Constant calls
Hi first time here. Sorry if wrong place to post. Really struggling after a big argument with wife today. Her son, my step son (8) lives with us but visits his dad at least 3 evenings/nights a week including full weekends every other. Don't get me wrong it's great they have a good relationship and I think it's important but when's enough enough. Me and my wife are in a same sex relationships, and this is completely accepted by family, friends and step son who loves the three of us being together and is the absolute cutest. BD has a long term girlfriend and SD and a baby on the way, co-parenting generally works well but it has some issues...
my main issue is how often he calls and when, 8am every morning as we are all trying to get ready for school and work, then causing added stress as SS is chatting and not getting ready. Then at dinner time when he knows we will be sitting down as a family to eat or we are about to and then at bed time, delaying SS going to bed in time when he knows what time he goes to bed. On the weekends we have him he will call several times a day even when we are on holidays/trips away he calls during the day several times. If my wife doesn't answer her phone (only time she doesn't if we genuinely are to busy) he sends shitty messages. When he's spending time with his dad wife may call once over 48 hour period to check in.
I'v spoke to my wife who says although it annoys her she will never stop him calling, and this turns into a big argument. I'v never suggested that they stop or need to be plannned calls or restricted or anything at all but is it unreasonable to ask for less calls and at more considerate times? BD gets very abusive and arguementative if wife suggests anything so she basically goes along with what ever he tells her to for an easy life, which I kinda get after 8 years of verbal abuse from him and he will try to manipulate SS against her. But it's effecting our relationship. My wife does not understand why it bothers me... am I wrong by being bothered????
I also argue she needs to be getting him to be a parent rather than a friend. SS barely washes or cleans teeth there, he doesn't do any homework and gets exactly what he wants. He dictates food, activities, conversation - everything I mean absolutely everything. SS knows this and when gets challenged by me or my wife when acting like that with us he says 'sorry, I been with my dad to long I forgot to change me attitude coming home' Even SS says 'you and mum are my parents and my dads my mate'. I love my SS and I love parenting him but why should we have to do all the 'boring stuff' and limit our time together to catch up on missed homework especially as he is there nearly half the time these days.
Sorry if this is just a waffle but I'm at my wits end.
Am I in the wrong? Please be honest.
No I don't think you are
No I don't think you are wrong at all. When SS is with you it's your time and BD should not be intruding so much. However, if your wife is not prepared to put boundaries in place and stick to them then there's nothing you can do. As for how BD parents, that one is a losing battle I think. It's his right to parent how he wants when SS is in his custody so while your wife can make her objections known, there isn't anything she can really do.
Co-parenting is about choosing your battles. I would push your wife to set boundaries on the calls and document all the bad parenting stuff as that may come in handy down the track if you want to try and change custody.
Thank you
Thank you so much for replying.
To be honest it's the calls that bother me the most, I want them to have a relationship and would never expect them not to call but I just think it's so disrespectful and unnecessary especially as he sees him so often. At the moment it's 3 phone calls a day minimum at key times of the day.
any ideas how to explain this to wife, or how wife can explain to BD without an argument??
Make it more about your SS
Make it more about your SS and broader impacts to the whole faqmily as oopposed to being about you and how you feel. Going back and forth between houses can be unsettling for kids and if BD is constantly calling then your SS never really has the chance to settle in your home and that's likely to make him feel somewhat anxious. It also disrupts his time with his family (ie you and your wife) and that's not ideal for bonding.
Further, all pychologists say that families who eat together and talk have better relationships and BD is disrupting a key time you can all sit down and talk ie dinner time.
Bottom line, this isn't for the benefit of SS it's for the benefit of BD who sounds highly manipulative. Encourage your wife to see the damage it is doing to everyone and set some boundaries ie calls don't happen during your designated family time like dinners etc and perhaps calls should be when SS wants to talk to his Dad as opposed to when BD wants it.
Best of luck!
How often does BM call when
How often does BM call when the child is with the dad. Maybe she should start calling at the same times.
She doesn’t call
I'm going to ask her tonight to start calling as much as he does, it might make him realise the impact it is having. But the thing is my wife is so against doing anything that might cause an arguement with him because he gets so nasty.
to me it feels like his feelings are more important than mine and when I say this she says no she just wants an easy life and doesn't see why it effects me.
baring in mind I treat SS as if he is my own, parenting wise.
Controlling
Apparently I'm being controlling by feeling like this and it shouldn't feel like this
Gaslighting
You are not the one being controlling ... but you already knew that.
