Stepmonster Book
I'm a sm to two adult ss's whom I've never "raised" (thank god/dess) so I've ignored the suggestions to read "Stepmonster" thinking it wouldn't really apply to my situation. But curiosity got the best of me and I downloaded it from Audible. I'm in Ch 2 and already nodding along with almost everything she is saying. Her sd11 who is pouting, throwing fits, treating her like an outsider and accusing her of stealing away her daddy is exactly like ss30 was in the beginning of our relationship. ss30 told an entire group of people we were with that I "stole" his father/best friend from him. ss30 pouted and drank a lot at our wedding, he threw a fit when I changed my last name to "his" name. He cried when my children came to live with us, he kept trying to store more and more crap here to "mark his territory." Oh and there was so much more, but that's another post.
ss26, moved out long ago, married with a kid and skid of his own wasn't much better. He was over one evening and I offered him some snacks and told him to help himself to anything in the kitchen. He snapped back at me, "This is MY house. I'm not a guest in MY own house."
So far what I've learned is that my adult ss's have the maturity and mentality of an 11 yr old girl.
Off to do laundry and listen some more.
I agree. It would have made
I agree. It would have made a big difference if my DH had not allowed SD to get by with the 'trampling'. It's not so much about the skids as it is about DH's support. But many times we disappointingly find that we have married a man who is a coward to his skids at our emotional expense, and WE are the ones who have to set boundaries. Sad. Stepmonster should be 'required reading' for any woman who is contemplating marrying a man with children - even if they are adults.
Definitely sue, If DH had
Definitely sue, If DH had intervened at those times and several others then it would have diffused the entire situation. I would have felt protected by him and there would be no lingering issue. Instead he would get real interested in his phone or have to check something downstairs. When I brought up the incident he would react by making me the villain and saying that he needed to "protect" his sons from me.
About their mentality, perhaps 11 is a bit of a stretch but both adult ss's are very "young" for their age. ss30 has lived out on his own for short periods of time but otherwise has always lived with and had his way paid for by BM, DH, or one of his aunts. Currently he is living with BM, he works but living with mommy at 30 keeps him in a childlike role that should have been shed more than a decade ago. ss26 is married, 2 kids in tow and they live in SDIL's parents basement. ss26 works but his family life is highly subsidized by his IL's. Neither has really had to "man up"and make it in the world. They have very entitled attitudes that they should be taken care of by someone.
At CH 6 now in the book and hearing that DH's behavior is the norm is depressing and refreshing at the same time. ss's nastiness, neediness and entitlement is the norm as well. I've disengaged for the most part but will never be completely free of the wicked stepmother mantel bestowed upon me by society, the ss's, and those who pity them as poor COD's even into adulthood.
Wow. That's one entitled
Wow. That's one entitled skid! He snaps at you because you offer him food?
I'm not a COD...grew up in my mom's current home for 14 years. I still don't think of it as "my home" anymore. It was never my home...I never paid the bills. It was my parents' home and they graciously allowed me to live there. My mom is comfortable with me getting food or drinks for myself / without asking when I'm over...but I usually still ask. It's her stuff!
I was new to the
I was new to the stepmothering game and completely shocked at the time it happened. Never before had I been treated so blatantly rudely by a grown man (without cause in my mind) especially one I serving food to. Over 3 years now and I realize that ss26 has extreme loyalty issues to BM. Me being nice to him was perhaps in his mind trying to replace his mother. Any reciprocation of gratitude or kindness from him in return would be a betrayal to BM.
Now he comes over and there are no snacks prepared for him or the gskids, no meal, no offer to help themselves, aka no ammo for him to use against me. The side effect of this is that DH has stepped up a few times and ordered pizza for all of them. They are HIS "guests" so he gets to do the hosting.
Skids still think of this as "their" home. They're gonna be crying their baby eyes out when it gets sold in 2 years }:)
No skid names on the deed.
No skid names on the deed. Dh's only, when this house is sold we will both go in on OUR new home.
Has your husband ever stood
Has your husband ever stood up for you and stood his ground with his sons about the disrespect? How do your inlaws react to your SS's behavior towards you?
