Adult Stepson Not Working - update

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Hello all,

I recently posted about my 21 yo unemployed stepson who is in a codependent relationship with his father. Neither my stepson nor his father work. They're a couple of potheads who hang out at the house all day and live a Peter Pan lifestyle on my dime. I am frequently ignored as they act like a married couple and I'm just a 5th wheel.

Over the past week, stepson told me that he doesn't really want to work retail "because I don't want to deal with people." I was nice, but told him dealing with people is part of life, even with a higher degree, you will always have to deal with people. He then said that he has purposely not been filling out applications very well and this might be why he isn't getting jobs. I told him how to fill them out and told him I would gladly help him fill them out so he looks desirable as an employee (haha, what a laugh). Now I find out that he is going to get an undependable sales job for insurance through his stepdad, which won't even be fulltime nor will it be enough for him to ever support himself. His dad thinks it's the greatest thing. I'm not impressed. I never told his dad what his son told me about the job applications or anything because 1. his dad wouldn't do anything different in terms of guiding his son and 2. his dad would find a reason to get pissed at me.

I spoke to an attorney - I will not have to pay alimony of any kind to my husband as we haven't been married long enough. I spoke to the landlord and was told the only way I can get out of the lease is to have husband and stepson sign a new one which releases me from any liability. I know they wouldn't do that. They're going to keep their hands gripped tight around me since I'm the money train. So I have opted for a different approach. I am having divorce papers drawn up - attorney has already been paid the retainer. I am seeking other jobs and in the process of finding my own place. In July, I will pay out the lease and utilities through October (end of our lease), at which time, divorce papers will be given to husband and I will tell him, "I've paid things through October. I'm not resigning the lease. After October 1st, you are on your own for utilities as I am having them put back in the landlord's name, you can transfer them to your name if you still want to live here. We're done." And I'm going to walk away. I'll have job and my own place lined up by then so I can just walk away and slip in to my new life.

After talking to my stepson, it became even more clear that this failure to launch adult will always have an excuse not to work, not to grow up, not to move out on his own. He continues to smoke marijuana with my husband and this has also caused him to not be able to find jobs (he can't pass drug test). My stepson wants to do the bare minimum so that he can still mooch off of me. And my husband is fine with this because he clearly doesn't want his son to ever grow up and move out. I see no future for me in this marriage.

I guess the real kicker was last night I came home from work and again, was ignored. My husband and his adult son are like a married couple, cooking supper and I am ignored. Even through dinner, my husband looked at and spoke only to his son. Then after dinner, when I'm in "ignore" mode because I'm so pissed at how I was treated, my husband sits down beside me (after he spent 30 minutes in the spare room getting high with his son) and says "what's the matter with you" in a voice that was just hateful. I told him nothing, I had had a long day. He STILL never asked about my day. So I'm done. I'm planning my escape and will drop the bomb in July and walk. I am hurt but feel relieved at the same time. I am so sick of being treated this way. Being left out and no getting no time as a married couple. I had a rough day at work yesterday but guess what? Husband never asked how my day was - he never asks about my day because he's busy hanging out with his son. I was sick a few weeks ago with an upper respiratory infection. My husband got pissed at me because I wasn't feeling well and was being quiet, so he called me a drama queen. Now his son is sick and he's just worried and "Oh my son isn't feeling well. I hope he'll be okay, maybe you could take a look at him." And just hovering over him. It's ridiculous. I told him last night, "well when i was sick you just called me a drama queen." He told me I was indeed being a drama queen, but tried to act like he was joking. I just ignored him. I'm done with putting forth effort into a marriage/stepson that I get nothing out of. I'm done with being ignored and put on the back burner. I'm done with being belittled while my stepson is put upon a pedastal.

I am leaving this and feel I owe all the posters on here a huge thank you. Your comments and support helped me to see a situation for what it is and gave me the courage to walk away. I worry that my husband will find another woman and treat her better, that I might miss out on a good life with him. But after being on this site, I now know that he will do the same thing to another woman and she too will have to be second to his son, always. I know that my husband will forever hold his son back and the two of them will be roommates forever, so not only will my husband never have a life but my stepson won't either. No decent upstanding woman is going to want to get involved in a loser bundle like that. I know it's going to hurt leaving but I also know it is the best and I am actually feeling relived that here in 6 months, I can tell him to f*ck off.

