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Why do I feel so guilty and overthink everything?

ICanMakeIt's picture

Submitted by ICanMakeIt on Tue, 06/29/2021 - 2:03pm

Previously I posted about SS requesting less Summer time visitation with Dad supposedly due to work but we found out that was bs. He never even inquired with his job. 

DH agreed to it and encouraged the good work ethic. 

DH took off the first week SS was here and we have done all the things he asked for (small one state over, overnight trip), fun place activities (think Dave and Buster type places), beach, etc. 

SS time is winding down. We had planned to go to Disney the 4th of July weekend. SS flies out early (BM purchased and chose date/time) Sat. We leave Friday after work.

I think I'm worried too much about how it looks, leaving him with Aunt when we leave and her taking him to airport early the next morning. At the same time, I don't think I should. He's the one that changed plans and why should his sister lose out on the trip. I don't think it would be worth going if we couldnt leave until Sat after doing the airport. We want to get there and sleep and hit the park all day Sat.

DH was initially weirded out but after much logisitic disucssion realized only way we could do our trip still would be to let SS go with Aunt. (Our side of family aunt). 

I keep making gentle comments to remind him he was initially included in the trip. I say stuff like "oh gosh I'm really sad you won't be there, I was looking forward to sharing xyz "our fav dessert only the two of us like".  It isn't like we planned this because he wasn't going to be here. I can just see this being used against us down the road.

I hate overthinking everything.  

 

Comments

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Tue, 06/29/2021 - 2:32pm

I wouldn't feel guilty. You said it yourself, SS was originally included in the trip plans. He requested less visitation and BM chose/booked his return ticket. Not your fault, completely out of your control, plus this trip was planned prior to all of these changes. Your DD shouldn't miss out on a fun family trip because BM and SS didn't plan accordingly. She shouldn't pay the price for being a biochild in an intact family. 

So many parents and stepparents try to coddle skids because of "how it looks" or "it has to be fair" because society sets these expectations that if you do for one child, you'll do for the other. I have learned that you can't use this logic because the differences between being a skid and a biokid aren't fair. Somewhere along the line, skids are going to miss out on something, due to visitation schedules, lack of planning, etc. But they also get double: double birthdays, holidays, vacations, etc. due to split households, where your bio only gets one. I feel like skids often feel more entitled too. They expect a car when they turn 16, they expect college to be paid for, luxury vacations, etc. all because their parents split and that has been difficult for them. They are put on a pedestal and treated differently out of fear; fear of skids or BM's reaction, fear of the court's reaction, fear of decreased visitation or withholding, so we teach skids that they are held to lesser standards, just for being skids. That's not life. The truth is you are doing the best you can with the cards that were dealt. 

If BM or SS try to hold it against you in the future, you lay out the facts. SS requested less visitation, BM arranged the return trip, and your vacation was planned well before all of this. In reality, you don't owe them an explanation, but facts are facts, no matter how much they suck. A little planning on SS and BM's part and SS could have attended.