I met my husband 26 years ago, we have been marrieds 23 years and he had full custody of his 2 sons. Everything was fine til we announced we were getting married and nothing has been the same since. There was a time that the boys finally came to accept but then there was a blow-up in the family which divided my side against my husband's. My inlaws have supported the poor behavior of my stepsons which has just floored me. I have nothing to do with my inlaws because of it and they continue to justify my SS's behavior.
DH is still too scared of
DH is still too scared of "losing" his sons to directly stand up to them about me. He has stood up to them (at my bidding) about not living here, and at the tender age of 30 finally paying their own bills. I've been better about removing myself as their target so we have not had a standoff about the skids in awhile.
I'm lucky to have a sweet old MIL, she's told me in hushed tones that she loves ss30 but doesn't like him. He's openly a jerk to everyone, even 40 yr old mentally ill SIL who still lives with MIL. FIL is deceased. The other sil comes over and goes on tirades about the evils of her deceased SM which sets off red flags for me. She never had children of her own and is one of the coddlers of "poor" ss30. I sense she feeds into and off of the drama so I am very polite and guarded around her, she tries to play both sides but I ain't buying it.
She also lived rent free with DH for years and treated him as a wallet. The most recent incident was that SIL couldn't pay the electric and needed $300. DH would have had to borrow from OUR line of credit to give her the $ and WE would have to pay interest on it. I told him absolutely NO! WE will not go into debt for her anymore. To answer your question, it's a mixed bag concerning the IL's.
I'm sorry to hear your IL's justify SS's poor behavior; I would completely disengage too. You'd think they would encourage treating others with respect and dignity. Funny how IL's like that are so surprised when the skids repeatedly get fired, can't make it in the world and/or are hauled off to jail. But it's never skids fault! They are a COD, parents failed them, society failed them, and oh...the wicked stepmother foiled all their plans. :sick:
Tell me about it, it is
Tell me about it, it is incredibly how much blood family will go to support family over the most crazy in your face, can you not see this situations and they are totally blind!!!! It creates so much problem and so much hurt....basically this is the inlaws allowing disrespect for the SM and and accepting behavior that should never be accepted in the first place...and would not be accepted if WE were the bio parent to these children which n TOTALLY gripes me as I was the one that raised these brats!! Not their delinquent, lost mom who was out in left field but I was the one that endued the crap!
It's hard enough to raise
It's hard enough to raise your own children. I can't even imagine how hurtful it would be to raise your husbands children and then have utter disrespect from them and his extended family. You are elevated to sainthood in my book!
"What total horseshit."
"What total horseshit." Ditto!!! I have yet to meet a woman who remains friendly and cooperative with the SM. Most SMs I've met have the same type of relationship with their SDs as I do with mine. It's articles like this that support the notion that the ex's relatives should be invited to 'family' events, that SM's should be delighted to sit in the back row at a skid wedding, that DH should have ridiculous expectations for SMs to win over the skids when they are treating her like dog doo. Going to read this article to see if they used any statistics to back their statements.
I glanced through a few of
I glanced through a few of those articles and the theme seemed to be, "keep trying." I get that it does work out for a select few families whom the stars have aligned for, hence the rarity of it all and the need for a spotlight. I was hoping one of these would be my story as well but instead I ended up with two adult ss's who resent me. Their parents swinging polyamory marriage was over for years before I entered the picture. All of sudden I was the bad guy who had ruined their lives and was taking daddy away. I'm the evil gold digger even though their mother is the one who took DH to the cleaners during their divorce, kowtowed to all her demands, and agreed to pay the wench 15 years of alimony.
According to these women I should "keep trying." What exactly am I "trying" to do? Will I win the "brass ring" that you speak of when these grown men finally like me? Is this the goal to be liked and ultimately loved by his children?! What an impossibility that my success as a stepmother who never "mothered" these men should rest on their approval.
Now if we flip it and do a story on DH as a stepfather, he is a massive success. My kids like and respect him, they do chores, are responsible and succeed because I expect it. DH does his own thing most of the time, his life has changed very little because I do 99% of the parenting of my kids.
In regards to his kids, there is no blending, no respect, they don't try and DH just sticks his head in the sand at their disgusting behavior. They get all the sympathy and I get all the blame...something is just not adding up, therefore I gave up!