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Stuff it DOWN

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Mon, 07/12/2021 - 12:31pm

I just had to get this out. Today.

So...things with SD15 backstabber/Munchkin have been pretty smooth sailing. Each of us on best behavior, me leaving her completely alone (even when she asked me for dandruff shampoo, I just refer to her father "ask your father"...) and yesterday we all went out for a nice lunch.

A new place. Expensive.

I brought up subject of school, asked "so heard anything about how school will go this fall" innocuous. 

Her: "oh yeah for sure my ROTC will be in person, but I havent heard anything else..."

ME: "So, you probably can guess, sophomore year will be much harder...they were really super easier on everyone...no one got failed really...entire semester to get all assignments done...retake quizzes for higher scores...etc...."

Her: "Oh I got everything in, and did some during class, but the teachers got mad because they thought I wasnt listening, but I got most everything in..." and then another tangent "and it was hard because instead of giving us work at different times, they sometimes gave us work all at the same time"

Me: "again, they gave all semester to turn things in, so it really didnt matter if they had staggard it or gave assignments all at once...it was the same thing..."

silence....

Oh I so wanted to go on a venting rant, but we kept everything light and fun. DH paid, of course... his little darling can try to cover her a$$ but it doesnt fly with me anymore. 

Comments

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Mon, 07/12/2021 - 1:46pm

What she does or don't do is not your problem.  If she passes or fails , not your problem.  She is not going to listen to you anyway.  You must stay disengage 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Mon, 07/12/2021 - 1:56pm

When I hear inane comments like "I turned in ALL my work" or "it was hard because"...

I am looking forward to a time when I simply dont care. Not about repercussions or enything...to do with SD15.

Livingoutloud's picture

Submitted by Livingoutloud on Mon, 07/12/2021 - 8:14pm

Well she made those stupid comments because you brought up subject of school. Did you think she's going to say someyng profound? You don't want to hear stupid talk and it's hard for you to handle stupidity of teens, then don't bring up school. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Mon, 07/12/2021 - 1:58pm

Oh, wah, life is hard. 

CLove, practice biting your tongue. Drop the subject of school and talk about anything else!!! 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Mon, 07/12/2021 - 2:00pm

To make a point...

But I really do need to talk about the potatos and corn and shrimp with cajun spices...

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Mon, 07/12/2021 - 2:10pm

I want a gumbo recipe from an old woman named Mawmaw Thibodeaux-Landry, who can bare-knuckle box a a gator while reciting the Holy Rosary in Cajun French... *dirol*

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Mon, 07/12/2021 - 2:58pm

Yes, me too.

AgedOut's picture

Submitted by AgedOut on Mon, 07/12/2021 - 2:06pm

learn to change your replies when she talks about school. Instead of anything to do w/ hert in school go w/ "I saw x,y,z on tv thew other day. it looked fun" or "I'm thinking of planting an herb garden" or anything else so you are deliberately removing yourself from all schooling issues. That's a path you cannot set toe 1 on.

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Mon, 07/12/2021 - 2:57pm

For me its roses. Herbs work too.

I just need a special herb tea that takes away my desires for retribution and repercussions!

AgedOut's picture

Submitted by AgedOut on Mon, 07/12/2021 - 3:01pm

Remember any friendliness that goes above polite Aunt is going to blow up on you. She has learned how to get what she wants, she will do it again. You can't ask about school. You can't care about her education or her special wants. You are a tool for her now. She will follow her pattern and do it to you agian. 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Mon, 07/12/2021 - 3:10pm

Yes. Must remain friendly auntie. No more parenting. 

She is very smart and knows how to pull my heartstrings pretty well by now. 7 years of practice...

Just a tool.

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Mon, 07/12/2021 - 5:28pm

Go into a detailed conversation about deadheading...

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Mon, 07/12/2021 - 2:34pm

I brought up subject of school

Stop doing that. Not your problem, remember? Ask the question, for whatever reason, and she will think you care and will try to drag you back in, again. Stop.

