Thorough confusion
I have only posted once here before, I am ki d of at a loss, but trying to turn thus into a positive. I have been married for 5 years to a woman with 2 kids, one 20 and one 17. The 20 year old recently, 2 weeks ago moved out and the 17 year old moved in with her other parent in April after she was told she would have to be respectful in this home. She proceeded to spread lies, said I called her a wh*re, accused her or sleeping around etc, never happened, her mother never held her accountable, here nor there.
Needless to say, they road has been very rocky with these kids, but I hung in there because I love my wife and assumed we were nearing the end of these manipulative kids.
Yesterday my wife tells me the eldest is moving back in, I said no, it's time for US to have a life and enough is enough, she is old enough and our home is finally stable, clean and not full of drama.
By the end of the conversation my wife is moving out to "raise her children" AM I an idiot or are these kids "raised" She tells me that she has girls and they need their mother available to them at all times. I have no issues with a relationship or anything, but I think this is extreme, in fact insane. I think it completely overtakes the possibility that we can have a marriage. It manipulative and they use her. I don't want the drama anymore, I have been supportive, I need respect and want my wife, not this chaos. I told her she can go if that is what she feels. She says she is abandoning her children otherwise. I think 20 is old enough and 17 should be told to be respectful and I should get backing from my spouse.
I have disengaged, they don't have to address me, speak to me or even look at me and my spouse says that is ok because they are kids and I'm an adult. I think I know I need to let her go and "raise" her children...it is comical to me to write that, but clearly things will never change.
Is this normal attachment? Guilt? Shame? I don't get it. I left home at 17 and had an amazing relationship with my mom and stepfather and knew I had to be respectful
It's time for you to he happy
It's time for you to he happy... with or without your "wife". Sounds like she is a wife of convenience - hers of course. Marriage is only 'important' when it comes to what SHE is getting out of it.
Let her go. Do NOT financially support her - not even a little bit. Start talking to lawyers.
Your wife has her priorities
Your wife has her priorities screwed up. YOU should be her priority. A 20 year old is an adult. Sure, kids still need their mothers well into adulthood, but that doesn't mean they need to LIVE with their mothers. A mother can support her child in many ways without living with her or financially supporting her. If your wife had in fact properly raised her children, they'd be ready to be on their own now with just advice, love and and occasional assistance from mom.
Thank you
Thanks for the support, I do know these things, it's unfortunate to me that she never will. I guess perhaps better to cut ties now than in the future, I'm pretty certain these kids will always be the priority.
Can your DW
Afford to live by herself and support her DD ? One doesn't want a SO because you are supporting them. Let her and her DD be happy together. This is the time to draw the line in the sand. If you give in. Her DD and her BF/DH/ GK. Will be living with you.
Maybe an apartment
Maybe an apartment, the plan is to move is with her mother, "grammy." And I'm there, let them go be happy together, I know it's what I need to do and I know I can't let the kid and boyfriend back in here. I also get this is manipulation to make me look like a bad person, ironically before her daughter moved out we had a plan of 6 months, that made her daughter so mad she abruptly moved.
Now the daughter on the other hand can afford it, she inherited 30k from a car accident a few years back (broken foot) and her and the boyfriend have jobs.
So she's going to move in
So she's going to move in with her daughter AND her boyfriend? Oh wow, that is going to go well! Sit back and enjoy the show. Do you think that Grammy will be happy about that?
Input
Thank you for all of the input. I honestly think I have been living in such a manipulative, chaotic, narcissistic environment my own truth and reality got lost. All of your comments are all of the things pushed to the back of my head by all of the nonsensical excuses. I need this, thank you.
Time to put your foot down
At least if you live alone. You are not supporting this dysfunctional group. And then not getting out of there own way
So
So she stated that she wanted to stay married. I asked her if this decision hurt or helps our marriage, she refused to answer, I am sure she knows its absolute bullshit. I am not sure there is recovery for me from this. The move is to take place tomorrow, today she is out getting them mani, pedis and browing botique shops. It's ridiculous. I'm checking out of this and getting a beer.
Do you and your wife share
Do you and your wife share finances? Does she earn her own money?
Put your foot down. Ultimatum
Put your foot down. Ultimatum time. If she wants to stay married, she stays in your home without her daughter and bf AND goes to marital counseling with you. If she leaves, she takes both daughters and your marriage is over.
Sounds like the apple didn't
Sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Your wife pays nothing toward your mortgage, and now she and her entourage are going to go freeload off Grammy. Nice. At least her kids come by it honest.
I suspect she wants to keep you and the marriage as a backup plan for when this whole situation goes south - which it will.
Enjoy your beer and your freedom
Lol...what! She wants to stay married but not be there at all? What kind BS is that? I won't lie, some of the things these delusional parents say are so stupid they are funny
Btw you are an adult they are her kids and now you can overlook them all you want
Let her go and raise her adult children...it sounds like she needs to grow up herself.
The only thing you're losing is a bunch of headaches, fights and drama. Lucky! Let go of this baggage and move along to much better pastures.
Edit: also DO NOT HELP with carrying any boxes or furniture out. They just got manicures and I'm feeling a little petty in wanting those to get ruined.( In my opinion of course but you do what you like)
The minute they are out the
The minute they are out the door, get the locks changed. Also ensure that your wife's address for postal deliveries is changed to her new one. This might help legally when she changes her mind and wants to come "home".
Agreed
Completely agree with Winterglow (if this is legal). Oh, and file for a divorce straight away too.
This is a shitty parent and a
This is a shitty parent and a shitty partner.
Good riddance to her and her shallow and polluted gene pool.
Enjoy your new genetic cesspool free life adventure.
Take care of yourself.
Get thee to a lawyer
Super fast. Make an appointment right away. Protect yourself and your assets. Redo the will, life insurance etc.
Im so sorry she iis treating you and your marriage with such blatant disregard. I guess this happened over a period of time as it often does.
She wants to stay married because she benefites. In California,, if you are married ten plus years, and your partner makes more money than you do, you can get their level of social security and spousal support till death. Plus theres insurance and assets to keep hold of. A house to get back to as secuity net.
You deserver better in your life. Life is short.
What Clove said.
File in Texas. They do not much care about the other party in CA, or the West Coast or NE in general.
We kept the change of venue to Texas card in play for much of our 16+ years under the CO. Once a minor child is a 6mo resident in Texas, the Custody/Visitation/Support order can be moved to the County court in TX where the Skid lives. In our case CS would have gone up by ~ 10X. That scared the crap our the SpermClan. The down side was that visitation would have more than doubled. No amount of money would motivate us to expose a kid to the stench of that shallow and polluted gene pool, though the SpermClan never was made aware of the visitation increase associated with our standing 10X increase in CS threat.
Protect yourself OP.