Anyway, that's the update and what pushed me over the edge finally. I just thought you all might want an update and also, I really needed to vent about how I've been treated over the past week. What kind of husband doesn't ask his wife how her day at work went? I get home after working 10 hours on my feet to find the back door locked because the two pot heads always lock it, like they forget that I'm coming home, and then I get completely ignored while they talk about what movies they want to watch, etc. This is the most unfulfilling relationship I have ever been in and I am counting down the days til I leave.

Time to kick them out.

You don't need this. Unfortunately if you kick them out one of them will have to get a JOB

Yes indeed... I can't wait to

Yes indeed... I can't wait to see the looks on their faces when they realize that one of them is going to have to get a job! LOL! I almost feel bad laughing about that but it's just so ridiculous how things are with those two. Why would adults feel like they don't have to work? Weird.

Ending a relationship can be

Ending a relationship can be a difficult decision. Good for you for recognizing your worth and that the only thing left is to end it. You deserve SO much more from life. Hopefully, this time will go by uneventfully and you'll soon be on your new path. *give_rose*

:) Thank you very much for

:) Thank you very much for your support. I know it'll be hard at first, but I'll be on my new path soon. I wonder what it'll be like without feeling sad and left out all the time? I can't wait.

You may well feel like a huge

You may well feel like a huge weight has been lifted. When I was married to my psycho ex, I was taking meds for depression. Within a few months of my "escape", I kept forgetting to take them. Why? Because I was no longer depressed!

It is heartbreaking to hear

It is heartbreaking to hear that your husband would treat you so horribly! Like Aniki said - ending any relationship is hard, but you know your worth and you know you need to get out of it.

For you, I just wish it was today and not until July.

Hang in there!

Thank you! Yes, when I look

Thank you! Yes, when I look back on all the many instances, I can't believe I just let things slide. I guess I kept thinking it was an isolated incident but over the past few years, the situation has certainly gotten worse. It's always him and his son against me. I can't win in any situation at home with those two - my wishes are always overridden and when my stepson had a girlfriend, my husband put her ahead of me also. It was truly a slap in the face. I also wish I could leave right now, but it'll happen soon, maybe even before July.

You are Worth It

I agree with the others...breaking up is hard but just think of your beautiful new future. Another thing you can do is start limiting your spending within the home. Minimal groceries, go down to basic cable, etc. Best to you. 5 months left to go.

Thank you, yes, I am spending

Thank you, yes, I am spending minimal money. My husband asked about his son needing his wisdom teeth out and how there might be a copay. I nicely told him he would need to talk to son's mother. His son is an adult, so this is his son's issue, not mine.

Good plannng

I applaud your thoughtful planning. Its never easy to leave a relationship. I often think we on Steptalk underestimate the difficulties when, with good intentions, we urge people to leave toxic situations. Take care of yourself and be alert to danger, especially since you have months until you are free. I found out, to my surprise and shock, that a separation can push people into horrible acts. Good luck.

Thank you and yes, I'll be

Thank you and yes, I'll be careful. I too worry about his response but I'll be on my out the door as soon as I tell him. I'll slowly move my things out over the next few months, like a few small things at a time, so he won't notice. That way I can simply leave. I know I won't be able to stay in the house with him once I tell him we're done and why.

WOW AGAIN

Went back and re-read your post and my comment, and you hit every point on pointe. Congratulations on your planning and taking care of YOU. I know its hard, but Ill reiterate what I commented: Focus on how GREAT you will feel when you are putting around your own place, planning a vacay and rearranging your furniture the way you like it. Seeing the $$$$ pile up in your bank account.

And eventually meet someone who will be your actual PARTNER.

Thank you for such a wonderful update. Allow yourself time to grieve the marriage you thought you were entering into. Also, arm yourself with more knowledge so you can more easily recognize the red flags. I noticed that "everything was great until skid"...but Ill bet there were some flags ahead of that...take time to really examine the relationship.

I know where I went wrong in mine...and am still contemplating whether to stay or leave.

Thanks and you are so right.