That's just your wife's
That's just your wife's excuse for her weakness in avoiding conflict with BD - she needs to own that.
If having an easy life is
If having an easy life is more important to her than consistency for her child, peace and routine in her home, and, most importantly for you - your relationship, you know where you stand. She may just want a relationship with a person who is willing to be an accessory to her life, not a life partner. You are not an accessory.
Sounds like she has a high
Sounds like she has a high conflict ex. While she can't control how he parents, she absolutely can set limits on how much he calls and how disruptive to your lives she allows him to be.
any ideas how to explain this
any ideas how to explain this to wife, or how wife can explain to BD without an argument??
Nothing may work, if bio dad is really a jerk, but she might try to explain that it negatively affects their son when he interrupts his routines.
Taking phone calls, when he's supposed to be sitting down to dinner, is rude and BD is just encouraging that. Him calling him when SS is supposed to be getting ready for school or bed is not teaching him about priorities and responsibility but maybe bio dad doesn't care about any of that.
None of that matters if your wife is afraid to stand up to her ex and be in control of her own household. She shouldn't let SS take calls when he's supposed to be doing something else. There are better times when he can talk to his dad.
Managing the call times and frequency is not stopping the calls.
Your bride needs to pull her head out of her ass and put her X in his place by minimizing the invasions and disruptions he perpetrates.
Once a day, MAX! And never during times that disrupt anything including getting ready for school, eading meals together, or going to bed, etc. Once a day, YOU stipulate the time. Any calls during any of the times or activities you outlined do not get answered. PERIOD! DOT!
This is an ask discussion. This is entirely an action. There is no need to discuss it with the X breeding partner at all. Just implement it and he can learn and adapt. There is no need to argue about it with him.
You do realize that the problem is her. Right?
This may be an unpopular
This may be an unpopular opinion, but i don't agree with daily calls if both parents see the kid regularly. This kid is with his dad for the entire weekend every other weekend, and three evenings a week, right? These calls are not for the benefit of the child. They are for the dad. To meet his emotional needs. They disrupt the time he is with his mom, not allowing him to be fully present where he is, and are causing discord in the home. I think your wife needs to try to wean them off these calls and limit them as much as possible. To say it's for the benefit of the child is BS.
Actually, they benefit the
Actually, they benefit the parent child relationship.. kids normally see their parents daily.. not 3-5 days a week (in a non-steplife home). The emotional need is two ways.. the parental relationship is full time even if the custody isn't .
BUT... The calls should not overly infringe on the schedule and operation of the home where the child is at the present time. So, brief calls at times that don't interfere with the morning bus rush or evening dinner or homework are what should be encouraged.
I guess the root of the issue here is that the EX is an ahole to the BM.. and she is afraid to not jump when he says jump to avoid a load of crap. To her, she would rather deal with the fallout of a disrupted routine or meal vs get harassed by her EX. It's unfortunate that her EX can't be reasonable and be ok with a returned call.. or the constructive criticism that calling in the AM before school makes it hard to get the child off to school on time.
I guess she could try pre-emptively sending a text after not answering with "Child is getting ready for school and will call you when they get home." or "We just sat down to dinner, Child will call back in 30 minutes". If he sends a nasty text.. keep copies.. may come in handy for court?
There was a time when BM
There was a time when BM would call our home in up-wards of 12x a day. After SHE would call, THEN her other kidfrom-othermarriage who lived with her called, then bail out Granny would call..then BM's neighbors would call and last but not least Grannys church lady would call. It was down right crazy. But that was BM's goal to turn our home up side down....
When bm and dh were married, she emailed dh about her kid I mentioned above, during HER visitation. ^ writing, I CALL AND CALL when I know they are sitting down to eat. I know this pisses kidsdad off, I know I shouldn't do it but do anyway. KIDSDAD tells me to stop, Sooo now I am going to start mailing a lot of things to 'kid' just to piss him off.
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I am not saying Dad is this way. YOUR wife can put the kibosh on this. Many court orders are very specific with call days and call times. If it comes to that.
Mornings during school are crazy...dad is being a little over the top with this one even IF the marriage was still intact. Maybe his gf is behind it. Maybe they are trying to build a case against your wife for custody change.
Good Luck and keep us posted, ok?
The solution to the mail
The solution to the mail blitz is a RETURN TO SENDER rubber stamp. I do that with Junk Mail so I do not have to deal with the pile of crap never asked for. Stamp it then stick in the outgoing mail slot.