How often should Stepson sleep over
Hi everyone. Apologies if This in wrong place, I'm new here. I would love some advice please.
My partner recently moved in with me & my 3 daughters. I own my own house, I work and I've brought the girls up alone for past 7 years. We have been used to being an all girl house.
My two youngest (14 and 10)have Autism & don't do well with change but have adjusted really well to my new partner who is amazing with them. The problem is his son and his ex wife.
His son(9) has Autism and ADHD & is very loud. He never stops moving or shouting. His mum won't look after him on weekends(finds him too difficult) and asked us to have him 3 weekends each month(the 4th weekend he is to stay with his older brother who has his own house). I have agreed to 2 weekends per month(reluctantly) but I've never felt it was suitable. He has no bedroom here so sleeps on the sofa. He has a bedroom both at his mums and his brothers. They live 5 minutes from me. My kids & I are really stressed.
Previous to moving in with me, my partner lived with his older son and they shared responsibility for the boy 3 nights & then his mum had him for 3 nights and so on. It takes a village to rear this wee boy as he has such complex behaviours.
I feel sad that my girls & I have him two weekends. I could honestly cope with one weekend per month. But two is too much. I want to ask my partner to spend the second weekend back with both his sons. This would be more manageable for the girls and I but I'm afraid it will cause a rift. I pray my partner will offer this or notice how detrimental this arrangement is for everyone. I feel that the only beneficiary of this arrangement is his ex wife who gets all her weekends free.
After along week at work & my own kids I can't then face the weekends with his son. My house doesn't feel like mine, or a safe space for my kids. I am starting to have doubts about marrying him(wedding is booked for next year) incase I end up somehow parenting him full-time if something 'happened' to his mum in the future or say she decided she wants him even less.
Am I being selfish? Should my partner not see how much this could harm our relationship. Is it necessary for his son to sleep here when we all live so close to each other?
P.s his ex wife doesn't work or drive. She asks for help from everyone. I feel taken advantage of :-(
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Comments
Honestly, this is a situation
Honestly, this is a situation where you two should live separately until your kids are grown. All the kids have special needs and none of them need to be be dealing with this kind of "blending" situation, including his son. So make it about the kids and not about you. He can move back in with his older son and come spend time with you when his son is with his mother.
It sounds like he is only
It sounds like he is only taking visitation 2-3 weekends a month.. It might be able to work out that he just has the visitaion at his older son's home... he could still live with OP.. but leave those 4-6 nights to spend with his son elsewhere...?
Doesn't seem fair to his son
Doesn't seem fair to his son that he's cut down his custody time already, leaving BM to handle the kid all the time. He should go raise the kid and not move in with her at all.
You are being taken advantage of
I would cancel the wedding until this is worked out to your satisfaction.
The #1 priority is your relationship, I get that, and the #1 responsibility is your children. You are responsible for the well-being of your bios, and this is adversely affecting them.
You might want to try dating this man, while he lives somewhere else. The prior situation that he had would work.
You sound pretty solid and have everything working well, so if this is dragging you down and your kids along with it, time for some changes...
I hate that the BM's have so much power. I going through this myself. That they can "decide" they cant deal with their kids, so the fob them off on someone else...but still somehow remain mother of the year...is beyond me, but I see that...!
I'm no fan of BM's and their
I'm no fan of BM's and their demands (and it's rare I would defend them), however she already has the kid on all week days so I don't think it's unreasonable that she wants help on the weekends - especially since he's a difficult child. She might not work but no doubt she's also exhausted by the end of the week dealing with her son on her own.
I personally find it really sad that the oldest son cops some of the responsiblity and I think thats a massive abrogation of responsiblity on the part of DH and BM. If care of the kid was shared between DH and BM equally then it wouldn't be necessary to dump on others.
That being said, I understand where OP is coming from and I think she needs to priortise her kids wellbeing by returning to the prior arrangement and just dating until the kids are grown up (as you suggested).
Except this guy had 50/50 now
Except this guy had 50/50 now he expects BM to keep the kid all the time. How is that fair to her?
I also don't think it's fair
I also don't think it's fair to OP that she works during the week and has to have SS on all of her days off (or most of them since the brother is taking a weekend.) I know some things can't be helped, but i think every weekend custody is rough if you work a M-F job. I wonder if the dad can take him some weekdays to make the arrangement more equitable.
