SD and her flying monkeys
Hello I'm a new user but a long time reader. I can't stand my stepdaughter but in real life I feel like I have to smile and pretend every is perfect.
I wish I never had to see her again. I am not looking forward to the day my kids are older and want a relationship with her. She's either going to blow them off or be a horrible influence.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have two kids together. He was finishing up his divorce when I met them and BM made his life hell when she found out about me. She was already living with her now husband so it's not like she had any reason to be mad that he had moved on.
She definitely poisoned SD14 against us because she would often repeat things that it was obvious it came from her mom. BM did everything she could to make sure DH saw SD for as little time as possible. After a while she didn't have to do anything because the poison was on autopilot.
My SD does not come over for visitation very much anymore and honestly I'm pretty happy about it. When she does come all she wants to do is eat junk food lay on the couch and watch stupid movies while she plays on her phone. She does have a boyfriend but she is so boy crazy and always talking about strategies to get a guys attention. I swear she will put on a full face of makeup and show her ass to any guy that glances at her at the grocery store. If DH tells her to wipe off the make she will CRY which ruins her makeup then she has to do it all over again and make a dramatic scene about it.
She likes to teach my daughters inappropriate things and show them inappropriate videos from tik Tok. She also puts on videos that are just not appropriate for children, the lots of cursing and sexual imagery. She treats my kids like dolls and tries to force my kids to lay down and cuddle with her, they aren't babies anymore and want to run around. When they resist her she gets pouty. She has a little sibling at BMs house she knows how little kids work.
Even though she doesn't come over very often she still asks my DH for money and to buy her stuff all the time. My husband has started saying no to the more expensive demands but then SD will throw a fit and not talk to him. She wants $150 shoes, the newest electronics, expensive makeup pallets, purses, gift cards to stores and for massages. I swear it's endless demands. The massages get me, like you're 14 how the hell do you think you deserve a whole massage and spa day? She won't talk to DH unless he pays the fee. Now she's talking about these crazy expensive travel programs that she tries to sell as student exchange programs to help her get into college but when you look it up they're really just vacations. DH doesn't pay for any of this crazy stuff but he will send her a gift card or money about once a month
She and BM are both harpping at my DH that she needs alone time with her dad and he needs to take her on a vacation without our kids or me in order to get it, but she also needs to bring a friend because she doesn't want to be uncomfortable with just her dad. So what is it? The worst thing is BM and SD talk to my MIL and she has started guilt tripping him too. She has oh so generously offered to go too so SD won't be uncomfortable. Oh how nice of course MIL wants a free vacation. The gall of these people. We aren't f'ing millionaires.
If my DH tries to plan something else she refuses. The only thing she will agree to are for him to pick her up and take her to the mall and buy her whatever she wants or for him to take her on a vacation. She will only agree to come to our house if a visit to the casino outlets in involved. And omg does she get herself dolled up to go to the casino outlets.
People constantly give the advice that you can't take vacations without stepkids. But then turn around and say stepkids need time alone with the bioparent and to take them on a trip alone.
Excuse me what? It's ok to exclude the stepmom and her kids from vacations but not stepkids?
We are not blowing our vacation budget on DH taking SD, her friend and MIL on a damn vacation. My DH obviously said no but now everyone is saying he's a bad father and he needs to do it even some friends of ours agreed. They said to bring me too but me and my kids could stay in a different room. Yeah let's just throw thousands of dollars away on this vacation that we don't even get to spend together.
No f'ing way.
Thanks for letting me vent I can't say any of this to anyone in real life!
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Comments
Tell SD, BM, and MIL to eat
Tell SD, BM, and MIL to eat sh!t. Seriously, what your DH does is not BM or MIL's business. I hope your DH doesn't listen. Daddy/daughter time but with a friend along that he probably doesn't even know? And his mother. Sounds super fun.
He used to do whatever SD
He used to do whatever SD wanted but that was when she was little and now her demands are ridiculous. Sometimes I feel like BM, SD and MIL are all working together to try to break us up. Like if they could just get DH out of my evil clutches for an all expense paid [by him] he's see the folly of his ways and leave me and our two kids.
