OT - DH asks for financial advice but thinks I want to steal his money
DH continues to take things out on me. BM has been contacting him near daily to discuss the SD braces situation. Every time he talks to BM he starts regarding me with suspicion. We usually get along fine but after talking to BM he stops trusting me and gets one of those all women are like that (AWALT) mindsets.
I have a finance degree. He asks me for financial advice but never follows it. About 3 years ago he asked me about what to do with his retirement investments. I advised him to put more of his money into stocks and less into bonds. I showed him how I have mine invested and said he should do the same. I did this in part to prove that I wasn't giving him advice I wouldn't use myself.
If you have been paying attention, the stock market has shot up like a rocket in the last three years, he didn't listen to me and left most of his money in bonds so he missed out on this growth. I told him that I was disappointed that he didn't change it and he acts like I should be the one getting into the program and managing his retirement investment for him. I gladly would but he is never giving me the log on or assured me how to do it so I can't.
This talk came up again and he told me how much he is putting into his retirement every month, it's a pretty big chunk. He's also going to be eligible for a military pension. I don't know how much he has in there but if he has a good nest egg already then he might want to think about not putting quite as much into his retirement account and investing a chunk of it into a brokerage account where he could more easily access it before he turns 59.
All of a sudden he got nasty with me and said "you get it all anyway when I die."
The whole idea behind me suggesting diverting some of the savings into a brokerage account would be that he could enjoy it and retire early rather than locking it up in his retirement account...
Not once did I ever suggest that he should give it to me or that I should be entitled to any of it but he acted as though me telling him not to dump so much money into his retirement savings was me trying to get at it. BM looted his accounts when she left him and as a result he's always been a bit weird about money. I think he sees putting not in the retirement account is putting it "out of my reach". He's very generous but gets resentful if anybody ever tells him how he should spend it. But this was a setup he asked me what to do with his money and I gave him my suggestion and then he got nasty with me about it. BTW I make as much as he does...
I just can't with this guy anymore. Whenever he gets like this I just end the conversation and leave the room. Of course then he starts pouting and says that I'm being mean to him.
- SeeYouNever's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
When he asks again in the
When he asks again in the future:
"DH, I will no longer provide financial advice to you because you get angry at me and don't listen. I'm not interested any longer."
Then walk away.
He'll probably pout or get defensive. Just keep saying it and stick to it. If he tries to bait you into a fight:
"Stop right there. This conversation goes no further. I will not be disrespected for my boundaries."
For what it's worth, I feel your pain. DH and I are about to go toe-to-toe about something different. He's being super sweet because he knows it's coming and that he effed up. Not my job to manage his insecurities and fears. Same goes for you.
This is definitely what I
This is definitely what I need to do.
"You ask for my advice and then don't take it. You want me to manage your account but you won't give me the log on. I'm tired of you giving me mixed expectations and reactions it's just not worth it for me to have this conversation with you"
Don't ask for my help if you don't want to accept it! I was thinking that maybe he is getting defensive because whenever we have this conversation I light up when talking about it because this is a topic that interests me. I have a finance degree after all! Maybe he is reading that interest in the topic is interested in his money.
He's been divorced once already I don't count my chickens before they're hatched.
Is this one of those things like teaching your spouse to drive?
I completely illogically can't stand it when my DH tries to "teach" me to snowboard. I know he's right. I know that he is just telling what an instructor would tell me BUT I can't hear this from him. To my ears, from DH is sounds like critisism. I know it isn't but it still bugs me. So to get around this, I pay for lessons and DH has agreed not to try to "help".
Would a potential solution to this particular problem be for you guys to get a financial coach/advisor? Your DH might find it easier to hear this from a 3rd party.
I hadn't thought of it this
I hadn't thought of it this way but I think you might be right. Since I expressed disappointment that he didn't listen to my advice last time that's probably him just hearing criticism. There have been a lot of I told you so moments in our relationship, particularly in regard to SD and BM. After a couple I told you so is he started listening to me a lot more. With this I think he hasn't gotten over his pride yet. He's very good at earning money but he's pretty dumb with it once it ends up in his hands.
THIS is excellent.
THIS is excellent.
My DH gets frustrated frequently because I listen to others over him even if I know he is right because it does come across as criticism, or it triggers my own insecurities that I haven't fully worked through. I have found myself only asking for his advice on things that I know he is an expert in, then ask others about other things even if I think he knows the answer. I haven't figured out a better way yet to handle it.
Cheers
Financial advisor is the answer
My DH is similar to yours. He likes to rebel when I tell him things, even when he has asked my opinion. He doesnt undetstand finance nowadays, his solution to investment decisions is "take it all out and put it under the mattress". Lol. Im laughing but that is exactly what he'd like to do.
Having a finance advisor helping make the decisions has been perfect. "Arthur thinks we should xyz". He grumbles but won't rebel against the FA. Win, win.
When my dh shows me someone
When my dh shows me someone he is skilled at I am not upset. He basically treats me the same. He is not petulant also. I can't stomach a grown man that pouts and sulks Like a scolded two year old. Not much of a marriage you have there seeyounever. Sad ro say.
It is alredy "yours", yours
It is alredy "yours", yours being the plural version of the word.
My DW knows every detail of our investments including all of my 401Ks, IRAs, brokerage accounts, etc... .and I know every detail of hers. We do not have my money and her money, we have our money. We both have term life insurance policies that the other is the beneficiary of. This whole separate finances within a marriage thing is a bit foreign to me though in a blended family marriage I certainly understand that there are circumstances where they make sense.
Your DH is an idiot. He has a pro he shares his life with and he does not take your advice....
smh