Uggh, I'm pretty upset with some things my mom shared today.  We lost my dad several years back to cancer, she has since remarried - it was a very quick decision after dating just a few months.  We all tried to get her to apply the brakes but hey, in the end it was their choice-to us the rush was a red flag.

Anyways, he's overall a decent guy, sweet and caring with her.  HOWEVER, I'm now finding out the reason she seems so stressed and financially suffering is because of him.  My mom is the type of woman who is very non-confrontational and tends to hide her feelings (until she explodes and it comes out all wrong lol)- but definitely my courage to face things comes from my dad.

So, my mom's mortgage is not very much- my dad didn't have anything to her other then his social security...my brother was helping her pay the mortgage and she was using this SS to live on (dads was higher then hers) after he passed.  Her mortgage thank goodness is very low ($500 a month).  She did live on a VERY strict budget.   When she remarried, my brother advised he would stop paying the mortgage as now her husband should help cover. 

Well, come to find out, even though his SS is even higher then dads, he has his own house (paid off but needs MAJOR repairs)-so he moved in with mom.  He decided to give her $500 a month ONLY towards the mortgage/bills/food, etc....obviously her expenses with two people are much higher now.  She is the ULTIMATE caretaker, so she cooks for him, does everything for him, his health is declining, some cognitive impairment (we suspect dementia onset but will confirm soon).  He just had to go to hospital for gall bladder surgery-they thought it was food poisoning.  She is staying RIGHT by his side to help.

With all she does he's treating her like his own personal nurse, caretaker, cook, maid and bed-warmer!  She can't get her hair died (and she goes to a super cheap place)- she needs to have a maid come help them once a month would help as she is older and in very good health/energy for her age but still, some help would be nice.  She has to ask him for more, and he hands out a $20 bill.  WTF????   Then has to ask again, and again.  I find this to be financial control and abuse to be honest.  

She excuses him saying he was traumatized by how his ex-wife took everything- they divorced 20 years ago!! He should have had time to get the EFF over it and not transfer his miser/insecure/suspicious ways on my mom.  Mom just wants to live OK, she's not a spender, she is VERY frugal. But ffs it's not fair.  So he gets all HIS needs met and about hers?  If she's providing all this to him, the least he could do is be fair and provide more towards THEIR financial well-being. He keeps building this nest egg while mom can't get her hair colored in months?  Or go to lunch, or fix her car?

I mean the man is such a miser, he won't pay for TRASH service and takes their trash to the dump once every few weeks.  

Today, while he was in surgery I took her to lunch, she just got it all out, she needed to.  I will keep this to myself (and my DH) for now, but if she doesn't confront him soon and remedy this, I will have to involve my brothers.  They would be livid (as am I).   He's leaving his house and another property he has to his children, and that's fine mom doesn't expect any of his property- but he can't at least make her life comfortable in the last years of her life that she's spending caretaking him!  He also has prostate cancer, so though he may have something else take him out, it's still here's mom again caretaking like she did with my dad- w/a husband she has to ask $20 of to get some more groceries.  

I gave her suggestions on how to say things as she doesn't want to hurt/offend him-especially now that he's so confused about things- so I gave her tips.  Though I personally would blast him because in my marriage we get brutally honest and call each other out.   Not that is always resolves things but if you are being unfairly treated, speak out.  I told her to give him a number of how much more she needs, I said round it to $1000 a month- what you don't spend put in saving for Christmas, Bdays etc....

If he had to PAY for someone to do what she does, it would be a hell of a lot more.  He got himself a used (but newer truck) and Mom's car needs more repairs.  That said when she had a big bill for a repair for her car ($600) he gave it to her w/out hesitation....but come on, that's what husbands/wives do for each other.  I get not combining finances, etc...but again, I think this is financial abuse and I"m very upset that my mom is in this position.

I don't know how long I should wait, but I"m hoping she says something in the next few weeks, or I'll have to rally the boys (my brothers) so we can push her to act in her best interests.  It breaks my heart she's being taken advantage of.