Thanks and you are so right. There were red flags with his son's behavior that I chose to either ignore or to believe that I was just being selfish about his son. I hope one day to have a partner, not a couple of manchildren to be with. I realized too this week that I am not at all even close to an equal or an adult in my household. I am a paycheck. I am a 5th wheel, a roommate to them, nothing more. If I would quit my job tomorrow and decide to live off of minimum wage, I'm pretty sure my husband and stepson would look for a way out. There's no way they would support me the way I have supported them. So again, I'm not an equal in this household. Time to go, been a long time coming.

You are brave and you are

You are brave and you are doing great!

I truly admire you getting into action so quickly. It's not an easy decision nor is it pleasant. You deserve much better than how this man and his son is treating you. Best of luck to you and hope everything will be smooth for you.

While I strongly applaud your

While I strongly applaud your update, I feel like you may be in danger. Narcs can sense from a thousand miles away the moment we have an epipheny. As your exit date approaches, he will know something is changing. Your DH is not a nice person. Once I decided I was done with my xH, I wasn't able to be intimate with him anymore. Enduring the relationship from that point on was impossible.

If you plan to leave in July, stop paying rent in May and let the landlord evict you. Then the judgement will be against DH also. Worst case scenario, you would pay what you were planning to pay anyway. Best case scenario, you pay much less, because Landlord finds a new tenant, and DH and SS have to pay something. In the meantime, downgrade cable and internet, and stash the extra money.

Stash your money somewhere safe. Use your May payment for security deposit and first two months (or more) at the new place.

You are absolutely right. I

You are absolutely right. I worry when July gets closer or even before, he might sense something is wrong. I have some job interviews lined up over the next few weeks (my current employer is being kind enough to let me go to inteviews while I am at work, so my husband won't know) and as soon as I sign a contract with new employer, I'll get my own place so I can leave asap if needed. After I'm on my own, if the landlord takes the matter to court, I'll at least have already gotten my own place.

I would still be proactive

I would still be proactive now. Cut back on the special things. Only buy potatos, meat (not prime cuts), some veggies and no snacks. Pay for a bank box or use a trusted relative or friend and remove your personal papers/photos, etc. now. Do a bit a day. Start cutting back on the budgeted items and do not commit penny 1 to the pot habits. Then use your free time to ddo something. Join a club, a book group, a crafting class, etc. You can start to make your days worthwhile by enjoying yourself.

Proud of you

First love yourself. You are on the right path to a better life

So amny posters come here and

So amny posters come here and sound like they are going to make positive steps but just wind of falling into a terrible pattern of gaslighting and abuse- but they looovveee him.

I am so glad that you have a plan, are taking control and action. July will be here soon. Just stay strong and keep moving forward. He is just a roommate. Keep that mindset and you will be just fine!

You are right. I have fallen

You are right. I have fallen back into that before with my situation but now, I'm surprised at how little I feel about leaving other than a sense of relief. He and his son have pushed me to the point where I just want out. I don't love either of them anymore. I handed them a nice life and they just treated me like dirt. No turning back for me now. :)

Good for you ---BUT----

Congratulations on seeing the light soon and getting out of this joke of a marriage. Yor DH is a user,and it looks like the SS is merely following in his father's footsteps. The divorce looks like it is going to take some time. Please don't allow DH to 'love bomb' you in order to change your mind.

I stayed in a marriage like this for 30 years. Our DHs could have been twins except that he had a daughter he doted on instead of a son. Every time exDH thought I was going to kick his butt out he would 'love bomb' me for a few days and I would get my hopes up that things were changing. It took 30 years to realize the situation was not going to change - ever.

I finally filed for divorce in October. WAY over due but am very happy now. I was more lonely married to the 'user' than I am living alone.

One thing I would recommend is seeing a therapist to find out why you chose to marry this man in the first place. I had no idea that I married my exDH to use as a 'surrogate' to resolve issues with my parents. Before we got married he was very affectionate and attentive and lied abolut his assets. But soon he became very much like my abusive parents (narcissistic mother, unavailable / hostlie father). If I had rid myself of exDH years ago before going to therapy I would have still been looking for the wrong partner again.

Please take time to heal and grow before allowing another man in your life.