Your DH needs to stay strong
Take it from me, my DH was too indulgent to SD now 60 (!) and she still expects Dad to clean up her messes and still hints for expensive things. At our age and having gone thru years of it, he doesn't cave with the everyday requests but 3 months ago, we bought her a car after she totaled her uninsured vehicle. He also responds to the $ requests when she blows thru her monthly disability ("Dad, I don't have any money for my medicine").
When I was reading your post, at first, I thought, well SD is 14, she'll be gone soon and she doesn't come over much anyway. That's all good. But then I read about the pattern of extortion and it sounded so familiar. If your DH doesnt want to be extorted at age 84, like my DH, he should establish some boundaries and get more comfortable saying no.
He's be doing SD a favor in the long run, too. My SD is still looking for an indulgent man who will fulfill every wish and have no expectations of her. Its cost her 2 good husbands and 2 of her 3 kids are alienated from her. Good luck.
My DH obviously said no but
My DH obviously said no but now everyone is saying he's a bad father and he needs to do it even some friends of ours agreed.
OK, first off, your DH needs to let go of his daddy guilt because there is no reason for it. Therapy could help with that. However, he should absolutely not be listening to anyone who tells him he's a bad father. When anyone tells him that he should be taking a holiday just with his eldest, he should respond with something along the lines of "Sorry, no can do. I'm not made of money and I have three children to care of, not just one. However, I'd be happy to take her off on holiday on her own if you'd be happy to foot the bill." And leave it at that. If they protest that SD is not their daughter and therefore not their responsibility, "Right, and none of your business either."
His younger children should not be deprived just so that his eldest wants something. When his mother interferes, he should tell her that she raised her children as she saw fit and now he is doing the same. IOW, butt out, Mum!
It appears your SD is a money
It appears your SD is a money pit.
Does your husband see it? Does he see he helped raise her that way?
He helped make her this way. If he doesn't guide her to act properly and make good decisions, then he *is* a bad father, but it's not because of the vacation. Kids need to be taught stuff. A passive, apathetic parent who only writes checks is a horrible parent and does more harm than good. The kids won't respect and they will feel abandoned by such a parent, even if that parent buys them a freaking palace.
If you act like a blank check, your kids will treat you like one, especially if you don't give them anything apart from money (time, emotional support, involvement).
This was me. I am sure I did write this post
It was $150 gladiator sandals. It was a $1000 prom dress. She got her nails done every week. She did go on the expensive trips.
My Sd is 20 now. She is a literal stripper and a prostutute and porn star . She is a full on sex worker. She grew up extremely privelaged. She is no single, poor having to strip or sell her body to feed little children. She has to feed an expensive shopping habit . She doesn't value family and friendships. She values expensive material things . She has no work ethic and wants to take the easy way. My kids have no relationship with her now. She shows up for money and that's it.
all I am saying is chickens come home to roost. If you raise a kid with crappy morals and values, you get an adult with crappy morals and values.
What happens when she ages out?
Lol...anybody ever seen a 60 yo stripper? I have.
That "girl" was working it making $ $ - NOT!!!
Lol she wants/demands daddy take her on a holiday
Without his wife and 2 minor kids, but sd is allowed to bring a friend for an all expenses trip funded by daddy?
she's demanding that to put her in a prime alpha female position to prove she is far more superior than you. She and her mums are nutjobs.
there is no way my husband would ever go ob holiday like this because he knows he'd come home to divorce papers
I can't even believe she
I can't even believe she asked for this and recruited BM and MIL to ask too. Poor SD needs time alone with daddy, but also with a friend and MIL. There is no way DH would go on a vacation without me.
When my DH told me about this I said "does MIL want to bring a friend too?"
He has no intention to give into this. Usually SD makes a huge crazy demand and then rolls it back for something small. I'm just waiting for that.
"Ok if you won't take me on a vacation can you take me shopping" DH thinks that's a deal. Ugh.
He thinks he's standing up to them saying no but giving in to the shopping sprees is what SD wanted all along.
Hit the Nail
I think you have gotten to the crux of things. Shes a manipulator, and shes learned how to get to the "Big Yes".
