Update for adult stepson not working, original post 1/7, update 1/19

I wrote on here a few months ago about my adult SS (21 yo) who is unemployed, a pothead, and just hangs out with his dad all day. My husband is also unemployed, a pothead, and they both treat me like dirt.  My SS was supposed to “start college” last fall, but my SS backed out, “he doesn’t want to do the work it takes to get into college,” my husband reported SS told him that.  And so he and my SS continued to hang out like a couple of children all day, on my dime.  I get home from work and am generally ignored by both of them.  They work out together, get high together, cook meals together – truthfully, I find it to be unnatural – they act like a married couple.  It is an unhealthy, enmeshed, codependent relationship.  Yes, my husband does all the housework but I did not sign on to let his son mooch off of me.  My husband enables his son, sets no expectations, and I am not allowed to parent in any way.  My marriage is more like just having a roommate.  When the weather is warm, DH wants to take SS out in the yard "to play" and I am ridiculed and called names like "bum" and "fuddy duddy" if I don't joint them - no one seems to remember that I got up at 5 am to work a 10 hour day at a very demanding job. 

Currently, I have had a few job interviews, another one today and a few next week.  I have not yet found a job but the ones I am applying for are far from where I and the two adult toddlers live.  I decided it would not be wise to leave him and live in the same small town.  As soon as I accept a job offer somewhere, my next step will be to find a place to live in that area.  Once that is done, then all I have to do is squirrel money away until July (if I make it that long, I may leave sooner).  I have furniture picked out so when I get my new place, I can order it.   I have already prepared financially for the divorce, attorney is working on divorce papers for me.  I established a PO box where attorney documents and other important things can be sent now and after I leave if needed.  I will not have to pay DH any alimony as we have not been married long enough. 

The situation at home remains mostly unchanged.  I find myself feeling guilty plotting and planning this way.  But, I feel I’ve been left with no choice.  My SS did finally a few weeks ago get a “job,” but it is through a family member on his mom’s side, a sales-based income (so not any reliable paycheck), and so far in 3 weeks, he has worked a grand total of maybe 20 hours.  My husband is like, “I’m going to help him sign up for classes,” he told me this yesterday.  Well, I have no clue what he is talking about as there are no colleges enrolling right now, SS must take ACT (was homeschooled) before any university will accept him, and then there’s the issue of cost.  I will NOT be paying for his schooling, period.  Even if I wasn’t leaving, I wouldn’t pay for it as this kid as burned me more than once (not paying for his cell phone bill as promised, getting his car stuck in mud and needing it towed, promised to pay me back for the tow and never did).  It’s not the money, it’s the principle.  This kid doesn’t follow through on anything.  He has been enrolled in online classes a few years ago the fall/spring after he graduated high school – he then flunked out both semesters and then promptly got fired from the job that was allowing him to go to this online program (for free).  He got fired due to attendance.  So, I won’t be paying for ANYTHING.  But, anyway, I don’t know what classes my husband was referring to and he didn’t elaborate.  I wanted to badly to say “your son is an adult, if he really wants to go to school, he can sign up himself.”

Several weeks ago (right before SS got this “job”), my husband and SS had a huge argument about SS’s laziness.  I have never heard my husband this irate (I don’t know what started it, they were in SS’s bedroom and I couldn’t hear everything).  My husband was screaming at his son, tell him “you’re making me look bad” and “you haven’t worked in 18 months” and “you have everything handed to you.”  It gave me a glimmer of hope.  But alas, SS pulled the tears and the guilt trip about how he is “anxious about being around people” and some other bullsh*t excuses.  It didn’t take long before my husband also became tearful and they were in the room, apologizing and all but making out (I’m being hateful, they weren’t really making out lol, but I think you all know what I’m saying here).  So, in the end, my husband is falling all over himself, kissing SS’s ass after the argument and being super nice to SS.  So, nothing got solved by that whole thing.  It was dumb and I don’t know why DH even bothers raising his voice or verbalizing any disappointment to SS when he refuses to set any expectations with SS.  DH never told me what started the argument exactly (from what I could hear, SS was using what little money he got on first paycheck to purchase something irresponsible for his car – yes, the car that his mother has had to pay insurance and gas for because SS has no money).  If I ask about what the argument was about, I’m sure DH will be pissed and tell me it’s none of my business.  And it seems, the nicer DH is to SS, the ruder he is to me.  He’s just dismissive of me, doesn’t interact with me, again, it’s like having a roommate.  There’s no affection, intimacy, no privacy even.  Then I found out too the things I have told my husband about in confidence (work issues, my niece, etc), he has told his son about.  I was so angry.  My niece has had some trouble and what does DH do?  He goes and tells his son EVERYTHING.  I wanted to tell him NOT to tell his son everything I tell him, but I know he would be enraged if I told him that, even if I said it nicely.  When I acted shocked and offended that DH had told SS things I told him in private conversation, my husband got offended, defended telling his son everything and was like, “no one cares about the things you say anyway.” 

It’s nauseating to watch the dynamic between these two adult toddlers.  At this time, my husband is still convinced his loafer son will go to college.  I know he won’t and even if he goes, he’ll flunk out.  My SS finally went to his mother’s house for over a week and during that time, my husband did a complete turnaround.  We actually acted like a married couple, almost like newlyweds.  There was intimacy, conversation, affection, I mean, it was amazing.  Again, I got my hopes up.  Then his son comes back (just last night) and it’s right back to me and DH being like roommates.  Also, DH said after that big argument that SS will not be smoking dope anymore, but he still does. 

I am sad and angry.  I was hoping things would turn around, to be honest.  But it looks like I will be proceeding with my plan.  I’m trying to tolerate things for now until I can get everything in place.  I won’t lie, when SS was gone, I began to be hopeful that our marriage could be saved.  It could be, if DH would parent his son instead of enable.  But, I don’t see that ever changing. 

Anyway, that’s the latest.  I welcome any advice or support of any kind.  I am just so sad and find myself wanting to hang on to the marriage, but when I write everything out like I just did, I realize that it’s best if I continue the course of getting out.