I agree. I intend to go to

I agree. I intend to go to counseling - not only to figure out why I hooked up with this jerk but also to help me find myself. I lost myself in this marriage, giving and giving and getting nothing in return, then being gaslighted into believing that I was overreacting or imagining things. I'll never forget all those times my husband scraped some money together for his son's girlfriend to have a gift for Valentines or her bday, all the while I got nothing. He and his son have been cruel to me. Did I tell you I caught them multiple times badmouthing me behind my back when they didn't think I could hear? My husband would make a mockery of how I talked or got upset about something and my stepson would laugh. Talk about ripping your heart out - I have never in my life been treated so poorly. My husband and his son are nothing more than roommates to me now, roommates who pay nothing. I definitely plan to heal and probably won't date for a while. I probably won't date ever again because I refuse to date anyone who has kids. I know that sounds terrible, but this isn't the first time I have been in this situation. But it damn sure will be the last. :) I can't wait to see the looks on their faces when I leave and they realize that one of them is going to have to man-up and get a job. LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They won't work.

One (or the other) will find another woman to glom onto. Be prepared that as soon as your DH is onto something up with you, he will no doubt go out looking for someone else he can sponge off of. And will probably try to rub it in your face/gloat over it.

Don't let that sway you.

Good advice. I will not

Good advice. I will not allow myself to be swayed. In fact, I feel sorry for whatever woman sets foot into this sh*tshow. I will gladly hand off this situation to someone else.

Glad to hear

So glad to hear you have a plan and are going to stick with it. There are so many parrallels in our 'history' it is amazing. ExDH and SD used to do the same thing - bad mouthing me and I wasn't supposed to 'get' it. Then it was a big joke. I will never forget the look of exDH's face when I told him I had an appointment with a lawyer that morning to file for divorce. He then accused me of "Thinking of this for a long time." 'No sh*t, Sherlock!'. Then he started to bargain with me, even offering to pay more money per month. When he left he refused to let me know where he was going. He then forwarded all mail to an unknown address, so I had to get a new PO Box and try to inform everyone of my new mailing address. Just recommending you make sure your mailing address is in your name.

As far as living alone, it is great! I found supportive friends who have helped tremendously. You will never be sorry for eliminating these two parasites from your life. You are a beautiful, worthy, smart, motivated person who deserves to be loved, and you will find the most valuable love is to love yourself.

I'm so glad I'm not the only

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has experienced this. It is hurtful and embarrassing and also infuriating. They frequently badmouth me when I handed them a nice life. They act entitled to what I have. And someone who is my partner and my equal is most certainly entitled, but not an a**hole and his fail to launch adult son.

I am looking forward to having my time and money and my sanity back. All this time I was brainwashed into thinking I was the problem and I was being too hard on my stepson. I know now that's not the case and this rampant, unrelenting disrespect is about to be shut down completely. When I leave, I won't be looking back, that's for sure.

So glad

So glad you are determined to carry this through. Once you start the 'process' you will find there are friends who were witnesses to the whole scenario but did not want to interfere. Be honest with your freinds and ask for their support. When I did this I was surprised to find they saw how uncommunicative and emotionally abusive exDH was and how he lied all of the time. After he left they gave me a softer place to land.

You will also find that without the stress of dealing with the 'sponges', you will gain clarity and peace. Please keep giving us 'progress reports'. I will be with you throughout your 'sanity' journey all of the way.

You are so right. I think my

You are so right. I think my family is already on to how awful the situation is but they are too polite to ask or say anything. I will come clean and let them know what has been going on. I will need support and while I am going to be getting counseling, it's always helpful to have family/friends to help me work through this. It is true, it's not only the SS being a lazy, entitled person, but his dad is the ringleader and sets an example of how to treat me. I feel his dad's behavior toward me is emotionally abusive. Just last night he didn't tell me to drop off a package when I went to the store, so when I got back he was belittling me about why I didn't take his package and drop it off. When I tried to explain that he didn't make it clear he wanted his package dropped off (it was a package that was NOT important), he shut the door in my face and refused to speak to me for several hours. And they both treat me terribly. But, they sure do like the free, easy living! Yes, I am sure I'll gain some peace and clarity once I get out of this mess. I will certainly keep all of you update. Thank you so much sandye21 for your support and advice - it is so appreciated!

OP, how are your finances

OP, how are your finances handled? Does your H have access to your accounts? How is he able to afford marajuana?

Consider opening a new account, and having your paycheck routed there.