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Mon, 07/12/2021 - 2:56pm

Need to get over that need in me to drive the point home. Its pointless and will only cause problems later.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Submitted by notsurehowtodeal on Mon, 07/12/2021 - 10:15pm

She is never going to get the point you are trying to make. No one cares about this girl's schooling, except you. I totally understand your desire for SD and DH to validate you and admit you were right about school - because you were! But it is never going to happen.

You really need to quit bringing it up. One way to help yourself care less about school is to not discuss it with her in any way.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Submitted by Wicked stepmo. on Mon, 07/12/2021 - 4:05pm

It's hard to break old habits. You have to find a way to distract yourself when the urge strikes you to act like a parent or show interest in her education. 

It took me a while, but even now when SO lies to me saying OSD did pretty good this year she only had the one bad marking period. I let him have his delusional moment and just say ok and let it go.

Let me tell you when you finally get to that point where you truly don't care, it is very freeing. 

 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Mon, 07/12/2021 - 4:10pm

I will feel free when I dont care.

Im not quite there yet. She keeps trying to draw me in. She keeps saying things that make my stomach churn.

I keep reliving the whole experience when speaking to my friends.

Ive not taken her ANYWHERE this summer thus far. Did not buy her anything for her birthday nor did I give her money.

I hardly cook when shes there. I avoid talking through her door or anything to do with asking her to do things to help around the house. We attended a beautiful wedding. She asked how it was. "very pretty", period. No photos even though shes known the groom since before she was born. I took a bunch of pics. The list grows.

DH better not say anything. Anyway I set him up with parent portal back in May and he refused to look at it. So he wouldnt even attempt to fluff it out like that. He knows I know he doesnt really know. He just repeats "she told me she did well..."

Livingoutloud's picture

Submitted by Livingoutloud on Mon, 07/12/2021 - 8:15pm

There are other ways to care. You make it sound like caring means constantly asking stepkids about school and comment that they must do better in school. The semester is over, it's summer break, it's ok not to bug SD about school. Why even talk about school? Talk about something else 

 Plus there is no point to harp on how last year went. She wants to vent how teachers assigned it all at once. Sometimes it's ok to let them vent. Don't stoop to their level to argue about details. Her vent is stupid. But most 15 year olds vent about stupid stuff.

You don't have to argue with her that she is wrong on things that don't even matter. Change  the subject or nod. For you making critical comment means caring but for her it doesn't look that way. You've learned hard way that she'll call harassment what  you think was parenting. Step back. Back off and show your care in other ways if you care. Or just keep it light. 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Tue, 07/13/2021 - 2:19pm

Yeah, Ive organized a short weekend trip for us - DH, SD15 and myself  - and will take her on a snorkel tour just us (that DH is paying for) as well as a touring and all that. Beach stuff.

So she gets a taste of what she threw away with both hands. So she can finally understand that I am not a tool to be used and tossed away. So that perhaps she will be motivated to better herself...who knows what else...

Absolutely no parenting will occur. This isnt the first time shes activated her mother against me. And each time, Ive cried on here. And each time the same advice. So...this WILL be the last time. Lesson learned.

I know that this is typical 15 year old stuff. BUT its not typical to have these feelings towards it. Just need to stuff them down better.

Livingoutloud's picture

Submitted by Livingoutloud on Sun, 07/18/2021 - 5:46am

But how did she throw it away when you still plan fun events and trips for her and making sure she is taking care of on the trip?

What do you mean no parenting will occur? You planned a trip, you planned snorkeling, going on a beach and touring. These are kind of plans parents make. More so you'll take care of her when actual parents doing his own thing. So you are and you'll be doing full blown parenting.

How is she going to understand not to use you as a tool if once again you make sure she can take full advantage of you and your time on the trip? 

It's not very logical Clove. You keep saying what you are going to do yet you do the opposite. If you wanted her to have the taste of what she missed you'd not be planning trips and you'd not be doing parenting. You'd let parents do that