Theres a saying, that is typically used as a positive thinking motivator.
"Try for the sun, moon and stars and hope for the best 2 out of 3".
Shes going for all this big stuff. And then Poor widdle SD Princess will get consolation prize, which is what she wanted all along. But Dad is bad either way because he didnt give her what she ASKED for, just the expensive crap she accepted as a trade.
But she is able to manage to get everyone else on board (BM, MIL, Friend) for the trip with daddy cakes, whom she really doesnt want to spend time with unless there is her "posse" along for the ride.
She is becoming an emotional terrorist. I love all the ideas given in this post. Spend time, create memories, rather than spend money. She claims to want to spend time with daddy-cakes. Family time together works for all.
Trust me, throwing money at her only works for short-term. Eventually she will use it against him, like SD22 Feral Forger:
"Your just the sperm donor, only good for cash and a hug once a year!!!"
My DH calls her an "emotional
My DH calls her an "emotional terrorist" already! Though I have to remind him not to negotiate with terrorists.
See he knows whats up
Now he needs to act on it. Call her behavior out each and every time, dont assume he knows the bigger picture.
And Ill bet shes getting coaching from BM. "Just ask your dad and see what happens!"
Toxic Troll always tries to do the "big ask". And sometimes its me that gets thrown under the bus. Like, he cannot say no to TT BM, he has to have a reason or excuse. "I cant work on your car because its bad for my marriage!" Instead of "no I dont want to work on your car, your a toxic biotch".
SD22 Feral Forger used to be "the demander". "Daddy, take me here or there, buy me this"
SD15.5 B/M has a softer approach. Different iterations of "I want". And then once she gets the buy in on a small "I want", she will up the "I want" exponentially. Like, "I see this flute I like for $20". Then BM or her will say "well, she actually wants this bass and amp that is about $50-100 and we can split the cost". Dh is better about this though, and then just goes back to "no, I only agreed to the $20 flute and thats it, and I dont want a bass and amp here."
And if she doesnt get what she wants, many times she turns into pouty mcpouterson. But no threats of not visiting. Kids that age should not be given a choice, thats what adds to the Emotional Terrorists power play.
And then they come back with "you didnt want to see meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. You dont love meeeeeeeeeee!"
What SD learns to look for in a man
Your DH is teaching her what to look for in a man. She is learning, like my SD did from BM, that a man is to be used to get stuff. If he wants her to learn to look for a decent man to build a good life with, he will have to change gears.
Yeah, people with out
Yeah, people with out stepkids have all kinds of opinions! LOL
Your DH does NOT need to take a vacation with SD alone/with SD's friend. Your DH does not need to buy her love. Your DH does not need to give in to every demand BM makes.
He needs to retrieve his balls back, at the very least he needs to put his wallet away.
I suggest you talk to him and remind him what she needs isn't things, its examples of a healthy marriage to model after. It's showing up to activites and school events to support her- not shopping sprees. Encouraging her to do something with her free time besides chasing after boys. If he wants to pay for something for her, how about an Art class on the weekends? That is much more productive for her life than a makeup pallet. Remind him that he is her parent not her friend and she needs boundaries and expectations and him in her life. Not just a personal shopper and driver.
Yeah take her shopping( exercise those boundaries)
You go too. We all go shopping as a family. No...then no shopping for 6 months. Yes when you get there give her her monthly allowance( say 10 dollars) and tell her have at it where you wanna go. She cries and throws a temper tantrum out of the mall/ store she goes. Too bad so sad.
MiL and BM call bitching. " She has everything she needs and an allowance! She can spend that!"
From now on DH picks her up and brings her to the house first. She is a child and children do not get to decide when and where they see their parents. Let BM and MIL find out that CPS has consequences if you call in fake reports( if they take it that far) . Our custody agreement stipulates that child must go with parent unless severely sic or in immediate danger. Not going to the mall is not covered under those rules.
To MIL: No vacation at all he's spent all the money on shopping for SD. Oh and she can bring said friend over to our house to meet the family if they are such great friends to take vacations together