that the person who knows best what is good for you is YOU.
Your wants are not absurd.
Your wants are not absurd. But it sounds like he's not willing to compromise and will simply bully you into submission. So really, his abusive behavior is your "general situation", because no matter how many of us say your needs are important, if he doesn't think so, you won't get them met.
And I agree with Winterglow that he has you convinced that your needs are stupid and absurd. IMO, in a good relationship, your partner should never make you feel that way.
He just told me,he's aware of
He just told me,he's aware of everything and will do his best but its only lip service,heard that before.
As the expression goes, "Talk
As the expression goes, "Talk is cheap". If his actions don't match his words, then he's just manipulating you to keep you on the hook.
Don't tell me, show me.
Same here. I bite my tongue
Same here. I bite my tongue and then I bite my tongue some more. I try gently to address a situation and nothing gets done about it and then I blow up and then immediately I am the crazy one, nothing to do with the fact that I've been putting up with $hit for a huge amount of time. What I've dealt with is basically expected of me.
If you're not getting through to him and you are fed up / financially independent, move out and get your own place, you can still have a relationship if you want but at least you have your own space. I'm not financially independend especially after Covid and I don't want to leave my kids and cause that chaos either.
Consistent assertive pressure
Consistent assertive pressure outperforms both biting your tongue and blowing up .... every time.
Hold your mate accountable for making the solution happen, keep the pressure up, stay calm. and accept no bullshit.
Lather.... rinse..... repeat.
You're really kind winterglow
You're really kind winterglow. Thank you.
Aw, shucks. ☺
Aw, shucks. ☺
Please leave him. He is mean.
Please leave him. He is mean.
You are worth more.
Your English is excellent. Don't be so hard on yourself.
"I am bullied and verbally abused everytime I try to discuss and negociate this matter. "
Why do you tolerate this crap? You have to value yourself before anyone will value you as you should be valued. Ditch this DickHead, up your standards in a mate, and leave this POS and his shallow and polluted gene pool fading into your past as you go on to live your best life. Being happy is the best revenge. Live that revenge.
"he yells and bullies me for feeling this way"
He yells and bullies you because he does not have the intelligence, character, or capability to fix his parental failures. Do not tolerate it. Move on with your life.
"Feeling used and unappreciated"
You are being used and you are unappreciated. Why do you tolerate it and why do you continue to sacrifice yourself on the alter of martyrdom to this idiot and his crappy life choices? Don't do that.
"He's not a bad person all in all"
You are entirely wrong about that. He is a bad person. Not only is he a bad person he is abusive towards you and is an abject failure as a partner, a parent, an adult, and as a man. Complete.... and..... total..... failure.. Leave now. Embrace your new life adventure and purge this idiot and his shallow and polluted gene pool from your life.