BM likes to create issues...
This is my first time posting. I found this website because I don't want to keep telling my husband these feelings. Mostly because I know he feels the same way and we both don't know what to do. He ex wife is not a good person. She has been in and out of the kids lives for 3 years. It all started when she left them in his drive way to move to Texas in the middle of the night. She has come and gone but this time has stayed for a year. I am pretty sure it's because I am now permanently in the picture and she realized she might actually lose her kids to someone stable. After taking her to court we have 50/50 custody. But once a month she likes to being up some kind of drama. Last month it was her protesting to my family watching my SD. SD has pretty serious anxiety and since I know anxiety far too well I was able to walk her through her anxiety attack. This month it's that my husband abandoned his son. Who chose to move. Who refuses to speak to us. And that my other SD wants to move out as well. I try not to even say her name at this point because even her name makes me anxious. I am terrified to get closer to these kids as she continues to bring up issues and most of them involve me and my kids. I love these kids and i just want to show them I love them. But I know it will make their lives so much worse. My SD wasn't allowed to invite me to her graduation because BM said she wouldn't go if I was there. I understood her decision but it hurt. A lot. I guess I just feel so lost. So anxious about how the kids will act when they come over. Is everything she said a lie? Or are we really going to lose SD like we did SS? I just want to feel like I can love these kids without having them be punished for it.
- Anxious.SM.chris's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
So I will tell you that
BM will continue to do this and this is her way of staying relevant. High conflict BM's like this stir up unreasonable drama and will also try to take control where it is not their right to do so. Does your husband have a court order? If so, is it in the CO that she has to be notified or has a say on who besides your husband stays with the kids? If it does not have in there that BM has a say in the matter then it is not up to BM. I know it is hard to not get upset or bothered by this because it is totally unnecessary drama that these sorts of BM's pull and they will try any way they can to get control.
Thank you
Just having other people understand what I am going through makes me feel a lot better. We do have a court order and it specifies she only needs to have the address and phone number of where child care will be provided. She has that.
Have you emphasize her lack of control completely makes sense. It got worse when we got married as she finally had to accept he has moved on. It felt like he was her back up plan for the future. Her stirring it up makes complete sense and I really appreciate the advice. Anything else that might help with dealing with her?
I feel the same
I struggle with that feeling constantly. Sometimes I pull away because I'm scare to be vulnerable. I would say to just love the kid even if the BM is "inconsiderate" thats the nicest word I can say here lol. Yet that is easier said and done. I started going to therapy and it has helped tremendously and if its affecting your relationship with your husband go to couples therapy. Find another SM who is going through the same thing as well.
You have to come to terms
You have to come to terms with your situation. BM needs to have all the control and will do whatever it takes to have it. You are a threat, these are her kids and she needs to be the center of thier universe, whether she deserves that title or not.
Yes it's very possible that she will turn SD the way she has SS because as her children they will want their mothers love which is conditional.
There is nothing you can do to change, stop or prevent BM from her controlling behavior. SKs relationship with you, their father and BM is something they have to figure out for themselves and learn to navigate on their own.
Right now it sounds like your SKs want a relationship with their mother and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. All you can do is not take it personally and not invest so much emotional energy into something you can't change.