It's also not fair to the SS to be stuck on the couch. He may be less annoying if he has his own space and some privacy. I said OP isn't selfish because she seems to be making a lot of sacrifices and her SO gets a free place to live (maybe - i may have missed where she said he contributes financially.) Why hasn't this guy ever had his own place with SS? If they did move in together, it would make more sense to get a bigger place where SS could also have a room. I don't agree with the solution being that BM or the brother take more time. The dad has to pull his weight too.
ETA child support also plays in. Is SO paying BM to be the "custodial parent?" If he is, is that why he can't afford his own place or to help with a bigger place? OP also doesn't mention if her daughters are there 100% of the time. It's less "fair" to have yours full-time and not want your SO to have his even half. Unless he expects OP to do his parenting for him while she parents her own too. A lot of factors go into making a situation decent vs hellish IMO.
ETA again that 3/4 of the kids involved have autism. Structure and routine are important. Maybe living apart until some have launched would work, if launching is an option. If not, this situation will require careful planning. You can't just shuffle these kids around without expecting behavior issues.
Nope
This arrangement is not good for anyone involved. You, your kids, DH, or SS.
You need to have your kids in a calm environment for them. SS needs his dad, he too deserves to spend time with his dad. With both of you living under the same roof it wont be good for anyone.
Imagine if your DH asked you to have your girls less? That would be shitty. Well likewise is the same.
Do not live together, do not marry...yet, please.
Your partner is obligated to
Your partner is obligated to be a parent for his minor child. That includes keeping him overnight and providing a place for him to safely sleep when he has custody.
That custody arrangement could range all the way up to 100% full time custody.. and as such your partner could be obligated to keep his son full time. Right now, that isn't the case.. but it could be. It sounds like he used to have 50/50.. now that is somewhat reduced and he just has a few weekends a month.
You do have to realize that this man could end up being a full time father.. his EX could die.. not be capable of taking custody etc.. so there is always the chance you could end up with the child in your home full time.
But, right now that is not the case. He is doing it 2-3 weekends a month.. or 4-6 nights +/-. Honestly.. anything up to 50% would be really reasonable for a parent to have custody of their child.. so in itself those number of days is reasonable.
BUT.. the problem is that your partner did not ensure that his home could accomodate his son. THAT is your partner's failure. It's not your fault the home isn't big enough for his child, but he shouldn't have moved in when there wasn't room for him to fulfill his obligation to his son.
You, also should not have agreed to allow your partner to move in knowing he had this obligation and that it would be a disruption and difficult on your children due to their own issues.
Honestly, between your kids and his having issues it seems the best option is for you to both maintain separate homes... just continue to date.
You could also ask for him to have his custody with his son outside your home too. Perhaps his older son would welcome his dad in for those weekends?
But, while this may have beenyour home originally, you agreed to share it with him and he should have rights to have his child in the home.. just like you do.. it's his home too now. If you aren't comfortable with giving him that right (I am assuming he pays to stay there too?) then he should not have agreed to move in knowing you couldn't accomodate his visitation which he has at the very least a MORAL obligation to provide for his son.
And... this child is equally his as his ex wife's.. he has just as much obligation to care for the kid. If she can't... then he needs to do it.
Thanks everyone. I really
Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the time & advice. I am just so very unhappy with the arrangement & was happier dating him & enjoying my time with him.
I will talk to him ASAP & explain to him. If the situation doesn't change I know I can't marry him. I just feel sad today. Thank you for the support
What's sad is that your BF
What's sad is that your BF doesn't seem to be doing the right thing for his son. He really had no business moving in when your house couldn't accomodate him and his son right? I don't know how many bedrooms there are in the home.. but honestly the kid on the couch is just wrong. He should have his own room when he is there. A private space to sleep. If that means your girls would share for that time.. then that is what the compromise should have been.
Of course, he doesn't have the right to demand you make your kids share a room.. but he could certainly have said.. "I can only move in if we carve out a room for my son to use during his visitation" but he didn't..
If you weren't going to be able to agree to that.. then he should not have moved in.. or you both should have looked into a larger home.
I will say, that while having another high needs kid come and go in the home.. and the fact that you all were used to being a "girl den".. I don't think it's necessarily harmful for your daughters to learn how to deal with some amount of change in their lives. Unless they are going to be living with you and not out in society working/living.. they are going to experience change.. chaos.. noise etc... Sure, they should have some sanctuary in their own space within the home.. but learning to deal with the out of the ordinary and some routine disrupting? that will be in their lives in the future.. what better time than to help them develop coping skills than right now???
In other words.. if you don't expose them to the world.. then the world is going to chew them up and spit them out someday.
But, I don't know the extent of their issues.. whether they are truly never going to be able to be independent from you.