I have my own checking and

I have my own checking and savings account and my husband has his. He has no access to my money. Up until a few weeks ago, I was the one paying for the marijuana. I have since shut that down. When my husband mentioned he was going to the dispensary 2 weeks ago, I said, "have fun." I didn't give him my card, resumed reading my book and he looked confused. He finally left to go get his dope for him and his son. He acted pissed but said nothing.

I have quite a bit of money saved up. I am planning to give it to my mom as a "gift" before the divorce is filed so he can't touch that.

You better do that sooner

You better do that sooner than later... they will look for assets being hidden.

Yeah, I'm on it. I know they

Yeah, I'm on it. I know they look for that. :( I'll be d*mned if he gets any of the hard-earned money I have saved!

Have they run out of weed yet

Have they run out of weed yet?

They will go after your purse.

Not yet, but I know it's

Not yet, but I know it's coming. I carry no cash, they are not on my bank cards, and I keep my wallet in my bedroom when I am home and sleeping and of course, it comes with me during the day. I can see his rotten, entitled son trying to steal my debit card but I doubt he tries because there's not opportunity. Believe me, though, if he would manage to get my card and use it, I will press charges.

Hun

High five, you rock.

Life will get so much better without this dead weight and dead weight junior anchored to you.

After I left my ex DH and mini wife SD my life took off in good ways. I sleep at night, Ive started loving myself, and realized once out of the situation just how toxic it was.

My only concern is July is far away. Be prepared to leave sooner if you have to. That would be my only advice.

That and hide all snacks, so if those two pot head losers get the munchies there is nothing to eat LOL

Blessings to peace. Peace without a DH and mini wife SS.

Thank you! :) Yes, my

Thank you! :) Yes, my sleep right now is terrible, has been for a while (about 3-4 hours a night). I am in constant turmoil over how horribly they both treat me and why my husband doesn't want his son to launch. Over the years I have wanted to say something about it all but the issue is that if I say anything, it's hell for me. So, rather than say or try to say anymore, I'm done. The picture has been painted clearly that if I stay, I will be second to his manchild and never be given respect or love I deserve. And if I stay, I'll be raising the manchild forever. His dad is not going to let him go.

Oh I am certainly preparing right now to jump and run. I too have a feeling that I may have to leave sooner as he may figure out that I am acting differently and suspect I'm up to something. I have several job interviews lined up (several hours away from where I live now with the sponges) and have applied for several rental homes in that area. My current employer is kind enough to let me do phone interviews while at work or leave, if necessary, to go to the job interview if necessary. My supervisor has been made aware of the precarious home situation.

Yes, blessings to peace without DH and his manchild!

Doesn't want his son to

Doesn't want his son to launch? HE isn't "launched!" No amount of sweet- talk makes up for any of this. Launch them both out, no matter what he says when he finds out. Your DH will probably pull out all the stops to keep his sweet deal once he knows he'll be out on his ass. Don't listen!

Agreed. I have no intention

Agreed. I have no intention of changing my mind and I anticipate he will try to get me to stay and then nothing will change if I do.

You go girl!

Power to you hun. You have it all tied up in a pretty lil bow. Please keep updating on here.

Thank you! :) I will keep

Thank you! :) I will keep updating - and maybe venting, because I'm just so angry and have no where to go with it.

Been there

I really know about the anger you are writing about. There is a constant rage for what they have already taken from you. Not only your money but a piece of your soul. I used to get really p*ssed when I thought of the money and years of my life I wasted on exDH. But imagery helps. I had to do EVERYTHING for exDH. Considering he was well educated, (at least he said so), he was challenged by taking care of his basic needs. He couldn't balance a checkbook. Had his cell phone for 10 years before we found out he didn't know how to answer it. If he learns to take care of himself, with the money he made off of my monitary contributions, perhaps he can have a 1/2 decent life. But I strongly doubt it. This is where imagery helps. There are some things about exDH that are so gross that if he tries to find another woman to use she will never want to live with him.

With what you know from experience, how do you imagine your DH and SS are going to live? And what do you think they are both going to do when they find out that SS had the idea of DH being his financial security blanket - and visa versa?

Oh --- I would love to be a fly on the wall.

