Day 2 of summer with sd part 2
Soooooo at the hospital DH sent sd to spend the weekend with her mom. Hallelujah! Well he told her that was going to bring her swimsuit to her the next day (yesterday).
When he got there, they weren't home, so he called and asked her where she was. She said she and her mom were coming to pick up a few things.
So he comes home and they are just pulling up. She gets out.
SD: I'm not going to come back for a while.
DH: what does that mean?
SD: like a week or so.
DH: ok
Then DH heads back to his car to get the groceries he picked up. But BM calls him back over.
BM: can I speak to you for a minute
DH: yea, before it starts to storm
BM: she just feels like you never take her side. She is always dio depressed and hysterical everytime she comes back from your house. I always have to force her to go to your house.
*when the morning before she got here she posted a snap about how her mom told her she was GLAD she was going to her dad's something about how she can't stand her anymore.*
DH: I don't take sides, how am I supposed to take sides when she literally is also in the wrong, they all had their part to play in this. Why am i going to "take a side?"
BM: well I am not going to force her to come to your house.
DH: I'm a package deal (talking about me and my DDs like that honestly makes my heart swoon). Me and SM have worked for 10yrs to make this a family, but SD always tries to put a wedge between everyone.
BM: well maybe you could pick her up for dinner sometimes instead.
DH: ok, I kinda already have seen this coming for a while anyways.
Im not sure what else is said, this is all according to DH as I was not there, and he was quite distraught, but he isn't going to show it in front of BM and SD.
Soooo all this being said, I'm pretty sure sd is all of a sudden going to want to come back in time for our family vacation. DH says he'll let her come if she wanted, she is his family. But if she starts pulling this same crap, he'll take the 2hr drive and bring her back to her mom's so that I don't have to put up with it.
Why is your DH bringing SD
Why is your DH bringing SD her bathing suit? I'm sure she has more than one - most teenage girls do.
Also, why is he buying groceries for BM's house?
She brought all her swim
She brought all her swim suits to our house.
DH went to BMs house to bring sd swim suit, they weren't home, so DH came back home after getting groceries for our house, and BM and sd were pulling up to our house. Im sorry i made that confusing.
Vacation
Soz SD, no vacation for you this year.
Normally, I'm on the side of letting the skids go on the vacations but your SD needs a big consequence. If you tell everyone that you hate Dad's family, you don't get to go on the family vacation. If her behaviour improves, maybe but until then no.
I feel that way too, but she
I feel that way too, but she's DH's family, and as much as she's hurt him, he loves her, and he's hurt. But letting her come is also enabling her behavior, and if im honest, I'dhave a better time without her... I'm honestly soooo torn, but only because my husband being so hurt makes me sad.
What about echoing her
You could switch the narrative back to her. "SD, we want to respect your mental health concerns. Since visits with us are currently leaving you depressed and your mother feels that she is forcing you against your will to spend time with us, we are not going to insist that you come of vacation this year. What we'd like to do instead is to invest time over the coming year in therapy with you. You can now have a stress free summer without having to worry about being depressed with us on vacation. Hopefully if we all work really hard, you maybe ready for a vacation next year."
this is genius!
this is genius!
SD11 manipulates both sides
SD11 manipulates both sides over here. Telling BM she can't wait to go back to her house and wants to leave our house early. She comes BACK to our house claiming "how rude" her mom is and she "hates her". Idk, how old your SD is, but DH doesn't give SD11 enough credit. She knows how to "work" both parents. DH eats it up sometimes, only fueling the fire. Don't forget, negative attention is still attention. When SD isn't the center of everything, I personally feels she acts out to get a reaction out of people. If she didn't twist words around and life was grand, she wouldn't constantly be getting attention. Just my opinion though.
My sd is 16... DH always said
My sd is 16... DH always said "sd will know when she grows up, who her mother really is, and know that BM manipulated her all these years" yea, no, sd turned into BM
My DH says the EXACT same
My DH says the EXACT same thing. I think it's a sad little lie DHs tell themselves so they can think there is still hope. Also, I think DHs will never admit that their daughters turn out exactly like their mothers.
Your situation is similar to
Your situation is similar to ours, my SD now 18 has said and done a lot of things that sounds a lot like your SD. When my SD was almost 16, she moved out of our house (previously supposed to be 50/50, and we live in same town as BM), and she has not stayed here since. There are periods where things are "ok", but the last 6 months have been little to no contact, for reasons of "she just can't do it anymore" because we exclude her from things and we are mean to her and don't make her feel welcome. it truly comes down to perspective, because the few specific cases she has mentioned, I can point to ans say she was inconsiderate at best and a selfish, hateful person at worst. However, our BM is firmly in SD's court and prefers to be more of a friend than parent, and also tells SD things that influence her negatively about DH and I. To our faces, BM plays the role of the concerned mother and tells DH she is so worried about his and SD's relationship. It has torn DH up, he goes from being angry to devastated to sad, he has basically been cut out of his daughter's life (until she needs money or wants to get a hateful jab in) I feel for you, it is so frustrating and hard to see all this play out
SD22 Feral Forger
She has been to the ER more times than I can count on 2 hands. Shes always doing drama. And at one point she was what I termed a "boomerang child", always getting upset at one house, then packing bags (garbage bags) and going to the others. On 50/50 visitation schedule. This happened because it was allowed.
And I dont have bios to lay blame on, so it was always ME that was scapegoated. "You always take HER side, cant you just for once take MY side?" And of course Toxic Troll adds her layers of guilt too "your girls MISS you and want to BOND with you, they feel your choosing CLove over THEM all the time." etc etc.
Kids are used as a tool to hurt and cause drama, and pretty soon they learn how to do this on their own, as well as "activate the high conflict bio parent". I lay low and keep my head down, at least for the next 2 years and 10 months. After that, at least threats of court go away.
An X who accuses the other parent of choosing their mate over
An X who accuses the other parent of choosing their mate over their failed family progeny is a dumb ass. Make that a verified dumb ass. A mate trumps kids... period. It is not a matter of choosing a mate over children. Spouses are the unequivocal prioring for each other. Kids are the top responsibility for all of the adults in the blended family dynamic regardless of which side of the equation that land in.
As for threats of court.... my position is and always has been... bring it on! The opposition in our blended family adventure learned early to never threaten court because we delivered every time they threatened. Every time they threatened and we filed, they motioned for us to pay their legal bills... Nope! We always had their threats of court documented and the Judge always ruled that each party was responsible for their own legal bills.
They had a parade of cheap and inexperienced lawyers while we had the most dominating lawyer we could find. We paid for the training of opposition lawyers for nearly the entire duration of the CO. It got to the point where our lawyer would speak to their lawyer and then their lawyer would fire them as clients.
It worked great!
One last court run in the next 10mos or so should lock TT out of court until Traitor/Munch ages out from under the CO at which point any further issue with TT and even the manipulative spawn is mute. The spawn do as they are told or they get no Daddy/CLove support and no com from TT is accepted.
Let us know when that party is scheduled.