If they are super high needs and unable to function at all in society.. then bringing your BF and his son into the home is unfair to them ... also unfair to everyone since no one can be happy.
"Am I being selfish?" Only a
"Am I being selfish?" Only a stepmom would ask herself that in this situation. You work, own a home, and provide for your 3 girls, 2 of which have special needs. You give your SO a place to live, and have dealt with behavior problems from his son.
Are you being selfish? Who cares? Your daughters are suffering due to both your SO and the BM's issues and lack of ability to deal with them without significant help. BM gets childcare all weekend every weekend and doesn't even work. Your SO hasn't had to put a roof over his own head in God knows how long. Has he even offered to pitch in on a bigger place to get SS off the couch?
I agree with the posters who say live apart until the kids are grown. If your SO breaks up with you over that, you know what he was in it for.
He is this child’s father
He should take care of his son. Not fair to BM having her son dump on her. Your SO should be taking his son on all weekends, holidays, and half the summer. That bring a real parent.
Its up to you what you do. You have no responsibility for FSS. If SO wants to live with you he must make some type of arrangements for his son. Built a bed room , type apartment for him.
It this is not good for you then just end it. Always remember, BM can at anytime died, become disabled, Or on a weekend you have SS just run off with a boy toy sending a text of see you.
You're not being selfish, but
You're not being selfish, but this is the reality of marrying someone who has kids (unless you decide to live separately). While you and your children shouldn't feel uncomfortable in your own home, you also can't expect your partner to live with you and your children without having the option of his own child being brought into the new blended family fold. He's a SP just as you are, and his feelings on that subject are just as valid as yours are.
This sounds like a compatibility issue, and that is far more important than feeling love for your partner. Both of you have high needs children. Those needs, and the care required for each, don't seem to align. While that doesn't mean you can't continue to be with your partner, it's going to make blending families difficult.
There are three ways to approach this. First, you can examine whether you and your SO should get a bigger place to accommodate everyone (and determine if extra space would help in this situation). Second, your SO could live with you during the week but live with his eldest son (or in a separate apartment; I personally think it's unhealthy for the relationship with his eldest to rely on him for babysitting and housing) on the weekends. Third, you can be together but live apart, either permanently or until the kids are old enough to launch.
It's not selfish to expect your home to remain your sanctuary, but it is selfish to expect your SO to give up time with his son to accommodate you. Especially when your own children are high needs, too.
I agree with many of the
I agree with many of the others who said yes and no to being selfish. No, you aren't selfish to want peace in your home but yes, you are in expecting your FH to only see his kid 4-6 days a month. That is not a meaningful relationship for them- can you imagine only seeing your kids for that short amount of time?
What did your FH say when you brought things up to him yesterday?
I think it's time your SO
I think it's time your SO learned to parent his son effectively by himself. I feel very sorry for his elder son who seems to be considered as a third parent (which he shouldn't) and suppose this has to do with his father living with him and taking visitation of his other son there. You said you felt taken advantage of ... well, you are, but not by bm. You and the elder son are both being take advantage of by your SO. If yoiur SO wants a grown up relationship with you then it's time he dealt with his responsibilities rather than foist them (and I'm sorry for that terminology because life is hard enough on his younger son and he doesn't need to be considered a burden on others too) on other people.
Soooooo, I think your SO should move out of your home and into an appartment where he can have his visitation with his son in circumstances that are comfortable for both of them. He actually needs to do this to understand why his expectations of other people are unreasonable. He also needs to learn to cope with his son alone. He is his father and, as such, should be looking out for his son and how to help him grow up, how to get him the help he needs. All should not be transferred to his ex ... nor to you.
Make this a pre-requisite for marriage - a year in his own appartment where he can take his visitation with his son. Also parenting classes. Followed by plans on how to accommodate this visitation should you decide to marry him and, no, having the boy sleeping on the couch is not decent accommodation.
What kid of help is the boy getting? Is there a plan? Does he see specialists? What does his schooling look like? I am asking these questions to see how involved your SO is in his child's life.
Finally, none of what you resent (and you have every right to) is really the bm's fault. Looking afte a child like this (as you have observed) is absolutely exhausting. It's only to be expected that she needs a break now and then. Also, the child has TWO parents, one of whom does nearly all the parenting and only expects 6 days per month without him. Put the blame where it should lie. Your SO has taken virtually no responsibility for his son (4 days a month?!). You would not be dealing with this situation if he had had his own place to live because he wouldn't have been in such a hurry to move in, right?
It's time for your SO to become a fully-fledged parent and to stop leaning on anyone else he can take advantage of.
Good luck.