And speaking of imgery, I have to tell you that once the leaches are out your life is going to better than you could have ever imagined. I never feel the rage anymore and it's only been two months since ExDH left. Just hang in there and keep venting here. This is what we are here for.

Oh my gosh, I feel the same

Oh my gosh, I feel the same way! Like I wasted all these years on him and he put me through the ringer. I never even had him as a partner, everything he did was for his son and I was just the bank! I am in the angry stage right now, thinking of the money and time I wasted on this guy and his manchild. You exDH sounds like my stepson as he is also unable to take care of his own needs... daddy has to clean his room, pick up after him, remind him to brush his teeth and even cuts his hair for him! Sick.....

I imagine my husband and SS will have to live poorly. They will not be able to afford rent for a nice place. They will likely live paycheck to paycheck. I have no doubt my husband will be angry and resentful that he has to work 40 hrs a week though I'm sure he'll direct that anger at me (I'll be long gone by then). I think it will be an unhealthy environment and I don't think either will be able to find a partner because most women would run from that situation. I think they will try to get money out of me. I worry abou that. When they realize one of them is going to have to work, it's going to get ugly I'm afraid, but it'll all be directed at me. However, I'll be long gone, so I bet my SS will bear some of the brunt of my husband's anger. I'm glad I will be able to say, "not my problem." :)

Lol, yes, I would love to be a fly on the wall too... And good advice, I will keep telling myself how much better my life will be when I am free. I am hoping, like you, I can lose the anger and move forward. I'm so glad to have you all to vent to. It is helping me keep my sanity!

Like a light switch

Believe me, once you are away from the abuse it is just like turning off a light switch - the rage is gone and it doesn't come back. Ya, you will think of your DH and SS and feel a bit of anger, but just knowing where their lives are headed will make you laugh it off. You will be so happy you will ask yourself if it is real. My animals even picked up on it. They are SO much more affectionate and communicative. Sad to say that the dog has proved to be lightyears ahead of exDH in emotional intelligence.

Have to say though, if you can get out of the situation before July do so. I was in an unhealthy state of rage for over a month until exDH was gone and it is not good for your health. The panic attacks got so bad I honestly thought I was having a heart attack. Two months later - all gone. I can't imagine you going through 6 months of it. If you can possibly get out sooner do it.

'If you're happy and you know it, thank your ex.'

I am completely impressed by

I am completely impressed by your level-headedness while creating your escape plan. Stay on course. I too, worry for your safety. Pot Heads don't think rationally when angered. Be vigilant in watching for red flags and be prepared to leave sooner if necessary. The light at the end of your tunnel is getting brighter.
Please keep us posted! You've got this!!

Thank you! Just yesterday I

Thank you! Just yesterday I came to the realization again that I don't think I'll make it til July. I'll definitely be careful and keep you all updated.

If it’s your home

Give both of them a letter giving them 30 days to move out

It might be a shock to them come july

But surely no surprise considering how you've been treated.

my husband calls out his adult son's over exaggerations all the time because it pisses him off. Like when he was riding his aunts motorbike and went into a ditch and fell off causing a minor graze on surface skin of foot, he had a blanket on claiming he had a fever when it was extremely hot weather, then told his dad on the way home to stop at a pharmacy for bandages, gauze padding etc like he was getting stitches.
He walked out of the car to the pharmacy like a woman that just had a csection (7 layers of stomach muscle cut through) vs his minor surface graze.
hubby told him off to cut the bullshit that this was beyond ridiculous. If i can have an emergency csection and be walking around despite being in excruciating pain, then adult ss20 minor graze on foot can walk like a normal adult and cut the bullshit.

there comes a point where you need to get rid of the baggage

I'm glad your husband calls

I'm glad your husband calls out his son's exaggerations - his son sounds like an attention seeker! :( I wish my husband would call out his son on his bad behavior but instead, he encourages it.

You nailed it: "there comes a point wher eyou need to get rid of the baggage." So true!

Any update, OP? I hope you

Any update, OP? I hope you're well and your exit plan is progressing nicely.

Good for you

You need to get away from that toxic shut ,You bust your pan in working and coming home to a father and son high as kites,They are moochers that will sadly never change,He will always put his son over you,If they wanna live like trash bags then let them just not on your clock ,

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Adult Stepson Not Working - update